A Natural Death for Jan Moir?

People of the World! Looking for an excuse to hate the English? Here's one: Jan Moir's hateful article about Stephan Gately's death.


We English get a lot of justifiable abuse about being a nation of football hooligans with rubbish food, but 'the middle English' seem to escape being stereotyped & abused by other nationalities.

Is it because they're so desperately polite when they come to your countries? Don't be fooled by it, they despise you every bit as much as the hooligan. You should hear the things they say about you, once they've returned to the safety of leafy suburbia. They provide the words for the hooligan's marching tune.

Those passively aggressive polite little village hate-mongers with their faux moralizing. And what do you get when you boil down all the twee suggestion and mock-polite innuendo? Their belief that England would be a lot better of if we were all white, christian, and heterosexual.

But if they're right (excuse the pun), why do they feel the need to disguise their message? Have you ever noticed how it's only the hateful that need to dress their beliefs up in fake polite & pseudo-moral tones? The good simply speak from the heart.


To finish, here's an excellent response to Jan's dross posted on the Enemies of Reason blog. A very good excuse for the people of the world to not hate the English: we do at least pick ourselves up on our sh*t.

*If you're on Facebook, you can register your complaint here.

The Great Silvio Berlusconi?

Forget Jesus, Capernicus was a nobody and Einstein did nothing special: Silvio Berlusconi, aka 'The Pimp of Sardinia', has declared himself inferior to no one in history.

But few people realise the true extent of Silvio's ambition. He is, quite simply, too big for Italy. As part of the Berlusconi media empire (Silvio bought my blog last year), I can exclusively reveal the next stage of his master plan:


In a similar guise to the Vatican City State, Silvio is going to declare the island of Sardinia his own country. He is yet to decide upon a name for his new country, but favourites include: 'Sil-dinia' and 'Berlusconi-Berg'.

Of course the island itself is far too small to contain Silvio's ego, and an extensive land development plan will begin soon. This will include building out into the sea to reshape the island into an exact scale replica of Silvio's own body.

This will make Silvio's body, along with the Great Wall of China, the only man made objects visible from space*.


*According to this article there are actually many things visible from space, but the joke doesn't work if I list them all.

Top Five Space Mission Odour No No's

Do you want to be a Chinese Astronaut? Not if you have bad breath and / or bad body odour: China search for odour free astronauts.

But bad breath and body odour are not the only things that could 'stink up' a space mission:


TobytheTeacher's Top Five Space Mission Odour No No's

1. Attempting to fart your country's national anthem.

2. Only bringing one pair of socks.

3. Bring a copy of the film 'Pearl Harbor' (because it stinks).

4. A wet dog.

5. French Cheese.

God Returns to F1

And lo on the twenty ninth day of the seventh month of the year two thousand and nine, did God announce his return to Formula One. The skies darkened to the colour of tyre rubber, and the seas turned red as his Ferrari car: Michael Schumacher is coming back to Formula One.

I am genuinely excited about and happy that Tricky Mickey is returning. I suspect that most people share my opinion. But there are two people who are probably not happy about it: Ferrari test drivers Marc Gene and Luca Badoer.

At this very moment, Marc and Luca are crying their little racing driver eyes out. Tears are rolling down their little racing driver faces. Their puffed up cheeks as red as the apocalyptic seas that heralded Sticky Mickey's return.

Berlusconi & The Ancient Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia

Beloved Silvio is in trouble again, but this time it's not per say with escorts. This time he's in trouble with archaeologists.

But what would Silvio want with 30 ancient tombs? Has he run out of places to put his money? Or was he just trying to impress the girl he was talking to; and at the age of 72, run out of 'chat up lines'?

No. Few people realise it, but Silvio is actually an expert on ancient European history. And that is why he knows about 'The Legend of the Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia'.

Legend has it that only the most corrupt man in the world will be able to open the 30 tombs. But before he can open them, he must prove his corruption by a series of ancient trails:

First, he must betray his people. Second, he must betray his family. Third, he must betray his wife. Fourth, he must betray his principles. And finally, he must betray himself. It is in this final challenge, that Silvio is having problems.

Tony Blair, on the other hand, has no such difficulties. Tony just needs to betray his wife & family, and The 30 Ancient Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia will be his!

Harry Potter Marijuana

Have British Police discovered the true magic in Harry Potter? Harry Potter actor found guilty of growing marijuana.

But how would marijuana change the Harry Potter story?

The Sorting Hat: 'Dude, that crazy hat just talked me. He was like, Slytherin house. And I was like, no way! Gryffindor maaan! Gryffindor!'

The end of Harry Potter 1: 'I'm going to kill you Harry.' 'But dude, your head is in the back of another guy's head! That's wild! It's like, your head is his head and his head is your head.' 'Didn't hear me?! I'm going to kill you Harry Potter!' 'But wait, I have to explain this to you. Your head is his head. And his head is your head.'

Too many 'H's: 'Hagwarts works at Hogrid. No wait, Hogwarts works at Hagrid.' 'Harry! You're smoking waay too much of that stuff!' 'Harm-rooney, chill-lax!' 'My name is not Harm-rooney, Harry. And I will not chill-lax.' 'Harm-warts, it's like, totally harmless.' 'Hog-less?! I mean, harmless?! Harry, give me your stash.' 'Harm-moody, I don't have a tash! I'm a little asexual wizard boy!'

Fat Fashion

First the French and now the Italians, the young of Europe are becoming English! Milan enforce Teen Drinking ban.

But will this cultural homogenisation spread to other areas of Europe and their young people's behaviour? Will young Germans start fighting at football matches? Will the youth of Spain begin to consume nothing but fish n Chips?

And what of the young of Milan? How will their new high calorie habit effect the city's reputation? Will it be known as the 'Fat Fashion Capital of the World?' Will fat, drunken fashion models stagger their way down the catwalks of the city? Will the catwalks have to be reinforced to handle the extra weight?

And finally, how will this change at the fashion industry's heart effect the rest of the world? Will teenage girls binge on Big Macs and cry to their mothers about 'being too thin!!!'? Will celebrities take to the red carpets of the world, wearing clothes that accentuate their huge butts and thighs?

Has all that salad I've been eating & beer I've not been drinking been a complete waste of my time?!

Crazy Italian Wedding Bouquet Trick!

Is there any simple action that Italians can't make dramatic, theatrical and potentially dangerous? Bride's bouquet brings down plane.

Throwing the bouquet from a plane is one crazy, original way of doing it, but are there any others? What about a catapult? Or blasting it out of the barrel of a shotgun? The bouquet could be carried by a herd of lemmings. Single women could gather at the bottom of the cliff, dodging lemmings and waiting for the bouquet to fall.

You could place the bouquet on the hood of a Ferrari, accelerate the Ferrari to its top speed, driving directly at all the single women, and then, at the last moment, slam the brakes on, ejecting the bouquet at, around, 200kmphs towards the women, and, hopefully, the Ferrari would also stop in time and not kill all the women - perfetto!

Vatican Radio Adverts

Economic times are difficult for everyone: Even Vatican Radio are starting to run adverts. But does this mean The Pope will start endorsing products?

'Being Pope is a busy life. What with the blessings, masses and exorcisms, I hardly have time to think - let alone worry about my body odour! That's why I use Gillette deodorant. It's the best a Pope can get!'

The Mysterious Rover Collapse?

In the UK, The Serious Fraud Office is investigating the collapse of Rover. For those of you who don't know, Rover was the last 'mass-manufactured' car maker in the UK. And this is the second investigation into the collapse.

But what's the big mystery? The cars were rubbish! Hmmm... Why did Rover collapse? Was it connected to the Kennedy assassinations? No! The cars were rubbish! Were the CIA involved? Nope, rubbish cars. Did aliens manipulate the space-time-quantum? Eh, no. Cars. Rubbish.


Having said all that, I am a proud Rover driver. And when asked, why do I drive such a rubbish car? How do I reply? It's not rubbish. It's a classic. They don't make Rovers anymore, that's the definition of a classic.

No More Drugs in Lux

There are no more drugs in Luxembourg! The Luxembourgish Police raided several locations around the country, and found massive (proportional to Luxembourg's size) quantities of drugs.

Not much is known about the Luxembourg drug scene, but it's controlled by 'Marc Le Grand Fromage Puant'. Marc is a midget of mixed Luxembourgish, Afghan, Hungarian origin.

At all times, Marc disguises himself by wearing a pink sombrero, black shades, green tuxedo, rainbow coloured flip-flops and a 'ZZ-Top style fake beard' that runs from his face to his feet.

To avoid 'wire taps' and other forms of Police surveillance, he communicates only through the medium of dance. And he refuses to ever wash his feet, as he considers it unlucky.

Marc controls 90% of the Luxembourg drug scene (the other 10% being controlled by two teenagers at the European School). This 90% sees an annual turnover of 157 euros.

Despite this massive income, Marc still lives with his Mum. His 'crib' (as Marc refers to it) can be found in her cellar at her home in Differdange.

Due to the relative 'safe' nature of Luxembourg's criminal world, Marc has never had to kill anyone. But he did hit someone in the eye once with a Bofferding beer mat. The person in question said that it 'stung really bad'.

Michael Jackson Has Died

Michael Jackson has died. I think I'll leave the accolades and the 'mud slinging' to those better suited to higher / lower tasks. Instead, let's go right back and let Michael's music from his early Jackson 5 days do the talking:

ABC

Michael: a buh-buh">buh-buh buh buh-buh

J5: a buh-buh buh buh-buh

Michael: you went to school to learn, girl
Things you never, never knew before...

Jermaine: like I before e except after c...

Michael: and why 2 plus 2 makes four
Now now now, Im gonna teach you...
J5: teach you, teach you

Michael: all about love, dear...
J5: all about love

Jermaine: sit yourself down, take a seat
All you gotta do is repeat after me.

Chorus:

J5: abc
Michael: easy as...
J5: 123
Michael: or simple as...
J5: do re mi
Michael: abc, 123, baby, you and me girl!
J5: abc
Michael: easy as...
J5: 123
Michael: or simple as...
J5: do re mi
Michael: abc, 123, baby, you and me!

Tito: come on, let me love you just a little bit!
Jackie: come on, let me love you just a little bit!
Jermaine: Im a going to teach how to sing it out!
Michael: come on, come one, come on
Let me show you what its all about!

Reading, writing and arithmetic
Are the branches of the learning tree

Jermaine: but without the roots of love every day, girl

Michael: your education aint complete
T-t-t-teachers gonna show you

J5: show you, show you

Michael: how to get an a!

J5: nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Michael: spell me you
J5: add the two!
Jermaine: listen to me baby, that's all you gotta do!

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
Michael: sit down, girl!
I think I love you!
No!
Get up, girl!
Show me what you can do!

Shake it, shake it, baby, come on now!
Shake it, shake it, baby, ooo oooh!
Shake it shake it, baby, huh!
Abc, baby, oo ooo!
123, baby, nah nah!
Do re mi, baby, huh!
That's how easy love can be.

J5: abc
Michael: abc, its easy

Easy as123
Its like counting up to 3
Or simple as do re mi
Sing a simple melody
All: that's how easy love can be!



Ben

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben


I Want You Back

Uh-huh huh huh huh
Let me tell ya now
Uh-huh

VERSE 1:
When I had you to myself
I didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you from the bunch
one glance was all it took
Now it's much too late for me to take a second look

CHORUS:
Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
Yes I do now
(I want you back)
Ooh ooh baby
(I want you back)
Ya ya ya ya
(I want you back)
Na na na na

VERSE 2:
Tryin' to live without your love
Is one long sleepless night
Let me show you girl
That I know wrong from right
Every street you walk on
I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the girl
I didn't even want around
Let me tell you now

CHORUS:
Oh baby all I need is one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back to your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms

Uh-huh
A buh buh buh buh (2 times)
All I want
A buh buh buh buh
All I need
A buh buh buh buh
All I want
A buh buh buh buh
All I need

(Jermaine):
Oh just one more chance
to show you that I love you
baby! (6 times)

(I want you back)
(Jackie):
Forget what happened then
(I want you back)
(Jermaine):
Let me live again

Oh baby I was blind to let you go
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
(Jackie):
Spare me of this cause
(Jermaine):
Gimme back what I lost

Oh baby I need one more chance ha
I tell ya that I love you

Grow Up Silvio

Dearest, darling Silvio Berlusconi has denied paying for sex. And let's face it, in Silvio's mind, Silvio is telling the truth. He didn't pay for sex.

He DID pay for beautiful girls to be flown to his villa. And, yes, he DID pay to feed and accommodate those beautiful girls. And, sure, he DID also pay for expensive gifts, such as jewelery and clothing, to give to those beautiful girls. And, ok, he DID 'pay' those beautiful girls with his political influence to help those beautiful girls with their lives. But that's NOT paying for sex, that's just being nice!

And would Silvio have been so nice to ugly, fat girls? No. But, naturally, you are nice to nice looking people.

And would Silvio have been so nice to those beautiful girls, if they hadn't had sex with him and his guests? No. But, naturally, you are only nice to people who are nice to you.

Silvio was being nice to the girls by giving them nice things, and the girls where being nice to Silvio by having sex with him and his guests.


After all, Silvio doesn't understand the attraction of paying for sex. As he says, 'I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest.'

And if that conquest includes flights, food & accommodation, expensive gifts, political favours, and Silvio's friends paying actual cash to those beautiful girls (but without Silvio's knowledge, but in direct return for political favours from Silvio), the conquest is all the sweeter!


But let's be clear: Silvio DID NOT directly pay any one of those beautiful girls for sex. Not one.

Silvio is telling the truth. Not in a 'Gospel' sense of the word. Not in a 'respectful to the Italian people' sense of the word. Not even in the 'dictionary definition' sense of the word. But in a sad, self-serving and probably self-deluded sense of the word.

Grow up Silvio. Tell the truth and take responsibility. At the age of 72, it's finally time to become a man.

Bird & Swine Flu Could Mix

People hold onto your Tic Tacs, scientists think bird flu could mix with swine flu. But wait! If bird flu and swine flu mix together, doesn't that mean birds and pigs could start mating? And that would mean... PIGS COULD FLY!

It's the harbinger of the apocalypse: Dogs & cats living together, tea bags falling the sky, Luxembourgish paperwork that actually makes sense, Michael Bolton songs on every radio channel, everybody drives a Rover, your mum looks like Tony Blair, the only food is mushy peas, Larry Hagman is president, Silvio Berlusconi is dating your teenage daughter, the world only speaks French, and everybody, every last person in the world, has the personality of Michael Schumacher.

Mafia Cry Baby

Mafia boss cries his way out of prison. I'm sorry, cries his way out of prison?! What happened to the horses' heads?! The offers they can't refuse?! The Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes?!

...How different 'The Godfather' might have been:


Louis' Italian-American Restaurant. Evening. Micheal Corleone, Sollozzo and Police Captain McCluskey are sat round a table.

MICHEAL: 'Look (sniff), what I want (swallows), what's most important to me (eyes start to tear up). Is that I have a guarantee (voice shakes with emotion) - No more attempts on my father's life! (breaks down in tears)'

(MICHEAL is face down on the table sobbing)

SOLLOZZO: '(Deep breath) What guarantees can I give you Mike? (Brings his hand to his mouth for a moment to hide his emotion) I'm the hunted one! (turns away, his eyes welling up with tears) I missed my chance! (bursts into tears. Begins to sob uncontrollably)

MCCLUSKEY: (Pats SOLLOZZO on the shoulder) 'There there Sollozzo, you crazy knife wielding Mafioso bad guy, there's always going to be another chance.'

SOLLOZZO: (Looks up at MCCLUSKEY with hope in his tear filled eyes) 'Really?'

MICHEAL: (Slams the table with his fists like a child) 'No more attempts on my Daddy's life!' (Collapses again. Face down on the table. Sobbing.)

MCCLUSKEY: (Puts his other arm around MICHEAL) 'Hey Mikey! It's not so bad! If your father dies, you would become boss of the family!'

MICHEAL: (Head still in his heads) 'But Sonny's older than me! (Cries a lot more) It's not faaaaair!!!'

MCCLUSKY: 'Don't worry about Sonny. They're gonna shoot him on the causeway.'

MICHEAL: (Looks up at MCCLUSKEY with hope in his tear filled eyes) 'Really?'

Skoda Vs Lada Tour

The Skoda Tour of Luxembourg has begun. The skoda is the perfect car to tour Luxembourg, because it's so slow. It makes the country seem bigger.

That joke would have been so much funnier if Skodas still looked like this:




Of course the first Tour of Luxembourg was not done by Skodas, it was done by Ladas:




The tour began on June 14th 1984 and still hasn't finished yet. The Ladas set off from 'Avenue de la Gare' one bright summer's morning and are currently making their way to Grevenmacher, having covered a grand total of 21kms in just under 25 years.

It's the single most impressive speed related performance in the history of the Lada.

The Toblerone Cuckoo Clock

Uh oh! People haven't been buying enough Toblerones and Cuckoo Clocks: Switerland goes into recession.

The Swiss need to get creative: The Toblerone Cuckoo Clock.

A clock that on the hour, a pair of little doors open, and a stick of Toblerone is projected out and then back in, and then out, and back in. All in time to the magical sound of the Cuckoo.

Children would wait patiently for the hour to arrive. Their mouths open. Their eyes shut (to increase the excitement). The hour would strike. The Cuckoo sound. The little doors spring out. The child's mouth open wide. And bam! The Toblerone stabs the child right in the eye!

Hours of fun.

UK's Hottest Day: 12c!

The UK has seen its warmest day this year. Temperatures of up to 12C had Britons outside their homes, offices and indoor shopping centres for, in many cases, the first time in years.

It wasn't all good news though: many elderly Britons suffered heat exhaustion from the unusually warm rain that fell throughout the day. And some of the most puritanical Britons ran panicked in the streets, claiming that the 'ungodly temperature of 12C' heralded the apocalypse, as only the devil could cause it to become that warm.

However most of the population made the best of blistering 12C. Across the country people enjoyed the traditional British summer sports of cricket, beer drinking, public urination and fighting*.

*Fighting is, of course, an all year round sport in Britain. But in the summer, it involves much sunburn slapping.

British Political Lies Vs Italian Political Lies

Ah, the contrasting politics of Europe: In Britain an MP is in trouble for claiming a £5 donation as expenses; whereas in Italy, dearest Silvio has managed to block the release of photos of topless girls at his New Years party.

British politics are so boring. Our politicians can't even get away with trying to claim back £5! Silvo's living like rockstar! We used to have an Empire! What happened to our capacity for corruption?


But there is one British politician who even Silvio can not compete with:

In Mexico he is simply known as, 'El Bandito del Sonrisa Gato'. The Native Americans call him 'He who speaks with the sincerity of snakes'. In ancient Babylonian scripture his coming is foretold as 'The Great Tide of Bullsh*t'.

I speak of no other than the crowned prince of shiftiness: Tony Blair. Let's remind ourselves of one of his greatest lies.


Ah Silvio, you gifted, funny amateur. Will you ever learn to lie with that much sincerity?

Toxic Personalities

Yahoo is back with 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid. I want to be sarcastic about this, but I can't! I agree with all of them.


Of course there is one toxic personality in particular, not mentioned on the list, that we should all avoid:



But Kim Jong Il's recent nuclear developments may make him hard to avoid. The BBC is here with an interesting breakdown of the situation.

With the world going the way it is, there's all the more reason to avoid the 8 types people listed above.