Compliments Women Don't Love

Yahoo's back with 5 Compliments Every Woman Loves To Hear.

But what about compliments women don't love to hear?


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Compliments Women Don't Love


1. I like the shape of your head.

2. You look quite good for your age.

3. For a fat chick, you're not bad.

4. I've seen worse haircuts.

5. You almost look as good as your sister.

6. My mum says that all the time.

7. When I'm drunk, I can't stop thinking of you.

8. It's not just your body I like, I also like what you can do with it.

9. I'm not bored. I yawn because I'm comfortable with you.

10. Wow. You're a much better kisser than your mum.

Top Ten Body Language Mistakes

You can now preview my facebook page directly from this blog (just look to your right). Early this week on my facebook page, I linked to yahoo's Seven Common Body Language Mistakes.

As is often the case, I think they missed a few:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Body Language Mistakes

1. Making monkey faces at your colleagues & boss.

2. Doing the 'Y-M-C-A' during meetings.

3. Dramatically & theatrically smelling your own armpits at spontaneous moments throughout the day.

4. Walking 'in slow motion' from desk to desk, while making loud deep 'Hollywood' impact sounds as your feet make contact with the floor.

5. Always smiling, regardless of the situation.

6. Rubbing your colleagues knee caps.

7. Sit behind your desk with your hands in your pants.

8. Insist on only traveling in lifts / elevators standing on your head.

9. Cuddle the security guards.

10. Walk backwards.

Predictions for 2050

Now that the world has no economy, economists have nothing to do. So they've taken to predicting the future: What the World Will Look Like by 2050

I don't know about you, but those predictions scared me! But what about these:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Predictions for 2050

1. People will continue to be stupid.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger will have been American President at least once.

3. The Simpsons will still be on TV (there's nothing any of us can do about it).

4. Women will continue to freak out about their weight and obsess about shoes.

5. Increasingly, men will also freak out about their weight and accessorising for men will no longer be considered 'gay'.

6. Politics as we know it will cease to exist and, instead, we will all become shareholders in one or more massive corporations (this will be sold to us as the ultimate form of democracy, whereas it is, in fact the ultimate form of slavery).

7. Electronic money will be the only form of currency, thereby bonding us to the corporate capitalist system totally.

8. Science will allow women to have children on their own. This will eliminate the need for men, with the exception of for pleasure and heavy lifting. Men will therefore become no more than glorified boy-toys or donkeys, spending all their time at the gym or carrying large amounts of shoes (David Beckham is a prototype of this social model).

9. The French will continue to hate the Americans, but love TV shows like 'House' and 'Lost'. They will also continue to see no contradiction in these two attitudes.

10. All over the world, children will sit in classrooms, their eyes filled with hope, and their desks: Tobytheteacher Text Books. Stay tuned...

Interview Tips

Yahoo is back with some 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips'. Once again, I think they've missed some:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips':

1. When asked your name, reply grimily, 'I'm Batman'.

2. Insist on calling the interviewer 'Mr Bumhead' regardless of gender.

3. Ask the interviewer to switch places with you, because the current sitting-arrangement is effecting your 'chi'.

4. Begin all of your replies with, 'Well, in the words of William Shatner...'

5. Interrupt the interview half way through by suddenly whispering to the interviewer, 'Don't move - I have to draw you.'

6. Use a Ouija Board to answer all the questions.

7. Eat.

8. Stare slightly to the interviewer's left throughout the interview.

9. Make 'fish faces' at the interviewer whenever they're speaking.

10.At the end of the interview, insist on kissing the interviewer's feet.

First Date No No's

Yahoo is back with another 'how to be generic and popular' link:

This time, First Date Deal Breakers.


Personally, I think they've missed a few:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten First Date No No's

1. Insist that the girl calls you ‘Mr Big’ at all times.

2. Lick clean her plate after she has finished eating.

3. Profess your love of small, cute animals when used as target practice for your AK.

4. Introduce her to your right hand by referring to it as ‘your other lover’.

5. Tell her about the time you nearly died of stomach flu.

6. Explain to her, in great detail, why all of her favourite films are rubbish, and why she should really love the films of Sergio Leone (I’ve actually done this one).

7. Tell her she can only speak to you at half time.

8. Eat with your feet.

9. Say things like, ‘So, what does your Mum look like? I only ask ‘cos I wanna know what I’m in for.’

10. Dress like The Pope.

What Not To Say At A Party

Things Not To Say At A Party


My list...

1. I’ve just joined Al Qaeda.

2. Has anyone read ‘War and Peace’?

3. How about an orgy?

4. My God! You people are fat!

5. I sense an evil presence in this room.

6. So… let’s talk about the financial crisis.

7. I’ve got this weird rash on my bottom.

8. My farts smell like peanuts.

9. The ambassador’s parties were always a luxurious affair…

10.Who wants to touch me?

Read His Body Language

Read His Body Language

..as usual, they missed a few. Here are TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Read A Man's Body Language Tips:

1. He has an erection – he likes you.

2. He has an erection – he doesn’t like you, but he’s thinking about a girl he does like.

3. He’s kissing a monkey – he likes monkeys.

4. He holds his nose when he kisses you – you smell.

5. He stares at your breasts when he’s talking to you – he’s not gay.

6. He yawns when you talk – stop talking about shoes.

7. He’s sitting down – he’s drunk.

8. He’s lying down – he’s really drunk.

9. He’s asleep – he has finished drinking.

10. He looks like he’s concentrating when you speak to him – he’s trying not to fart.

Office Party Do's and Don'ts

Office Party Do's And Don'ts


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Office Party Do's and Don'ts:

1. Arrive wearing only cucumber slices.

2. Ask your boss if his wife is a man or a woman.

3. Tell everyone senior to you in the company that they will be killed when the revolution comes.

4. Bring a chimp to the party.

5. Sing.

6. Insist everyone calls you ‘Il Bandito’.

7. Ask people to sign you’re a*se.

8. Reply to everything people say to you by saying, ‘Yes, I see what you mean, but have you considered therapy?’

9. Take PCP.

10. Communicate only through Mime.

How To Deal With Workplace F*ckers

How to Deal with Workplace 'Frenemies'

What are 'Frenemies' I hear you all ask?

Well apparently, 'Frenemies' are people at work who pretend to be your friend but then screw you for their own advantage. I call these people 'F*ckers'.

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Ways of Dealing with Workplace F*ckers:

1. Plant a landmine in their office.

2. Pay a Voodoo Doctor to curse them.

3. Use a laser-beam to cut them in half (Do you expect me talk? No, Mr Frenemie! I expect you to die!)

4. Install a hidden piranha pit in front of your desk. Then tell the F*cker you want to see them in your office.

5. Have sex with their pets.

6. Create a fake Facebook profile for them with only pictures of S&M, Nazis and Michael Bolton on it.

7. Once a day, go into their office (when they're not there) and move something. Start with something very small like a pencil. Then each day move something larger - until one day they enter their office to find their desk on a totally different side of the room (The Mason Family used to do this).

8. At lunchtime, sneak into the F*ckers office and leave a whip, a set of handcuffs, some nipple clips, a prison guard uniform and Max Mosley. Then leave a message for your boss saying the f*cker urgently needs to see him / her in their office.

9. Tell Chuck Norris that your frenemie said his was not that hard and that Jean-Claude Van Damme could 'have him' in a fight. Then sit back and wait.

10. Whenever you see them start crying and say, 'I heard the news. I just want you to know - I think you're really brave!'. Then refuse to say anything more.


Finally, the Jean Claude Van Damme Website (for the ladies)

Top Ten Places Not To Have Sex

Ok. Death is not really a funny thing, but... when considering where to have sex, perhaps a railway track is not the best place?!

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Places Not To Have Sex

1. The Pope's house.

2. The roof of your house... in a blizzard.

3. At a Micheal Bolton Concert. Not because it's too public, but because the music is really really bad.

4. In the gorilla cage at your local zoo.

5. In a horror film. Think about it...

6. In a zero gravity environment.

7. During one of my English lessons... you should be learning English!!

8. On your boss' desk. ...when he's / she's trying to type an email.

9. On the back row at your local school, during your kid's Christmas play.

10. On the back of an elephant that's performing in a giant circus tent, lead by clowns and acrobats... ...and everyone you have ever met (including all friends, colleagues and family members) are in the audience. ...and the elephant is dressed as Osama Bin Laden.

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Might be Going the Wrong Way...

Woody Allen said, 'A relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.'

Is your relationship a dead shark? 'Ten Dating Red Flags' to help you decide.

Of course, they forgot to mention one or two:

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Dating Red Flags:

1. You find Voodoo-doll replicas of yourself in your partner's apartment.

2. Your partner refers to you as 'the fat stupid one'.

3. You know how you are going to kill your partner and you've started to shop for supplies.

4. For your partner's birthday, you buy them 'an all expenses paid vacation to the jungle region of north Columbia' and a 'I hate guerrilla fighters' T-Shirt.

5. When out on a date, both you and your partner prefer to talk to homeless people than to each other.

6. Your partner's Father makes a point of showing you his gun collection every time you go to his home.

7. In their office, your partner has a dartboard with your face printed on it.

8. For your birthday, your partner gives you a brochure for a cosmetic surgery clinic.

9. When your partner speaks, all you can hear is a bell tolling.

10. You have decided to sleep with a monkey - just to get your partner's attention.

Top Ten Signs Your Man Might Be Cheating...

Just how do you tell if your man is cheating on you?

Cosmopolitan has the answers.

Of course, they forgot to mention a few.

Girls, TobytheTeacher’s official Top Ten Signs Your Man Might Be Cheating:

1. You find him in bed with sixteen ‘Thai-lady-boys’.

2. When you’re having sex, he says things like, ‘Well that’s not how my other girlfriend does it.’

3. When you’re having sex he says things like, ‘Well that’s not how my boyfriend does it.’

4. He arrives at your apartment with a big bunch of red roses, a box of chocolates and a birthday card. When you explain to him that it’s not your birthday, he replies, ‘Oh sorry, wrong address.’

5. You arrive home to find him handcuffed to the bed, wearing a gimp suit and a cowboy hat. There’s a note stuck on the bedside table that reads ‘Out for some smokes, back in five.’

6. One night at dinner he asks you, ‘Is it you that likes ‘Sex in the City’ or is that my other girlfriend?’ (to which the answer is, you both love ‘Sex in the City’)

7. He arrives home to find you having tea in the back garden with your parents. As soon as he sees your father he starts pointing and screaming ‘Arhh! Zombie! Zombie!!’ After seeing the confused and shocked look on your face, he calms down and explains, ‘Sorry, wrong girlfriend.’

8. He starts saying things like, ‘Well… eh… I guess I better go now to… eh… rescue some… eh… children and… puppies from a… fire in a… shoe shop - I’ll rescue the shoes too.’

9. In the middle of an argument he exclaims, ‘God! You complain nearly as much as my other girlfriend!’

10. In the shower, he starts singing this song:


'Simultaneous'

Baby you know, you're the one for me
And all that I want to be is...

You and me... and her, simultaneous
You and me... and you and you, simultaneous
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous ooh, come on

Have an open mind, blow my trigger down
Gimme the last cold turkey blast, make it fast
Take my ass to town

Have an open mind, send my cares away
Ring my bell you fat piggy whale, what the hell Today's your lucky day

You and me... and her, simultaneous
You and me... and Wynona Rider, simultaneous
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous, ooh, come on

Have an open mind, is a normal thing to do
Don't be rude, just get nude
Oh, you're being rude, I would do it for you
Baby please have an open mind, you're the only one I love
These girls you see, baby they don't mean anything, let's all just get in the tub
You and me... and her too, simultaneous
You and me... and your momma and your sister
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous oww, come on

Everybody in the pool!

Have an open mind, don't be so mean to me
Call your sister and your mother and your aunt
It's every man's fantasy
Have an open... woa, baby, put that knife away
Don't be mad, I'll take you back, just relax, we can make love your way
I'm talking about

You and me... and some flowers and some wine, instantaneous
You and me... and Whitney Houston (on the radio, babe, on the radio)
Some candles and some good feelings
Just the two of us
Oh, fudge it
Now, I'm talking about

You and me... and her and her and her, simultaneous
You and me... and women in the house, simultaneous
Three and seven, make it a baker's dozen
See the ladies in the house clap your hands
Now that'd be a party, ladies

Top Ten Things Never To Do At A Wedding:

http://food.yahoo.com/blog/foxyfestivities/4998/10-things-to-never-do-at-a-wedding

...they forgot to mention the following:

1. Arriving at the Wedding dressed as a Jedi Knight.

2. Bringing a Monkey as your date.

3. Insisting that the DJ play the Dead Kennedys Song 'Too Drunk to F*ck' over and over again.

4. Sitting in the front row of the Church wearing a huge novelty Mexican hat.

5. Sit silently in one corner pretending to smoke a banana, refusing to accept that it is not a cigar.

6. Stand at the back of the Church shouting, 'Get to the cake cutting!' throughout the ceremony.

7. Break dance.

8. Label all the Wedding Presents 'Property of TobytheTeacher'.

9. When the Wedding Photographer tries to take your photo, scream, 'He's trying to take my soul!!!'.

10.Take bets on how long the marriage will last.