What Not To Say At A Party

Things Not To Say At A Party


My list...

1. I’ve just joined Al Qaeda.

2. Has anyone read ‘War and Peace’?

3. How about an orgy?

4. My God! You people are fat!

5. I sense an evil presence in this room.

6. So… let’s talk about the financial crisis.

7. I’ve got this weird rash on my bottom.

8. My farts smell like peanuts.

9. The ambassador’s parties were always a luxurious affair…

10.Who wants to touch me?

The British Had Brains!

Great news for the British!

Two thousand years ago we had brains!!

It doesn’t say if we have them now of not…

Read His Body Language

Read His Body Language

..as usual, they missed a few. Here are TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Read A Man's Body Language Tips:

1. He has an erection – he likes you.

2. He has an erection – he doesn’t like you, but he’s thinking about a girl he does like.

3. He’s kissing a monkey – he likes monkeys.

4. He holds his nose when he kisses you – you smell.

5. He stares at your breasts when he’s talking to you – he’s not gay.

6. He yawns when you talk – stop talking about shoes.

7. He’s sitting down – he’s drunk.

8. He’s lying down – he’s really drunk.

9. He’s asleep – he has finished drinking.

10. He looks like he’s concentrating when you speak to him – he’s trying not to fart.

Office Party Do's and Don'ts

Office Party Do's And Don'ts


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Office Party Do's and Don'ts:

1. Arrive wearing only cucumber slices.

2. Ask your boss if his wife is a man or a woman.

3. Tell everyone senior to you in the company that they will be killed when the revolution comes.

4. Bring a chimp to the party.

5. Sing.

6. Insist everyone calls you ‘Il Bandito’.

7. Ask people to sign you’re a*se.

8. Reply to everything people say to you by saying, ‘Yes, I see what you mean, but have you considered therapy?’

9. Take PCP.

10. Communicate only through Mime.

The Pound Is Down

Finally, Capitalism is working for me!

The Pound is down

First the UK bank I have an overdraft with gets bought by the government... hihi.

And now, the value of the UK pound is dropping dropping dropping against the euro.

Think about it.. my overdraft is in pounds. My pay is in euros. ..so technically, my overdraft is reducing. Nice.

..of course, when all the banks in Luxembourg review their training budget - I'm boned.

..but until then, let the good times roll!

A Cheater or a Keeper?

With stories about the Pope fighting Aliens, the French killing Lance Armstrong and the English hating the cheating-low-down-dirty-volley-ball-playing-guts of Maradona, I think the blog may have been targeted towards men a little too much recently.

Girls, how to predict if your man will cheat

But, how do you know if you've found a faithful man? A man who believes with all his heart that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

There's only one way: Is he fat?

If your man is sitting on the sofa drinking a beer and watching TV, do you know what that is? It's a testament to his love for you.

Why? Because it means he has found the one. He has said to himself, there's no need to go to the gym or play sport anymore. I have found the perfect girl for me.

What does it mean if your man is still going to gym, playing sports, dressing and grooming like a single guy? It means that in at least one part of his head, he is one.

Remember girls, the fatter your man is.. the more he loves you.

Alien Vs Pope

The Vatican have decided to forgive John Lennon for his 'bigger than Jesus' remark.

Speaking of The Vatican, I've been working on movie ideas this weekend. One of the ideas I came up with was 'Alien Vs Pope':

A hidden vault is discovered in Vatican and opened for the first time in hundreds of years. Thousands of alien eggs are inside. Now the Pope must battle an army of alien killing machines to save the world.

There's a great scene where the Pope is driving his 'Pope-Mobile' at high speed through the Vatican, shooting aliens with a machine gun.

...it's violent and religious. I think it would be perfect for Mel Gibson!

Angry Cycle Fans & The World's Greatest Volleyball Player

TobytheTeacher's sports round-up:

Apparently, Lance Armstrong is worried that the French will attack him during next year's tour.

Imagine it: gangs of beret wearing French men chasing Armstrong across France, throwing smelly cheese and perfectly timed sarcasm at him. Uncooked snails will be wasted to coat the roads with snail slime to unsettle his bike. French cigarette smoke will be blown across his path to blind him. Their incomprehensible talk of existentialism will be used to confuse and disorientate him.


Meanwhile in Scotland, the world's greatest Volleyball Player, Maradona, has decided to pacify the English by comparing his 'Hand of God Stunt' with England's 66 World Cup Win.

Ah, Maradona, you crazy-cheeky-cheating-hand-balling-scumbag-cocaine-snorting-boozing-fat-loser-low-life-organised-crime-associating-with-dead-beat-spineless-gob-sh*te, why would you think the English don't like you?!

Good luck Scotland! You crazy skirt wearing lady-boys!

Axl's Chinese Democracy

That crazy kilt-wearing, microphone-the-size-of-your-head-carrying, running-round-the-stage-like-a-child-that-needs-the-toilet, singing-about-dolphins-comas-and-November-rain, front man Axl Rose is back.

Here he is singing about Chinese Democracy

They still ride bicycles,
But they get to vote,
And even though Chairman Mao
Would think it's a f**kin' joke,
It's a Chinese Democracy!
A Chinese Democracy!

Hey Chairman Mao!
Don't have a cow!
It's time for you Reds,
To be red, white and blue,
You don't know how?
I'll tell you how!
Yeah, it's tough to chow,
But hey! Mr Mao!

It's a Chinese Democracy!
Enough Commi-hypocrisy!
It's time for a West-ology!
It's a Chinese Democracy!

(panpipe solo)

Crazy Christians

Christians! Calm down!

Monks fight at a holy shrine

I'd like to point out that if these monks were English football fans and the holy shrine was a football ground, FIFA would insist that the British government take their passports from them and refuse them the right to travel.

Will anybody from the Christian Church be insisting the same thing?

George W, Rare Live Interview

As we come to the end of the US Presidential Elections it's easy to forgot the current President Bush, but here he is in a rare live TV interview

Good luck to both the candidates for today! May the best man win...

But... if you can not decide upon a best man, perhaps it's time to select the best woman:

Bush has been Oliver Stoned...

Director Oliver Stone talking about his new film 'W'

He also briefly mentions my favourite Oliver Stone movie - Natural Born Killers.

In my opinion, in cinematic terms the most original and important film of the 90s (though you'll notice from the review that not everyone agrees with me).

In general, not a big fan of his work. I think listening to him is usually more interesting than watching his films.

Still, you have to give him credit for making such a politically relevant and contemporary film.

Vin de Merde?

'zos crazy Frenchie peoples are calling 'zier wine - vin de merde.

Apparently, they are trying to attract attention for the wine.

I wonder if the same approach would work for Luxembourgish beer?

Bofferding could become 'Rat's P*ss'
Mousel - 'Baboon's A*se Sweat'
Diekirch - 'What doesn't kill you, makes you blind.'


I can't drink Bofferding. True story. Usually, when I drink beer I go from sober to good time to sick. But not with Bofferding, oh no. With Bofferding I go from sober to sober to sick.

I honestly believe it has been engineered to attack English people on a genetic level as an act of revenge for all the times the English Football Fans have come to Luxembourg and broken the city.

Baby, I like the way you smell...

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce

I have a theory about the high rate of divorce in the modern western world. I think it's all to do with deodorant.

Think about it. Scientists think that a large part of human attraction is based on smell. That's why people wear perfume, aftershave, deodorant etc - because it makes you more attractive to more people.

But the deodorant etc blocks our natural body smell. What if it's also blocking our ability to successfully select / sniff out a partner?

Maybe we should all do what dogs do and smell each others' butts before we consider a relationship?

...I wonder if that would go down well on a Friday night at the club?!

Toodle-Pip!

Meeting The Parents...

Hello Hello,

A funny video for Friday. I guess in the list of things you'd not want to happen when you first visit your boyfriend's parents, this would be around the top.

Enjoy your weekends!

Toodle-Pip!

How To Deal With Workplace F*ckers

How to Deal with Workplace 'Frenemies'

What are 'Frenemies' I hear you all ask?

Well apparently, 'Frenemies' are people at work who pretend to be your friend but then screw you for their own advantage. I call these people 'F*ckers'.

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Ways of Dealing with Workplace F*ckers:

1. Plant a landmine in their office.

2. Pay a Voodoo Doctor to curse them.

3. Use a laser-beam to cut them in half (Do you expect me talk? No, Mr Frenemie! I expect you to die!)

4. Install a hidden piranha pit in front of your desk. Then tell the F*cker you want to see them in your office.

5. Have sex with their pets.

6. Create a fake Facebook profile for them with only pictures of S&M, Nazis and Michael Bolton on it.

7. Once a day, go into their office (when they're not there) and move something. Start with something very small like a pencil. Then each day move something larger - until one day they enter their office to find their desk on a totally different side of the room (The Mason Family used to do this).

8. At lunchtime, sneak into the F*ckers office and leave a whip, a set of handcuffs, some nipple clips, a prison guard uniform and Max Mosley. Then leave a message for your boss saying the f*cker urgently needs to see him / her in their office.

9. Tell Chuck Norris that your frenemie said his was not that hard and that Jean-Claude Van Damme could 'have him' in a fight. Then sit back and wait.

10. Whenever you see them start crying and say, 'I heard the news. I just want you to know - I think you're really brave!'. Then refuse to say anything more.


Finally, the Jean Claude Van Damme Website (for the ladies)

A Boring End To The World?

Ooo... this is nifty: a boring end to the world?

And that's all I'm gonna say.

Toodle-pip!

The Cowboy Hat Theory

News from the American Presidential Elections.... trouble for Sarah Palin

There's no actually need to follow the news reports from America. I have a foolproof method for predicting the winner of an American Presidential Election:


TobytheTeacher's 'Cowboy Hat Theory'.

The winner of an American Presidential Election is the candidate that looks best when wearing a cowboy hat. Check it out:

2004 - George W Bush Vs John Kerry: George looks best in a cowboy hat.
2000 - George W Bush Vs Al Gore: Easy, George Bush.
1996 - Bill Clinton Vs Bob Dole: Oh so easy, Bill Clinton.
1992 - Bill Clinton Vs George H Bush: Once again, Bill Clinton.
1988 - George H Bush Vs Michael Dukakis: Closer but, George H Bush.
1984 - Ronald Reagan Vs Walter Mondale: Reagan played cowboys in the movies!!!

Any questions?

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Clock!

So... the US debt clock has run out of digits

I don't get it!? If America is going to owe 11 trillion dollars... who are they going to owe it to?

Is there someone out there with an 'IOU' note from America for 11 trillion dollars?

And if so, who has enough money to be able to lend 11 trillion dollars?!

'..Oh, you want to borrow some money? Sure.. let me just see what I've got in my pocket. Ah, 11 trillion dollars! I'm not using it! I guess you can have it!'

What would happen if we just said - stop! We want to see who has all the money!

I suspect this Capitalism thing is a myth. I think it's all a product of Donald Trump's imagination...

Troppo Rapido? Moi?

Eh... so I had a very nice conversation with the Luxembourgish Police last week:

'TobytheTeacher, although your driving is tiptop, we would prefer it if you did not drive at nearly double the speed limit.'

To which I replied, 'You think I should drive faster?'

'No. Perhaps slower.'

'But Mr Policeman, what about all the drink driving in Luxembourg?' I asked innocently.

'Ah but TobytheTeacher', he replied wisely, 'Bofferding helps you to drive better.'

'But Mr Policeman', I countered confused, 'if you fine me lots of money for driving too fast, how will I buy Bofferding?'

'Ah but TobytheTeacher that is why Bofferding is so cheap, so even after we have fined your hundreds and hundreds of euros for driving too fast, you can still buy more Bofferding.'

'Genius.'

'Twas a fair cop. I was doing 98 past the airport (a 50 zone). It was one of those magical moments in life when you know you're completely f**ked. And that the only thing you can do is hold your hands up and say 'yep, you got me.'

Evaluation Reports

It's evaluation report time for me... again. Hate paperwork with a growing passion.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Don't think I'll be using any phrases like these... I like to be a little more constructive:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

• I would not allow this employee to breed.

• This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.

• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

• He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

• A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

• He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

• He doesn't have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.

• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

• He’s been working with glue too much.

• He would argue with a signpost.

• He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

• When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

• If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he’s the other one.

• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

• A prime candidate for Natural de-Selection.

• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

• Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

• Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

• One neuron short of a Synapse.

• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

• Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

• The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is dead.

Cool Hand Luke

One of my favourite actors, Paul Newman has died.

Here's the BBC with a collection of some of his most memorable scenes.

Paul Newman stared in my second favourite movie of all time 'Cool Hand Luke', playing my favourite movie character of all time. Here is the famous 'no man can eat 50 eggs' scene courtesy of youtube.

And finally, and from the same movie, Newman sings 'Plastic Jesus'. To set the scene, Luke has just found out his mother had died. This is how he marks it.

To a genuine world shaker!

Great Ways to Annoy People at Work..

Ah, Friday...

But is it taking its time to get to the weekend?
Bored of sitting in your office?
Need something to do?

TobytheTeacher is here to help:

Some great ways to annoy people at work*...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

*I didn't write this myself. It was forwarded to me a while ago by a friend. Don't know where they found it.

I hope you all have great weekends! :)

Obama in The West Wing and Michael Moore's Slacker Uprising

So, the story goes like this..

I was at home yesterday evening when President Bush called me and said, 'TobytheTeamster I need your assistification!'

I said, 'It's teacher, and assitification is not a - oh nevermind, go on'.

'My attentionisation has been directafied to your blog!'

'What?!'

'Do more stories about America!'

'But you can't read.'

'Hungry hungry caterpillar!'

And with that, he was gone. Like an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle, trapped in a jigsaw.


Anyway...

What would happen if Barack Obama and the President from The West Wing TV show had a conversation?

Aaron Sorkin (writer of The West Wing) came up with this.


Meanwhile, that cheeky chappy Michael Moore is giving his film away for free on the Internet: here's the story, and here's the website: slackeruprising.com


May your days be in the mouth of a wolf!

Top Ten Places Not To Have Sex

Ok. Death is not really a funny thing, but... when considering where to have sex, perhaps a railway track is not the best place?!

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Places Not To Have Sex

1. The Pope's house.

2. The roof of your house... in a blizzard.

3. At a Micheal Bolton Concert. Not because it's too public, but because the music is really really bad.

4. In the gorilla cage at your local zoo.

5. In a horror film. Think about it...

6. In a zero gravity environment.

7. During one of my English lessons... you should be learning English!!

8. On your boss' desk. ...when he's / she's trying to type an email.

9. On the back row at your local school, during your kid's Christmas play.

10. On the back of an elephant that's performing in a giant circus tent, lead by clowns and acrobats... ...and everyone you have ever met (including all friends, colleagues and family members) are in the audience. ...and the elephant is dressed as Osama Bin Laden.

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Might be Going the Wrong Way...

Woody Allen said, 'A relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.'

Is your relationship a dead shark? 'Ten Dating Red Flags' to help you decide.

Of course, they forgot to mention one or two:

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Dating Red Flags:

1. You find Voodoo-doll replicas of yourself in your partner's apartment.

2. Your partner refers to you as 'the fat stupid one'.

3. You know how you are going to kill your partner and you've started to shop for supplies.

4. For your partner's birthday, you buy them 'an all expenses paid vacation to the jungle region of north Columbia' and a 'I hate guerrilla fighters' T-Shirt.

5. When out on a date, both you and your partner prefer to talk to homeless people than to each other.

6. Your partner's Father makes a point of showing you his gun collection every time you go to his home.

7. In their office, your partner has a dartboard with your face printed on it.

8. For your birthday, your partner gives you a brochure for a cosmetic surgery clinic.

9. When your partner speaks, all you can hear is a bell tolling.

10. You have decided to sleep with a monkey - just to get your partner's attention.

It's International Talk like a Pirate Day!

Avast you salty dogs!

It be International Talk like a Pirate Day. Whether ye be salty dog or scurvy bilge rat, ye be expected to batten down the hatches, pull up anchor and set sail!

All the vocab ye be needing is to be found here.

May a fair wind and gentle seas greet ye all for the weekend! Arrr!!!

Virginity for Sale...

Eh...

Girl sells her virginity on the Internet

...thinking of a joke, thinking of a joke...

This may be beyond parody.


OK. There's no joke here. We're the joke. The West. This is just horrible.
Is there anyway this girl has any idea of what she's getting into? No.
Prostitution is one thing - but this is just weird.
What kind of man would bid for this? Buy this? It makes the skin crawl.

That's it... I'm joining Al Qaeda. ...well, ok no. Because they're more f**ked up than we are - put I'm gonna start my own organisation: 'The Everybody is f**king Crazy Organisation'.

Great Gig in the Sky

Ummagumma!

The founding member of Pink Floyd, Rick Wright has died.

For those of you who don't really know Pink Floyd's music, it's a bit like listening to Jean Michel Jarre - but, if Jean Michel Jarre had actual musical talent.


My favourite Pink Floyd track written by Rick Wright: Paint Box

This track was written after madcap-genius-piping-at-the-gates-of-dawn Syd Barret left the band, but before the escalating-Roger-Water's-ego-show began. I think it nestles quietly between two loud giants. One all the colours of the rainbow and more besides, the other an ego destined to collapse under the weight of its own great sense of self-importance and, sorry Roger, disappeared up its own bottom.


However before Roger disappeared behind his wall, Pink Floyd made this album: Dark Side of the Moon*.

I tried to isolate the two tracks Rick Wright is sighted with having the most influence ('Great Gig in The Sky' and 'Us & Them'), but I couldn't do it! Splitting a Pink Floyd album from this era is liking tearing strips of a Monet - stupid.


Paint Box

Last night I had too much to drink
Sitting in a club with so many fools
Playing to rules
Trying to impress but feeling rather empty
I had another drink
Drink - a - drink - a - drink - a - drink

What a way to spend that evening
They all turn up with their friends
Playing the game
But in the scene I should have been
Far away
Away - away - away - away - away
Getting up, I feel as if I'm remembering this scene before
I open the door to an empty room
Then I forget

The telephone rings and someone speaks
She would very much like to go out to a show
So what can I do - I can't think what to say
She sees through anyway
Away - away - away - away - away

Out of the front door I go
Traffic's moving rather slow
Arriving late, there she waits
Looking very angry, as cross as she can be
Be - a - be - a - be - a - be - a - be
Getting up, I feel as if I'm remembering this scene before
I open the door to an empty room
Then I forget


All of the lyrics for 'Dark Side of the Moon'.

*for some inexplicable reason, the track order on deezer is wrong. I think it's a French website - perhaps Jean Michel Jarre has been involved in some sabotage! ;) Anyway, here are the tracks in the correct order:

Speak to Me
(Mason) 1:16

"I've been mad for fucking years, absolutely years, been over the edge for yonks, been working me buns off for bands..."

"I've always been mad, I know I've been mad, like the
most of us...very hard to explain why you're mad, even if you're not mad..."

(Instrumental)


Breathe
(Waters, Gilmour, Wright) 2:44

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.


On The Run
(Gilmour, Waters) 3:32

[female announcer, announcing flights at airport, including 'Rome']
"Live for today, gone tomorrow, that's me, HaHaHaaaaaa!"

(Instrumental)

Time
(Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour) 7:06

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

Breathe (reprise)
7:06

Home, home again.
I like to be here when I can.
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire.
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

The Great Gig in the Sky
(Wright) 4:44

"And I am not frightened of dying, any time will do, I
don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying?
There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime."

"If you can hear this whispering you are dying."

"I never said I was frightened of dying."

(Instrumental)


Money
(Waters) 6:32

Money, get away.
Get a good job with good pay and you're okay.
Money, it's a gas.
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.

Money, get back.
I'm all right Jack keep your hands off of my stack.
Money, it's a hit.
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.
I'm in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a Lear jet.

Money, it's a crime.
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie.
Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil today.
But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're
giving none away.

"HuHuh! I was in the right!"
"Yes, absolutely in the right!"
"I certainly was in the right!"
"You was definitely in the right. That geezer was cruising for a
bruising!"
"Yeah!"
"Why does anyone do anything?"
"I don't know, I was really drunk at the time!"
"I was just telling him, he couldn't get into number 2. He was asking
why he wasn't coming up on freely, after I was yelling and
screaming and telling him why he wasn't coming up on freely.
It came as a heavy blow, but we sorted the matter out"


Us and Them
(Waters, Wright) 7:40

Us, and them
And after all we're only ordinary men.
Me, and you.
God only knows it's noz what we would choose to do.
Forward he cried from the rear
and the front rank died.
And the general sat and the lines on the map
moved from side to side.
Black and blue
And who knows which is which and who is who.
Up and down.
But in the end it's only round and round.
Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
The poster bearer cried.
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There's room for you inside.

"I mean, they're not gunna kill ya, so if you give 'em a quick short,
sharp, shock, they won't do it again. Dig it? I mean he get off
lightly, 'cos I would've given him a thrashing - I only hit him once!
It was only a difference of opinion, but really...I mean good manners
don't cost nothing do they, eh?"

Down and out
It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about.
With, without.
And who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
Out of the way, it's a busy day
I've got things on my mind.
For the want of the price of tea and a slice
The old man died.


Any Colour You Like
(Gilmour, Mason, Wright) 3:25

(Instrumental)


Brain Damage
(Waters) 3:50

The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.

The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

"I can't think of anything to say except...
I think it's marvelous! HaHaHa!"


Eclipse
(Waters) 2:04

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."

Italian News Round-Up

So the story goes like this...

Silvio Berlusconi phoned me on the weekend and said, 'Ciao Toby. I am calling you for two reasons: The first reason is to tell you how fabulous I am. The second reason is to tell you to do more stories about Italy.'

I replied by saying, 'Silvio, you crazy chipmunk, my blog is supposed to be about English language culture, not Italian culture.'

But this was not enough for the persistent little chipmunk and so he said, 'Toby, if you do not do more stories about Italy, I will phone you everyday and sing to you.'

What choice do I have?


Now, I'm no expert... but I think, if you want a plane to fly, you need fuel. Troubles continue at Alitalia


Meanwhile in Naples, forget about bread the way ya' mama used to make - what about bread the way The Godfather makes it!

Yikes! Poisoned bread. You know, you Italians really need to do what we English did. Take all your corrupt rich people, put them in 'The House of Lords' and call them the Aristocracy ;)


And Sabina Guzzanti, my favourite Italian comedian (what?! Ok... I admit it, I've never heard of her before), is in deep doo-doo for making making jokes about The Pope

Making fun of The Pope - what's the big deal? Now, if she was making fun of The Queen - that would be a big deal.

In England, if you make fun of The Queen, you are put in a cage with The Queen's corgi dogs - and they eat you alive.


Oh God. Silvio just phoned me. He said he's going to phone me everyday and sing to me, to say thank you, for writing about Italy.

Nuts.

Swear Words for Friday

What's the point of learning a language, if you don't know how to swear in it?
Worry not, I'm here to help.

*of course, this could just be my sub-conscious trying to get me fired...

Every office should have a swear jar.

Although, you shouldn't buy Bud with the money. American beer is like making love in a canoe, it's f**king close to water.

There are no swear words in America's longest running kid's show Sesame Street... or are there? Let's find out.

Wait a moment! None of these videos have had actual swear words in them!

Let's solve that right now: with a song.

That's it! I'm done. Elvis has left the building. I'm emptying my bank account and heading to Mexico for the weekend!

(where I am known as 'el professore del muchos coronas')

Troppo Anglitaliano?

Non va bene!

The Italians want less English words in Italian

Perché? lo Stress... il weekend... molto cool! No?

I understand. What's the point of spending all that time at school learning your uber-complicated language, if you're going to pollute it with all our prima-nifty English words.

Still, it's not all one way traffic: English words of Italian origin

And with football results like this, let's keep that Italian influence coming!

Top Ten Signs Your Man Might Be Cheating...

Just how do you tell if your man is cheating on you?

Cosmopolitan has the answers.

Of course, they forgot to mention a few.

Girls, TobytheTeacher’s official Top Ten Signs Your Man Might Be Cheating:

1. You find him in bed with sixteen ‘Thai-lady-boys’.

2. When you’re having sex, he says things like, ‘Well that’s not how my other girlfriend does it.’

3. When you’re having sex he says things like, ‘Well that’s not how my boyfriend does it.’

4. He arrives at your apartment with a big bunch of red roses, a box of chocolates and a birthday card. When you explain to him that it’s not your birthday, he replies, ‘Oh sorry, wrong address.’

5. You arrive home to find him handcuffed to the bed, wearing a gimp suit and a cowboy hat. There’s a note stuck on the bedside table that reads ‘Out for some smokes, back in five.’

6. One night at dinner he asks you, ‘Is it you that likes ‘Sex in the City’ or is that my other girlfriend?’ (to which the answer is, you both love ‘Sex in the City’)

7. He arrives home to find you having tea in the back garden with your parents. As soon as he sees your father he starts pointing and screaming ‘Arhh! Zombie! Zombie!!’ After seeing the confused and shocked look on your face, he calms down and explains, ‘Sorry, wrong girlfriend.’

8. He starts saying things like, ‘Well… eh… I guess I better go now to… eh… rescue some… eh… children and… puppies from a… fire in a… shoe shop - I’ll rescue the shoes too.’

9. In the middle of an argument he exclaims, ‘God! You complain nearly as much as my other girlfriend!’

10. In the shower, he starts singing this song:


'Simultaneous'

Baby you know, you're the one for me
And all that I want to be is...

You and me... and her, simultaneous
You and me... and you and you, simultaneous
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous ooh, come on

Have an open mind, blow my trigger down
Gimme the last cold turkey blast, make it fast
Take my ass to town

Have an open mind, send my cares away
Ring my bell you fat piggy whale, what the hell Today's your lucky day

You and me... and her, simultaneous
You and me... and Wynona Rider, simultaneous
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous, ooh, come on

Have an open mind, is a normal thing to do
Don't be rude, just get nude
Oh, you're being rude, I would do it for you
Baby please have an open mind, you're the only one I love
These girls you see, baby they don't mean anything, let's all just get in the tub
You and me... and her too, simultaneous
You and me... and your momma and your sister
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous oww, come on

Everybody in the pool!

Have an open mind, don't be so mean to me
Call your sister and your mother and your aunt
It's every man's fantasy
Have an open... woa, baby, put that knife away
Don't be mad, I'll take you back, just relax, we can make love your way
I'm talking about

You and me... and some flowers and some wine, instantaneous
You and me... and Whitney Houston (on the radio, babe, on the radio)
Some candles and some good feelings
Just the two of us
Oh, fudge it
Now, I'm talking about

You and me... and her and her and her, simultaneous
You and me... and women in the house, simultaneous
Three and seven, make it a baker's dozen
See the ladies in the house clap your hands
Now that'd be a party, ladies

Censoring Poetry...

Uh oh! Looks like the Nazis might have won the war after all... people are censoring poetry in English schools.

Here would be the poet's response

And here would be my favourite poem:

Limbo

Fishermen at Ballyshannon
Netted an infant last night
Along with the salmon.
An illegitimate spawning,

A small one thrown back
To the waters. But I'm sure
As she stood in the shallows
Ducking him tenderly

Till the frozen knobs of her wrists
Were dead as the gravel,
He was a minnow with hooks
Tearing her open.

She waded in under
The sign of the cross.
He was hauled in with the fish.
Now limbo will be

A cold glitter of souls
Through some far briny zone.
Even Christ's palms, unhealed,
Smart and cannot fish there.

By Seamus Heaney

Oh Bugger.

All this talking about the North of England got me thinking - 'oh bugger'.

As you all know, I pride myself in teaching only the most important business words and expressions. This word is no exception - 'bugger'.

Technically (and I guess you should all know this before you try to use the word), 'to bugger' means to commit an abnormal sexual act.

But don't worry about that. If you guys and girls want to commit abnormal sexual acts, it's your lives, whatever goes on between consenting adults or farm animals is your personal business. I'm not one to judge. As John Lennon put it, 'whatever gets you through the night'.


This is how to use the word:

You drop your cup of coffee - 'oh bugger.'

You discover your loved one in bed with a sheep - 'oh bugger'.

You arrive at work to discover Hitler is your new boss - 'oh bugger'.

You accidentally step on Chuck Norris' foot - 'OH BUGGGER!!!!!!'


Perhaps this video will explain it better: The Fast Show and Unlucky Alf


May you all have beautiful, bugger-free weekends! ...unless, of course, you like to bugger on the weekends. In which case, may your buggerings be plentiful and enjoyable!

Football Stories...

All this talk of football has made nostalgic...

My father is a lifelong Rotherham Utd Fan.

Rotherham is in the North of England. And like much of the North of England it used to be an industrial town. The greatly celebrated UK economic switch from an industrial / manufacturing economy to a financial services economy came at a high price. Towns like Rotherham paid that price.

Rotherham Utd very much reflects the condition of its town. It is dieing.

While the super clubs of the Premier League give opulent and excessive opportunity for the super rich to demonstrate their wealth, many English football clubs are going bankrupt. Specifically, they are going bankrupt chasing debts that wouldn't even pay a month's salary for anyone of the many 'superstar footballers' that play in the Premier League (you know, between golf games).

Nevertheless, and in the face of all reason, my father continues to support Rotherham Utd. When unable to go to Rotherham Utd matches (due to living too far away), my father would go to other lower division matches (Hartlepool and Darlington). And when he did this, he took me with him. It is in this unique arena, in my very early years, that I learned about football.


I learned many things at football matches:

I learned how cold it could be standing on a winters evening, in the rain, in the North of England for 90 plus minutes.

I learned how bad English food can be. The football ground pork pie can be used for many things: throwing at the referee, throwing at your sister (some times she came too), or as a huge meteorite from space during a particularly exciting car chase (keep reading - you'll understand later). But the one thing you can not use a football ground pork pie for is... for eating.

And as a young boy, I learned about swear words. And I learned about anger. I stood terrified as a man behind me shouted with absolute hate the following at a player on the opposing team: 'F*ck off! F*ck off you f*cking sh*t! You f*cking cheating sh*t! F*ck you you f*cking f*cker!!'. In near paralysed fear, I dared to turn round very slightly to see the angry man's face. It was my father.


But it wasn't all bad. I shall end with my favourite football story, which, honestly, I was too young at the time to remember - so this is based on my father's telling:

When we went to see Hartlepool, my father and I would sit beneath one of the cast iron pylons (for the flood lights) at one corner of the ground. In point of fact we would stand, not sit, because most of the grounds were predominately terrace at that time. A Terrace is like a big concrete staircase that fans can stand on to watch the game. Actually, my father would stand and I would play with my toy cars and trucks. The terrace made for a massive landscape of chases and high speed crashes. Cars and trucks would career about wildly before tumbling to destruction off the sheer face concrete cliffs. Meanwhile on the football pitch, Hartlepool were probably drawing 0-0 with Exeter.

When the car chases become too exhausting or too boring, my father would read Thomas The Tank Engine books to me. During one particularly boring 0-0 match, my father and I were sat upon the concrete slabs of the terrace deep in the midst of Thomas' latest adventure. Gradually my father became aware of something. The five or six 'hard as nails, working class Northern blokes' that had been standing just off from us, were now standing a lot closer. And they were no longer watching the football match. They were listening to the Thomas the Tank Engine story.


Millionaires of the world. Leave football alone. F*ck off. And spend your money on Ferrari's and Supermodels instead.

Now That's Football Lad!

Me? Talking about football... surely not.

Alan Curbishley has left West Ham because he thinks the English Premier League is being ruined by millionaires interested in demonstrating status, rather than building good football teams

Aside from that being the longest html link I've ever typed (I know, I need to get out more), I think he's got a point.

On one of the rare occasions when I ventured from the safety of my own little world to go see a movie at the cinema, I ran into a couple of Italian clients who asked me why I wasn't watching The Champions League Final. This was a reasonable question as two English teams were in the final. I replied, 'Why would I care who wins - Millionaire A's team or Millionaire B's team?'

English Football Clubs began as community clubs. Their connection to their community is vital. The Premier League is becoming an elaborate Tax Dodge and Status Symbol for the Rich. And the fans? The fans are becoming wine-bar yuppies who'll support whichever team will give them glory (oh, and an excuse to get boozed up and obnoxious on expensive bottles of champagne).

Football for me was going to see Rotherham, Hartlepool and Darlington games with my dad as a boy. Misery. 90mins of cold wind and no discernible footballing talent to speak of. But that, versus the Premier League? Give me flat caps, pork pies, and 0-0 draws in the rain any day - now that's football lad!

Dance Dance, Wake Me Up, Rich & Famous Lifestyles, I Miss You.

There may or may not be a theme today. I may have run out of themes. Or, there may be a complicated woven theme there to discover...

I'm too old to like this song, really. Fall Out Boy, 'Dance Dance'

As a US backed Georgia get cocky with the great bear - clearly the Cold War just wasn't fun enough, Green Day's disarmingly simplistic 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'

'Lifestyles of The Rich and The Famous' - does that have anything to do with the last song? Maybe...

To end with Blink 182, 'I Miss you'. I just like the tone of this song. That is all.


Dance, Dance

She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out a joke of a romantic stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too overdramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"
Vs. "no one should ever feel like..."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Dance, Dance - We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance - And these are the lives you love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

You always fold just before you're found out
Drink up it's last call last resort
But only the first mistake and I

...I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Why don't you show me a little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress, love

Dance, Dance - We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance - And these are the lives you love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Why don't you show me a little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress (mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

Dance, Dance - We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance - And these are the lives you love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
Dance, this is the way they'd love
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance


Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when september ends
Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when september ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when september ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when september ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when september ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast

Wake me up when september ends
Wake me up when september ends
Wake me up when september ends


Lifestyles of The Rich and The Famous

Only see it on tv
Read it in the magazines
Celebrities that want sympathy
All they do is piss and moan
Inside the rolling stone
Talking about how hard life can be

I'd like to see them spend the week
Livin' life out on the street
I dont think they would survive
But they could spend a day or two
Walking in someone else's shoes
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall
They would fall Fall

Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin' always complainin'
If money is such a problem
Well they got mansions
Think we should rob them

Well did you know when your famous you could kill your wife
And theres no such thing as 25 to life
As long as you got the cash to pay for cochran
And did you know if you were cought and you were smokin crack
And McDonald's wouldnt even wanna take you back
You could always just run for mayor of D.C.

I'd like to see them spend the week
Livin' life out on the street
I dont think they would survive
But they could spend a day or two
Walking in someone else's shoes
I think they'd stumble and they'd fall they would fall

Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin' always complainin'
If money is such a problem
Well they got mansions
Think we should rob them

Fall

Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin' always complainin'
If money is such a problem
You got so many problems
Think I could solve them

Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous
We'll take your clothes, cash cards, and homes just stop complaining
Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous
Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous
Lifestlyes of the rich and the famous


I Miss You

(I miss you miss you)

Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted
The webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head(6x)

I miss you miss you(6x)

The Women's Guide to Men's English

One for the girls...

Learning better English will help you communicate more easily with a lot of people around the world, but will it help you communicate with men more easily?

Fear not girls, TobytheTeacher - aka 'The Lurve Doctor' is here:


THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

The Man's Guide to Female English

One for the guys...

Learning better English will help you communicate more easily with a lot of people around the world, but will it help you communicate with women more easily?

Fear not guys, TobytheTeacher - aka 'The Lurve Doctor' is here:


THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

US Election Updates

Need to keep an eye on Uncle Sam?

Stay on top of the US Election with daily updates from the guardian:

Register now for our US presidential election email

After all, it'll be nice to know who'll be controlling all of our nations' futures in the coming years!


Now all hail to the chief like good subjects.

...I've gotta get that as a ring tone.

My New Hero

Every so often in life, a normal person, a person from the streets, stands up to be counted - to fight the power:

Man's Pants Password is Changed

Everytime I try to log into my internet banking service, a video just loads of my bank manager pointing and laughing at me... bastard.

Le Binge Drinking?

Mon dieu! It is not just 'zose Anglo-Saxon Monkey Pigs who 'ave zi problem binge drinking!!

Bonjour Binge Drinking


The article sights the problem of alco-pops encouraging young people to drink.

In my opinion, if you're not old enough to taste alcohol, you're not old enough to drink it.

Time to ban the fruity, silly, sugar-sweet, girly-girly, alco-pop drinks!

Drunk Brits and Ambassador's Sex Toys...

Experimenting with Html... this will probably all end in tears! ;)


Uh oh, the British have been drinking too much again:

Some Britons Too Unruly for Resorts in Europe

...the article suggests that Britons only drink excessively when in foreign countries, this is not true - we are quite happy to drink, fight and cause trouble in our own country too! We're very fair like that.


If it wasn't enough that Johnny Foreigner is having a go at out beloved culture of drinking until we can no longer walk, stand, think or crawl particularly well... one of are own is doing it too! Bad Jamie Oliver:

Oliver criticises alcohol culture

Food? More important than drinking alcohol? Run that one by me again...


...clearly when you need to relax, instead of all this drinking, just do what the Israeli Ambassador to San Salvador did ...oh no wait, he was drinking too:

Naked, drunk, surrounded by sex toys - it's the Israeli ambassador

...ah Monsieur Ambassador, with these sex toys you are really spoiling us!

The Difference Between Men and Women...

Nothing funny has happened in the news... nothing. So, instead, eh... some actual English practise - when was the last time that happened on this blog??? ...a friend forwarded me this a while ago. Sorry, I don't know where it came from:


Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor:

The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

"The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."


The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.


THE STORY:(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.


(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.


(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"


(Rebecca)

A**hole.


(Gary)

B**ch


(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!


(Gary)

Go drink some tea - w**re.


(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

Do You Remember Teen Wolf?

Ok. The blog has been getting a little serious of late. Back on form with a funny video...


Do you remember Teen Wolf? Micheal J Fox. The 80s. High school. 88 miles per hour Marty! That's the power of love! ...wait was that Teen Wolf? Anyway, I don't remember it being like this (oh yeah, rude words!!):

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/1e5af33246

...I remember watching Teen Wolf on a bus to London (school trip to the science museum - rock n' roll!), half way through the movie, one of the older kids at the back of the bus shouted, 'this film is rubbish! It's just like Teen Wolf 2!'.

Some people shouldn't go to the science museum - there's no point.

Elements of Style

It's not all Chuck Norris jokes and Clint Eastwood movie references, no no, here on TobytheTeacher's blog there's something for everyone... so, for the girls - eh... fashion like things.

(Obviously, I have no actually understanding of any of this so I'll probably fall flat on my a*se.)


Have you ever wondered how to build a modern wardrobe? I know I have! Try some design classics that are as fresh as they are timeless...

http://shopping.yahoo.com/articles/yshoppingarticles/129/elements-of-style/

...you see, this is why I wear a black suit and tie, white shirt combo - a classic never dies. Fashions come and go people, but style, style is permanent. ;)

What's Going On? Trouble Man, Inner City Blues..

I've got that back to work feeling... it's like that back to school feeling. The only difference is, tomorrow I'll be at the front of the class not the back.

Three tracks by Marvin Gaye. Marvin helps.


'What's going on?'

http://www.deezer.com/track/906853


'Trouble Man'

http://www.deezer.com/track/1101755


'Inner City Blues'

http://www.deezer.com/track/906861

..what is striking about the lyrics of all three of these songs, is how relevant they still are today. This means, as a society, we westerners have learned nothing in the past 30 years.

Still, I guess it's a small price to pay for being able to still relate to Marvin Gaye songs.


'What's Going On?'

Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today - Ya

Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Ah, what's going on

In the mean time
Right on, baby
Right on
Right on

Mother, mother,
Everybody thinks we're wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today - Oh

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see

What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Tell me what's going on
I'll tell you what's going on - Uh

Right on baby
Right on baby


'Trouble Man'

I come up hard, baby
But now I'm cool
I didn't make it, sugar
Playin' by the rules

I come up hard, baby
But now I'm fine
I'm checkin' trouble, sugar
Movin' down the line

I come up hard, baby
But that's okay, cause
Trouble man
Don't get in the way

I come up hard, baby
I'm in for real, baby
Gonna keep movin'
Gonna go to town

I come up hard
I come up, gettin' down

There's only three things
That's for sho'
Taxes, death and trouble, h'oh!

This I know, man, is
This I know, sugarGirl,
Ain't gon' let it sweat me, baby

Got me singin'
Yeah! Yea-aah!
Hoo-ooo-ooo

Come up hard, baby
I had to fight
Took care of my bid'ness
Wit' all my might

I come up hard, awful hard
I had to win
Then start all over
And win again

I come up hard
But that's okay, 'cause
Trouble man
Don't get in my way
Hey, hey!

I know some places
And I see some faces
I've got the connections
I dig my directions
What people say, that's okay
They don't bother me, oh yeah

I'm ready to make it
Don't care what the weather
Don't care 'bout no trouble
Got myself together
I feel the kind of protection
That's all around me

I come up hard, baby
I be for real, baby
With a trouble minds
Movin', goin' to town

I come up hard
I come up, gettin' down

There's only three things fo' sho'
Taxes, death and trouble

Ooh, this I've known, baby, ooo!
This I've known, baby
Ain't gon' let it sweat me, baby
Woo!

I'm on the ground, yeah, yeah!'

Woo, I come up hard
But now I've cooled
I didn't make it, baby
Playin' by the rules

Come up hard, baby
Now, I'm fine, I've
Checkin' trouble, sugar
Hey, movin' down the line

FADES:Oooh.


'Inner City Blues'

Dah, dah, dah, dah
dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah

Rockets, moon shots
Spend it on the have nots
Money, we make it
'for we see it you take it

Oh, make you wanna holler
The way they do my life
Make me wanna holler
The way they do my life

This ain't livin', This ain't livin'
No, no baby, this ain't livin'
No, no, no

Inflation no chance
To increase finance
Bills pile up sky high
Send that boy off to die

Make me wanna holler
The way they do my life
Make me wanna holler
The way they do my life

Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah

Hang ups, let downs
Bad breaks, set backs
Natural fact is
I can't pay my taxes

Oh, make me wanna holler
And throw up both my hands
Yea, it makes me wanna holler
And throw up both my hands

Crime is increasing
Trigger happy policing
Panic is spreading
God know where we're heading
Oh, make me wanna holler
They don't understand

Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah

Mother, mother
Everybody thinks we're wrong
Who are they to judge us
Simply cause we wear our hair long

Economic Migration is Fantastic!

Isn't economic migration great? As an economic migrant to Luxembourg, I have taken a skill of no particular value in my own 'home' country - speaking English - and moved to a different country where it is of, dare I say it, quite high value. Ignoring for the moment that I actually live here because I wanted to be near my little brother as he grows up, I am here, essentially, so I can earn more money.

This is, of course, also true of the other 200,000 or so johnny-foreigners that work in Luxembourg. I have not heard many complaints about us. I don't see any EU inspired strategies to curve this dangerous influx of non-Luxembourgish talent into darling little Luxembourg. And yet, economic migrants are vilified across the EU. What's the difference between them and us? Really, we have all moved countries to have better lives. What is wrong with that?

There are few more curious places to find anti-immigration rhetoric than Italy. Are they any other nationalities that have made more of migrating to other countries? None of the rest of us would have any decent restaurants if it wasn't for immigrant Italians.... and yet:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/aug/17/familyandrelationships.roma


...in the interests of balance, this is in no way a singularly Italian problem. Ah, the UK:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/immigration


If you don't fancy sifting through all the articles, this one is particularly interesting:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/aug/08/eu.immigration


If you look at the numbers for immigration in the UK, it's not particularly high relative to our population. Then, if you factor in the number of people that leave the UK each year (like me - sick of the rain and the food), the impact on our total population is smaller still. The jobs that are 'taken' by immigrants are more often than not, jobs that English people are not prepared to do (we are a precious people nowadays - all want to be footballers and pop stars). The UK would, quite simply, not function without economic migration.

Personally, I would solve immigration thus - for every migrant that arrives in the UK ready to work and contribute. We should exchange them for one lazy unemployed English person. After a couple of years of living in a poorer country, they'll probably appreciate the idea of being in the UK and actually do some work for their money.

To bring the blog full circle, virtually half the population of Luxembourg is made up of economic migrants. Nasty, evil, money grabbing economic migrants. Can someone point to tangible evidence that Luxembourg is worse for us being here? Are there 30 million economic migrants about to descend upon the UK? Or 29 million about to land upon the shores of Italy? I don't think so.

So, a quick question to end with, in regard to this whole economic migration thing... what's the big f*cking deal?

Happiness is a Well Educated Gun?

Now we all love national stereotypes... the Germans have no sense of humour, the French are arrogant, the Italians disorganised, and the English, the English make stupid jokes about other nationalities (did you see what I did there?) ...but really, Americans, this is stupid:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7564654.stm


Chris Rock on Gun Control (he says it so much better than I could):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdJGcrUk2eE


Don't really like Tori Amos' music, but here she is doing The Beatles track 'Happiness is a Warm Gun':

http://www.deezer.com/track/95501

'Happiness is a Warm Gun' (as with many covers, Tori sings the same lyrics but in her own order)

She's not a girl who misses much.
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane.

The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down.
Down to the bits that I left uptown.
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down.

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun.

Happiness is a warm gun
(bang, bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun
When I hold you in my arms
And I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun.
Yes it is.

Sir Penguin and My Favourite Penguin Jokes

Finally, a Royal Honour that makes sense:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7562773.stm

Having reached such a senior military position, the Penguin is now a front runner for taking over control of the rebuilding of Iraq.


My favourite penguin jokes:

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'I'm looking for my brother. Have you seen him?' The barman replies, 'I don't know. What does he look like?'

Two penguins are walking Antarctica. The first penguin turns to the second and says, 'It looks like you could be wearing a tuxedo.' To which the second penguin replies, 'Maybe I am.'

Music We Hate to Love...

Posting the song 'Don't Stop Believing' got me thinking... songs we're embarrassed we like.

Here are few of mine... not the most embarrassing, mind you. More therapy is required before that...

When people ask me about my daily routine, I reply to them, 'Well.... (comedic pause) I get up! And nothing gets me down...' Van Halen, 'Jump':

http://www.deezer.com/track/6724


I blame this one totally on too much time spent playing GTA Vice City. Spandau Ballet, 'Gold':

http://www.deezer.com/track/151284


This one is shameless.... 'I was made for loving you' by Kiss:

http://www.deezer.com/track/81


And finally, those cheeky chappies Bon Jovi, Livin' on a Prayer:

http://www.deezer.com/track/921480


'Jump'

I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest soul around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real

Oh can't you see me standing here,
I've got my back against the record machine
I ain't the worst that you've seen.
Oh can't you see what I mean?

Might as well jump. Jump !
Might as well jump.
Go ahead, jump. Jump !
Go ahead, jump.

Aaa-ohh Hey you ! Who said that ?
Baby how you been ?
You say you don't know, you won't know until we begin.

Well can't you see me standing here,
I've got my back against the record machine
I ain't the worst that you've seen.
Oh can't you see what I mean ?

Might as well jump. Jump!
Go ahead, jump.
Might as well jump. Jump!
Go ahead, jump.
Jump!

(guitar solo)
(keyboard solo)

Part of the video version: Aaa-ohh!

Might as well jump. Jump!
Go ahead, jump.
Get it and jump. Jump!
Go ahead, jump

Jump!
Jump!
Jump!
Jump!


'Gold'

Thank you for coming home
I'm sorry that the chairs are all worn
I left them here I could have sworn
These are my salad days
Slowly being eaten away
Just another play for today

Oh but Im proud of you, but I'm proud of you
Theres nothing left to make me feel small
Luck has left me standing so tall

Gold
Always believe in your soul
You've got the power to know
You're indestructable
Always believe in, because you are

Gold
Glad that you're bound to return
There's something I could have learned
You're indestructable, always believe in

After the rush has gone
I hope you find a little more time
Remember we were partners in crime
It's only two years ago
The man with the suit and the pace
You know that he was there on the case
Now he's in love with you, he's in love with you

And my love is like a prison wall
But you could leave me standing so tall

Gold
Always believe in your soul
You've got the power to know
You're indestructable
Always believe in, because you are
Gold

Glad that you're bound to return
There's something I could have learned
You're indestructable, always believe in

(repeat)


'I was made for loving you'

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do

Tonight I wanna give it all to you
In the darkness
Theres so much I wanna do

And tonight I wanna lay it at your feet
'cause girl, I was made for you
And girl, you were made for me

I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me?

Tonight I wanna see it in your eyes
Feel the magic
Theres something that drives me wild

And tonight were gonna make it all come true
'cause girl, you were made for me
And girl I was made for you

I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me?

I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can give it all to you baby
Can you give it all to me?

Oh, can't get enough, oh, oh
I can't get enough, oh, oh
I can't get enough
Yeah, ha

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do

I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me?

Oh, I was made, you were made
I can't get enough
No, I can't get enough

I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me?

I was made for lovin' you baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can give it all to you baby


'Livin' on a Prayer'

Once upon a time
Not so long ago

Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck...it's tough, so tough

Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
'cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - well give it a shot

(Chorus:)
Whooah, were half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and well make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

Tommy's got his six string in hock
Now he's holding in what he used
To make it talk - so tough, its tough

Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers baby its okay, someday

We've got to hold on to what we've got
'cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - well give it a shot

(Chorus)

We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got

(Chorus)

Isaac Hayes - Sing-a-Long Tribute

Isaac Hayes has died:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080810/ap_on_re_us/obit_isaac_hayes

Let's have a special TobytheTeacher Sing-a-Long in tribute to the great funkster!

Where else could we start, but here? The theme from 'Shaft':

http://www.deezer.com/track/5040

...'who's the blond English teacher that's a sex machine with all the chicks?' ...hihi, I can hear all of you laughing. Thanks.


I drive around my Rover pretending it's a pimp-mobile to this track - 'Joy Part 1':

http://www.deezer.com/track/1095341

...honestly, the track I listen to is the full version - but it's around 16 minutes long.... and in my head my Rover has a leopard skin seats, pink leather, a disco ball, and I'm sitting in the back... in a jacuzzi, with a mini-bar and Jessica Alba - but she has a huge Afro. ...damn.


Finally, Isaac as Chef from South Park. What more can I say? ....let's all suck on Chef's chocolate salty balls...

http://www.deezer.com/track/25280


'Shaft'

Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?

(Shaft!)
You're damn right

Who is the man
That would risk his neck for his brother man?

(Shaft!)
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about

(Shaft!)
Right on

You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Shaft
(Then we can dig it)

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman
(John Shaft)


'Joy - Part 1'

Every morning when I rise, baby
I look into your sexy eyes, baby
Your love refreshing is good to me, baby
There`s no other place I`d rather be, baby

What a way to start each day
Everything I think of
Just comes my way
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

(CHORUS)
Cause you`re my joy
You`re everything to me
And you`ve shown me
How groovy life can be
Lips to lips, heart to heart
In a way that will never part

Sweetness is the name for you, sugar
And loveliness becomes you too
Dedication is your thing, mama
You`re forever true to your man, baby

You`re the only one
Who thrills me through and through
And I`ll never find another
If I search this whole world through
Oh, no, no, no

(CHORUS)

Now you know why
I smile all the time, baby
You give me such peace of mind, honey
Heartaches and pain is
A thing of the past, baby
I found happiness at last, mama

Anything you want
I`ll glady give to you
Cause you never did nothing once
That`s why I love you too
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

(CHORUS)

Keep on loving me
Keep on teasing me.....


'Chocolate Salty Balls'

Two tablespoon's of cinnamon,
And two or three egg whites.
A half a stick of butter?
Melted?

Stick it all in a bowl baby.
Stir it with a wooden spoon.
Mix in a cup of flour, you'll be in heaven soon.

Say everybody have you seen my balls they're big and salty and brown.
If you ever need a quick pick me up just stick my balls in your mouth.

Oooo suck on my chocolate salted balls stick 'em in your mouth, and suck em!
Suck on my chocolate salted balls, they're packed full of vitamins, and good for you.
So suck on my balls.

Quarter cup of unsweeten chocolate, and a half a cup of brandy.
You throw in a bag or two of sugar and just a pinch of vanilla.
Grease up the cookie sheet.
'Cause I hate when my balls stick.
Then preheat the oven to three fifty and give that spoon a lick.

Say everybody have you seen my balls they're big and salty and brown.
If you ever need a quick pick me up just stick my balls in your mouth.

Suck on my chocolate salted balls. Put em in your mouth, and suck 'em!
Suck on my chocolate salted balls, there packed full of goodness, high in fiber.
Suck on my balls.

[sniff, sniff, sniff]

Hey, wait a minute. What's that smell?
Smell like something burning.
Well that don't confront me none. Long as I get my rent paid on Friday.
Baby you better get back in the kitchen.
'Cause I got a sneak'n suspicion.
Oh man baby,
Baby!
You just burned my balls!

Help me, my balls on fire ?????
Baby my balls are burning give me some water!
Pour some water on me!
My balls are burning
Oh my goodness,
I'm blow'n I'm blow'n do somethin'

Oooo Suck on my chocolate salted balls. Put em in your mouth, and suck em!
They're on fire baby!
Suck on my chocolate salted balls,
Put em out baby, blow ohh

Suck on my balls baby
Suck on my balls baby
Suck on my, red hot, salted, chocolate balls
come on baby woo, woo
suck on my balls.

[blow blow]