Hollywood Blockbuster Stories?

Does anyone remember a simpler time when Hollywood knew how to tell stories? Two of this summer's biggest blockbusters, Transformers 2 and Terminator Salvation were both spectacularly shot collections of exciting set pieces, strung together by an entirely random story structures.

Does Hollywood just write movies by rolling dice? Or perhaps throwing darts while blindfolded? Does this mean anybody could write a Hollywood blockbuster?


Bob works in an office (I don't know which one). One day his office explodes (I don't know why). On the way to hospital, the ambulance carrying Bob is hijacked by a Megan Fox (for no apparent reason). The ambulance jumps over a moving train, through a helicopter, before crashing into a river (because, why not?).

We think they're both dead, but Megan has her own submarine (yes she does). Then Megan takes a shower (it'll help sell the DVD). An ancient sea-dinosaur attacks the submarine (nothing expensive has happened for a while). But it's OK, because Megan's submarine is also a rocket ship (there's more than meets the eye). However, the sea-dinosaur can also fly (oh my god!). And now the entire - insert generic South American country name here - air force is after Megan and Bob (just because). But it's OK, because Bob works for the CIA (now it makes sense). And the entire American air force arrives to save them (cue gung-ho Michael Bay Pro-American masturbating).

Megan & Bob's submarine rocket ship crashes in a desert (it's topical). They have 'super slo-mo movie sex' (it'll help sell the DVD). Generic Arab terrorists arrive and capture them (topical). Megan & Bob are transported to a super-secret-underground-nuclear-reactor-death-ray-base (the death ray is in space, but the base is underground). The death ray is disguised as a Al Jazeera TV satellite (because the US networks will love it!). We won't call it 'Al Jazeera', we'll call it 'Al Jaz-zoo-roo' (so we don't get sued, but everybody'll know who we're talking about).

The terrorists captured Megan's father (a famous death-ray scientist), and forced him to build the base & satellite (emotional dynamic). Megan uses her super-kung-fu to free her father, while Bob is male, funny and useless (because that's feminism, isn't it?). But stereotypical-crazed Arab terrorist leader (who turns out to be a North Korean General in disguise, who then turns out to be a rich European investment banker in disguise, who turns out to be a former KJB agent in disguise, who turns out to be a Nazi) sets the base to self-destruct, which will start a chain reaction in all the middle Eastern oil (topical) and destroy the planet (maybe?).

Megan's father sacrifices himself (Bob! Take care of my little girl!) and blasts the base into space, destroying the Al Ja-Zoo-Roo death-ray satellite (cue reaaally expensive CGI sequence). As it rains pretty pretty fire balls down onto the desert, the sunsets and Megan & Bob kiss to a retro 70's middle of the road rock tune (that your Dad probably drives to).