God Returns to F1

And lo on the twenty ninth day of the seventh month of the year two thousand and nine, did God announce his return to Formula One. The skies darkened to the colour of tyre rubber, and the seas turned red as his Ferrari car: Michael Schumacher is coming back to Formula One.

I am genuinely excited about and happy that Tricky Mickey is returning. I suspect that most people share my opinion. But there are two people who are probably not happy about it: Ferrari test drivers Marc Gene and Luca Badoer.

At this very moment, Marc and Luca are crying their little racing driver eyes out. Tears are rolling down their little racing driver faces. Their puffed up cheeks as red as the apocalyptic seas that heralded Sticky Mickey's return.

Hollywood Blockbuster Stories?

Does anyone remember a simpler time when Hollywood knew how to tell stories? Two of this summer's biggest blockbusters, Transformers 2 and Terminator Salvation were both spectacularly shot collections of exciting set pieces, strung together by an entirely random story structures.

Does Hollywood just write movies by rolling dice? Or perhaps throwing darts while blindfolded? Does this mean anybody could write a Hollywood blockbuster?


Bob works in an office (I don't know which one). One day his office explodes (I don't know why). On the way to hospital, the ambulance carrying Bob is hijacked by a Megan Fox (for no apparent reason). The ambulance jumps over a moving train, through a helicopter, before crashing into a river (because, why not?).

We think they're both dead, but Megan has her own submarine (yes she does). Then Megan takes a shower (it'll help sell the DVD). An ancient sea-dinosaur attacks the submarine (nothing expensive has happened for a while). But it's OK, because Megan's submarine is also a rocket ship (there's more than meets the eye). However, the sea-dinosaur can also fly (oh my god!). And now the entire - insert generic South American country name here - air force is after Megan and Bob (just because). But it's OK, because Bob works for the CIA (now it makes sense). And the entire American air force arrives to save them (cue gung-ho Michael Bay Pro-American masturbating).

Megan & Bob's submarine rocket ship crashes in a desert (it's topical). They have 'super slo-mo movie sex' (it'll help sell the DVD). Generic Arab terrorists arrive and capture them (topical). Megan & Bob are transported to a super-secret-underground-nuclear-reactor-death-ray-base (the death ray is in space, but the base is underground). The death ray is disguised as a Al Jazeera TV satellite (because the US networks will love it!). We won't call it 'Al Jazeera', we'll call it 'Al Jaz-zoo-roo' (so we don't get sued, but everybody'll know who we're talking about).

The terrorists captured Megan's father (a famous death-ray scientist), and forced him to build the base & satellite (emotional dynamic). Megan uses her super-kung-fu to free her father, while Bob is male, funny and useless (because that's feminism, isn't it?). But stereotypical-crazed Arab terrorist leader (who turns out to be a North Korean General in disguise, who then turns out to be a rich European investment banker in disguise, who turns out to be a former KJB agent in disguise, who turns out to be a Nazi) sets the base to self-destruct, which will start a chain reaction in all the middle Eastern oil (topical) and destroy the planet (maybe?).

Megan's father sacrifices himself (Bob! Take care of my little girl!) and blasts the base into space, destroying the Al Ja-Zoo-Roo death-ray satellite (cue reaaally expensive CGI sequence). As it rains pretty pretty fire balls down onto the desert, the sunsets and Megan & Bob kiss to a retro 70's middle of the road rock tune (that your Dad probably drives to).

Berlusconi & The Ancient Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia

Beloved Silvio is in trouble again, but this time it's not per say with escorts. This time he's in trouble with archaeologists.

But what would Silvio want with 30 ancient tombs? Has he run out of places to put his money? Or was he just trying to impress the girl he was talking to; and at the age of 72, run out of 'chat up lines'?

No. Few people realise it, but Silvio is actually an expert on ancient European history. And that is why he knows about 'The Legend of the Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia'.

Legend has it that only the most corrupt man in the world will be able to open the 30 tombs. But before he can open them, he must prove his corruption by a series of ancient trails:

First, he must betray his people. Second, he must betray his family. Third, he must betray his wife. Fourth, he must betray his principles. And finally, he must betray himself. It is in this final challenge, that Silvio is having problems.

Tony Blair, on the other hand, has no such difficulties. Tony just needs to betray his wife & family, and The 30 Ancient Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia will be his!

Live Tour de France

You can follow a live text description of the Tour de France here with the BBC.

But, excuse me, how interesting is that going to be?


1614 The cyclists are cycling through France. Everybody looks really French.

1619 All of the cyclists are on cycles. Each cycle has two wheels.

1623 The cyclists are cycling on a French road. The road is long and black.

1630 On both sides of the road, we can see the French countryside. It's green. Sometimes there are trees. Sometimes not.

1635 The cyclists are still cycling. This is an up hill stage, so they're going.. up.

1641 Some of the French supporters are carrying baguettes. None of the cyclists are.

1654 Many, if not all, of the cyclists are on some form of steroid.

1659 OH MY GOD! An alien space craft has abducted fifteen of the cyclists. The remaining cyclists were destroyed instantly by some kind of space-death-ray. There are flames and explosions everywhere! French people are running screaming, clutching their baguettes to protect them! Oh the humanity!

1701 Actually, I was just joking. The cyclists are still cycling. God I'm bored.

Harry Potter Marijuana

Have British Police discovered the true magic in Harry Potter? Harry Potter actor found guilty of growing marijuana.

But how would marijuana change the Harry Potter story?

The Sorting Hat: 'Dude, that crazy hat just talked me. He was like, Slytherin house. And I was like, no way! Gryffindor maaan! Gryffindor!'

The end of Harry Potter 1: 'I'm going to kill you Harry.' 'But dude, your head is in the back of another guy's head! That's wild! It's like, your head is his head and his head is your head.' 'Didn't hear me?! I'm going to kill you Harry Potter!' 'But wait, I have to explain this to you. Your head is his head. And his head is your head.'

Too many 'H's: 'Hagwarts works at Hogrid. No wait, Hogwarts works at Hagrid.' 'Harry! You're smoking waay too much of that stuff!' 'Harm-rooney, chill-lax!' 'My name is not Harm-rooney, Harry. And I will not chill-lax.' 'Harm-warts, it's like, totally harmless.' 'Hog-less?! I mean, harmless?! Harry, give me your stash.' 'Harm-moody, I don't have a tash! I'm a little asexual wizard boy!'

Fat Fashion

First the French and now the Italians, the young of Europe are becoming English! Milan enforce Teen Drinking ban.

But will this cultural homogenisation spread to other areas of Europe and their young people's behaviour? Will young Germans start fighting at football matches? Will the youth of Spain begin to consume nothing but fish n Chips?

And what of the young of Milan? How will their new high calorie habit effect the city's reputation? Will it be known as the 'Fat Fashion Capital of the World?' Will fat, drunken fashion models stagger their way down the catwalks of the city? Will the catwalks have to be reinforced to handle the extra weight?

And finally, how will this change at the fashion industry's heart effect the rest of the world? Will teenage girls binge on Big Macs and cry to their mothers about 'being too thin!!!'? Will celebrities take to the red carpets of the world, wearing clothes that accentuate their huge butts and thighs?

Has all that salad I've been eating & beer I've not been drinking been a complete waste of my time?!

Crazy Italian Wedding Bouquet Trick!

Is there any simple action that Italians can't make dramatic, theatrical and potentially dangerous? Bride's bouquet brings down plane.

Throwing the bouquet from a plane is one crazy, original way of doing it, but are there any others? What about a catapult? Or blasting it out of the barrel of a shotgun? The bouquet could be carried by a herd of lemmings. Single women could gather at the bottom of the cliff, dodging lemmings and waiting for the bouquet to fall.

You could place the bouquet on the hood of a Ferrari, accelerate the Ferrari to its top speed, driving directly at all the single women, and then, at the last moment, slam the brakes on, ejecting the bouquet at, around, 200kmphs towards the women, and, hopefully, the Ferrari would also stop in time and not kill all the women - perfetto!

Top Ten Body Language Mistakes

You can now preview my facebook page directly from this blog (just look to your right). Early this week on my facebook page, I linked to yahoo's Seven Common Body Language Mistakes.

As is often the case, I think they missed a few:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Body Language Mistakes

1. Making monkey faces at your colleagues & boss.

2. Doing the 'Y-M-C-A' during meetings.

3. Dramatically & theatrically smelling your own armpits at spontaneous moments throughout the day.

4. Walking 'in slow motion' from desk to desk, while making loud deep 'Hollywood' impact sounds as your feet make contact with the floor.

5. Always smiling, regardless of the situation.

6. Rubbing your colleagues knee caps.

7. Sit behind your desk with your hands in your pants.

8. Insist on only traveling in lifts / elevators standing on your head.

9. Cuddle the security guards.

10. Walk backwards.

Vatican Radio Adverts

Economic times are difficult for everyone: Even Vatican Radio are starting to run adverts. But does this mean The Pope will start endorsing products?

'Being Pope is a busy life. What with the blessings, masses and exorcisms, I hardly have time to think - let alone worry about my body odour! That's why I use Gillette deodorant. It's the best a Pope can get!'

The Mysterious Rover Collapse?

In the UK, The Serious Fraud Office is investigating the collapse of Rover. For those of you who don't know, Rover was the last 'mass-manufactured' car maker in the UK. And this is the second investigation into the collapse.

But what's the big mystery? The cars were rubbish! Hmmm... Why did Rover collapse? Was it connected to the Kennedy assassinations? No! The cars were rubbish! Were the CIA involved? Nope, rubbish cars. Did aliens manipulate the space-time-quantum? Eh, no. Cars. Rubbish.


Having said all that, I am a proud Rover driver. And when asked, why do I drive such a rubbish car? How do I reply? It's not rubbish. It's a classic. They don't make Rovers anymore, that's the definition of a classic.