The Swiss region of Appenzell has said 'non / nein / no' (whatever they speak) to Naked Hiking!
I'm confused. If they're naked, where do they hang their Toblerone?
Irregular Verbs
16 years ago
Monday, 27 April 2009
Friday, 24 April 2009
Treatment for Heterosexuals?
Apparently, they can cure gay. But I'm not sure they're thinking about this clearly. We all know they're too many people on this planet. Maybe gay is an evolutionary imperative?
I think we need a Heterosexual Treatment:
Step 1. An intensive course of Elton John CDs.
Step 2. Patients will be forced to watch 'the volleyball scene from Top Gun' 1,000 times.
Step 3. Patients will only be able to drink Pina Coladas.
Step 4. Patients will be taught the benefits of moisturising cream, having a hair style and the importance of shoes.
Step 5. Accessorizing.
I think we need a Heterosexual Treatment:
Step 1. An intensive course of Elton John CDs.
Step 2. Patients will be forced to watch 'the volleyball scene from Top Gun' 1,000 times.
Step 3. Patients will only be able to drink Pina Coladas.
Step 4. Patients will be taught the benefits of moisturising cream, having a hair style and the importance of shoes.
Step 5. Accessorizing.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Predictions for 2050
Now that the world has no economy, economists have nothing to do. So they've taken to predicting the future: What the World Will Look Like by 2050
I don't know about you, but those predictions scared me! But what about these:
TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Predictions for 2050
1. People will continue to be stupid.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger will have been American President at least once.
3. The Simpsons will still be on TV (there's nothing any of us can do about it).
4. Women will continue to freak out about their weight and obsess about shoes.
5. Increasingly, men will also freak out about their weight and accessorising for men will no longer be considered 'gay'.
6. Politics as we know it will cease to exist and, instead, we will all become shareholders in one or more massive corporations (this will be sold to us as the ultimate form of democracy, whereas it is, in fact the ultimate form of slavery).
7. Electronic money will be the only form of currency, thereby bonding us to the corporate capitalist system totally.
8. Science will allow women to have children on their own. This will eliminate the need for men, with the exception of for pleasure and heavy lifting. Men will therefore become no more than glorified boy-toys or donkeys, spending all their time at the gym or carrying large amounts of shoes (David Beckham is a prototype of this social model).
9. The French will continue to hate the Americans, but love TV shows like 'House' and 'Lost'. They will also continue to see no contradiction in these two attitudes.
10. All over the world, children will sit in classrooms, their eyes filled with hope, and their desks: Tobytheteacher Text Books. Stay tuned...
I don't know about you, but those predictions scared me! But what about these:
TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Predictions for 2050
1. People will continue to be stupid.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger will have been American President at least once.
3. The Simpsons will still be on TV (there's nothing any of us can do about it).
4. Women will continue to freak out about their weight and obsess about shoes.
5. Increasingly, men will also freak out about their weight and accessorising for men will no longer be considered 'gay'.
6. Politics as we know it will cease to exist and, instead, we will all become shareholders in one or more massive corporations (this will be sold to us as the ultimate form of democracy, whereas it is, in fact the ultimate form of slavery).
7. Electronic money will be the only form of currency, thereby bonding us to the corporate capitalist system totally.
8. Science will allow women to have children on their own. This will eliminate the need for men, with the exception of for pleasure and heavy lifting. Men will therefore become no more than glorified boy-toys or donkeys, spending all their time at the gym or carrying large amounts of shoes (David Beckham is a prototype of this social model).
9. The French will continue to hate the Americans, but love TV shows like 'House' and 'Lost'. They will also continue to see no contradiction in these two attitudes.
10. All over the world, children will sit in classrooms, their eyes filled with hope, and their desks: Tobytheteacher Text Books. Stay tuned...
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Interview Tips
Yahoo is back with some 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips'. Once again, I think they've missed some:
TobytheTeacher's Top Ten 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips':
1. When asked your name, reply grimily, 'I'm Batman'.
2. Insist on calling the interviewer 'Mr Bumhead' regardless of gender.
3. Ask the interviewer to switch places with you, because the current sitting-arrangement is effecting your 'chi'.
4. Begin all of your replies with, 'Well, in the words of William Shatner...'
5. Interrupt the interview half way through by suddenly whispering to the interviewer, 'Don't move - I have to draw you.'
6. Use a Ouija Board to answer all the questions.
7. Eat.
8. Stare slightly to the interviewer's left throughout the interview.
9. Make 'fish faces' at the interviewer whenever they're speaking.
10.At the end of the interview, insist on kissing the interviewer's feet.
TobytheTeacher's Top Ten 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips':
1. When asked your name, reply grimily, 'I'm Batman'.
2. Insist on calling the interviewer 'Mr Bumhead' regardless of gender.
3. Ask the interviewer to switch places with you, because the current sitting-arrangement is effecting your 'chi'.
4. Begin all of your replies with, 'Well, in the words of William Shatner...'
5. Interrupt the interview half way through by suddenly whispering to the interviewer, 'Don't move - I have to draw you.'
6. Use a Ouija Board to answer all the questions.
7. Eat.
8. Stare slightly to the interviewer's left throughout the interview.
9. Make 'fish faces' at the interviewer whenever they're speaking.
10.At the end of the interview, insist on kissing the interviewer's feet.
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
Strange Laws
The Americans have found some strange laws from around the world:
No feeding the pigeons in Venice, no walking along the side of the Autobahn in Germany and no kissing at train stations in England.
I don't think those laws are so strange:
Pigeons are disgusting flying rats, we shouldn't feed them. Driving with those speed-crazy Germans is scary enough, who would want to walk near them? And we all know that public displays of affection are too much for the English, ever since Queen Victoria banned all emotional from the Empire.
If the Americans wanted to talk about strange foreign laws, they should have looked at Luxembourg:
No honking your horn. No washing your car on a Sunday. And no making noise ever, under any circumstances:
It doesn't matter how stupid the maneuver by the other driver. They could break suddenly on main road. Then, without indication, turn off onto a smaller road (you'd been clearly indicating for) only to reverse mysteriously for a few moments, before stopping completely (again without warning) in the middle of the road to set up a goat farm.
And on the seventh day God washed his car. No he didn't! And neither should you! But it makes no sense because he's God. He's everywhere. He doesn't need a car. What's he going to do? Get in the car to drive to another part of himself? That's madness. But we need to get places! We're not everywhere! We're not omnipotent non-corporal beings! We need cars! And they need to be clean!
If your office is on fire, you have to walk outside calmly (don't run, because that would create noise) and gently whisper, 'Fire. Fire. I'm sorry for the noise, but there's a fire.'
No feeding the pigeons in Venice, no walking along the side of the Autobahn in Germany and no kissing at train stations in England.
I don't think those laws are so strange:
Pigeons are disgusting flying rats, we shouldn't feed them. Driving with those speed-crazy Germans is scary enough, who would want to walk near them? And we all know that public displays of affection are too much for the English, ever since Queen Victoria banned all emotional from the Empire.
If the Americans wanted to talk about strange foreign laws, they should have looked at Luxembourg:
No honking your horn. No washing your car on a Sunday. And no making noise ever, under any circumstances:
It doesn't matter how stupid the maneuver by the other driver. They could break suddenly on main road. Then, without indication, turn off onto a smaller road (you'd been clearly indicating for) only to reverse mysteriously for a few moments, before stopping completely (again without warning) in the middle of the road to set up a goat farm.
And on the seventh day God washed his car. No he didn't! And neither should you! But it makes no sense because he's God. He's everywhere. He doesn't need a car. What's he going to do? Get in the car to drive to another part of himself? That's madness. But we need to get places! We're not everywhere! We're not omnipotent non-corporal beings! We need cars! And they need to be clean!
If your office is on fire, you have to walk outside calmly (don't run, because that would create noise) and gently whisper, 'Fire. Fire. I'm sorry for the noise, but there's a fire.'
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Trapped in the Closet
They say, 'See Venice before you die.' But in my opinion, you should really see R Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet' before you die.
Words can not properly describe R Kelly's R&B soap opera opus. It may be the most stupid thing I have ever seen in my life and yet, you can not stop watching it once you start.
This is much is true, however, once you have seen R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, your world will never be quite the same.
Youtube have kindly provided Episode 1 here.
And to achieve the full R Kelly experience, here are the lyrics (R Kelly may be the first human being to rhyme the word 'dresser' with 'Beretta'):
(CHAPTER 1)
Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you
Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long
Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs
“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some sh*t is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Sh*t think, sh*t think, sh*t quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy a*s up out this house
Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
Walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar
Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the f*ck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”
He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “B*tch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…
Words can not properly describe R Kelly's R&B soap opera opus. It may be the most stupid thing I have ever seen in my life and yet, you can not stop watching it once you start.
This is much is true, however, once you have seen R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, your world will never be quite the same.
Youtube have kindly provided Episode 1 here.
And to achieve the full R Kelly experience, here are the lyrics (R Kelly may be the first human being to rhyme the word 'dresser' with 'Beretta'):
(CHAPTER 1)
Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you
Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long
Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs
“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some sh*t is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Sh*t think, sh*t think, sh*t quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy a*s up out this house
Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
Walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar
Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the f*ck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”
He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “B*tch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Security Rover
President Obama arrived in the UK with massive security entourage and limo specially designed for safety and defense.
I have a similar set-up for here in Luxembourg:
My car is equipped with extra comfy seats, so I don't get irritated stuck behind slow moving locals and old people.
My car is also big enough so that I don't get intimidated by fast moving investment bankers, convinced by their own sense of total superiority.
The unique 'style' of my Rover allows me to effortlessly demonstrate* my Englishness at all times to you continental European types.
My CD changer is fully stocked with The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and The Who, so that I can instantly balance any foreign influence to regain my delicate Anglo-Saxon sensibilities.
A sophisticated air conditioning system maintains a constant 'English climate' within my car, never allowing it to be too hot or too cold.
And in the glove compartment, I keep a can of Tetleys and a packet of salt & vinegar crisps in case I need to take away the taste of any 'European food'.
*Technically in English, you shouldn't 'split an infinitive' (separate the 'to' from 'demonstrate'). However, the sentence is funnier written this way.
I have a similar set-up for here in Luxembourg:
My car is equipped with extra comfy seats, so I don't get irritated stuck behind slow moving locals and old people.
My car is also big enough so that I don't get intimidated by fast moving investment bankers, convinced by their own sense of total superiority.
The unique 'style' of my Rover allows me to effortlessly demonstrate* my Englishness at all times to you continental European types.
My CD changer is fully stocked with The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and The Who, so that I can instantly balance any foreign influence to regain my delicate Anglo-Saxon sensibilities.
A sophisticated air conditioning system maintains a constant 'English climate' within my car, never allowing it to be too hot or too cold.
And in the glove compartment, I keep a can of Tetleys and a packet of salt & vinegar crisps in case I need to take away the taste of any 'European food'.
*Technically in English, you shouldn't 'split an infinitive' (separate the 'to' from 'demonstrate'). However, the sentence is funnier written this way.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Shopping Syndrome
In an attempt to demonstrate that this blog is for everyone, apparently woman might have a medical excuse for shopping sprees.
Is there anything woman can't blame on their time of the month? It's like a monthly 'get out of jail free card' for all forms of unusual behaviour or extreme emotional reactions.
If I was a woman, I'd be tempted to take advantage:
Your colleague borrows your calculator without asking, so you staple his tie to the desk (while he's still wearing it) - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'
You drive your car into the supermarket, as it's easier to do your shopping that way - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'
You place voodoo curses on all of your colleagues for not doing things exactly the way the wanted them to be - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'
Is there anything woman can't blame on their time of the month? It's like a monthly 'get out of jail free card' for all forms of unusual behaviour or extreme emotional reactions.
If I was a woman, I'd be tempted to take advantage:
Your colleague borrows your calculator without asking, so you staple his tie to the desk (while he's still wearing it) - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'
You drive your car into the supermarket, as it's easier to do your shopping that way - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'
You place voodoo curses on all of your colleagues for not doing things exactly the way the wanted them to be - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'
Sunday, 29 March 2009
English Sporting Success?!
What is going on?!
The English? Successful in sporting events?!
England 4 Slovakia 0
But it's only a friendly I hear you all cry! Yes, but it wasn't so long ago that we were dragging 1 - 0 victories and 0 - 0 draws out of those sorts of games.
And: Button wins the Australian Grand Prix
I'm particularly pleased by this as I could never get into the whole supporting Lewis Hamilton thing, given that he is not actually human and was, in fact, developed in a McLaren lab.
The English? Successful in sporting events?!
England 4 Slovakia 0
But it's only a friendly I hear you all cry! Yes, but it wasn't so long ago that we were dragging 1 - 0 victories and 0 - 0 draws out of those sorts of games.
And: Button wins the Australian Grand Prix
I'm particularly pleased by this as I could never get into the whole supporting Lewis Hamilton thing, given that he is not actually human and was, in fact, developed in a McLaren lab.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Madonna Thinks?
Madonna has been urged to rethink her decision to adopt a second African child.
To 'rethink' doesn't one first have to 'think'. Does Madonna think?
Madonna has always struck me as one of those people who doesn't know what she wants, but she does know how to get it.
But there is no doubting the impact she's had on contempory western culture. The song that started it all: Like a Virgin, but a slightly different version.
Los Lyricas del Virginos:
I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was until I found you
I was beat incomplete, I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new
Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine
Gonna give you all my love, boy, my fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you 'cause only love can last
You're so fine and you're mine, make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold
Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine
To 'rethink' doesn't one first have to 'think'. Does Madonna think?
Madonna has always struck me as one of those people who doesn't know what she wants, but she does know how to get it.
But there is no doubting the impact she's had on contempory western culture. The song that started it all: Like a Virgin, but a slightly different version.
Los Lyricas del Virginos:
I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was until I found you
I was beat incomplete, I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new
Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine
Gonna give you all my love, boy, my fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you 'cause only love can last
You're so fine and you're mine, make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold
Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Stupid English
Ah, the English: Shakespeare, Dickens, The Beatles. What culture! What creativity! What intelligence! Not really:
Man follows SATNAV to cliff edge
What has happened to my nation!? Oh well, at least we still have our sense of humour:
Son Paints 60ft Penis on Parents' Roof
hihi.
Man follows SATNAV to cliff edge
What has happened to my nation!? Oh well, at least we still have our sense of humour:
Son Paints 60ft Penis on Parents' Roof
hihi.
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Battlestar Galactica
I don't usually do this.
In my opinion, recommending your favourite film, food or music to someone is like recommending a lover. Just strange. We all have our own tastes. And they're buried so deep inside us, there's little external influence can do it change them.
Having said all that, my favourite TV show Battlestar Galactica came to an end this weekend. The storyline is far too complex to try to express in a condensed form, but I'd like to talk about what I think the TV show is all about.
Battlestar Galactica is about faith. It's about the things you choose to believe in, and the consequences of that choice.
Each of the characters puts their faith in something, be it religion or science, democracy or the military, friendship or family. In short, each of the characters chooses to love something. Then each are put into conflict, with themselves and with those around them, because of what they love.
If you see past the cylons and the jump drives, you'll see a TV show that talked about war and terrorism from both sides, that demonstrated the arrogance and solace that can be found in both science and religion. A TV show whose characters lost only to live on. A TV show that never offered easy answers, but consistently pushed itself to ask the hard questions.
I've been a fan of science fiction my whole life, and it is, for the most part, a vastly stupid genre. Finally science fiction fans have a TV show they can put alone side the likes of 'The Wire' and 'The Sopranos' (And unlike 'The Sopranos', Battlestar Galactica actually ended). Finally, science fiction fans have a TV show they can recommend to other people.
Thank you Battlestar Galactica, it was one hell of a frakkin' journey!
In my opinion, recommending your favourite film, food or music to someone is like recommending a lover. Just strange. We all have our own tastes. And they're buried so deep inside us, there's little external influence can do it change them.
Having said all that, my favourite TV show Battlestar Galactica came to an end this weekend. The storyline is far too complex to try to express in a condensed form, but I'd like to talk about what I think the TV show is all about.
Battlestar Galactica is about faith. It's about the things you choose to believe in, and the consequences of that choice.
Each of the characters puts their faith in something, be it religion or science, democracy or the military, friendship or family. In short, each of the characters chooses to love something. Then each are put into conflict, with themselves and with those around them, because of what they love.
If you see past the cylons and the jump drives, you'll see a TV show that talked about war and terrorism from both sides, that demonstrated the arrogance and solace that can be found in both science and religion. A TV show whose characters lost only to live on. A TV show that never offered easy answers, but consistently pushed itself to ask the hard questions.
I've been a fan of science fiction my whole life, and it is, for the most part, a vastly stupid genre. Finally science fiction fans have a TV show they can put alone side the likes of 'The Wire' and 'The Sopranos' (And unlike 'The Sopranos', Battlestar Galactica actually ended). Finally, science fiction fans have a TV show they can recommend to other people.
Thank you Battlestar Galactica, it was one hell of a frakkin' journey!
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Protection Francais!
Ah! Zi French are protecting again z'ere industries français.
As if you need protectionism! We didn't protect our car industry in the UK and
now
we
have
no
car
industry.
Oh.
Bugger.
- Maybe the French have point?
But what else will they protect? Obviously the cheese. But what other things are essential to French Cultural Identity?
Smoking?
Being sarcastic?
Riding a bicycle, wearing a striped T-Shirt, a berry on your head, with onions round your neck?
As if you need protectionism! We didn't protect our car industry in the UK and
now
we
have
no
car
industry.
Oh.
Bugger.
- Maybe the French have point?
But what else will they protect? Obviously the cheese. But what other things are essential to French Cultural Identity?
Smoking?
Being sarcastic?
Riding a bicycle, wearing a striped T-Shirt, a berry on your head, with onions round your neck?
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Language CDs are Stupid
I've just listened to the instructions of a 'Learn Italian CD':
‘We do not recommend doing the reading portion if you are doing this programme in your car.’
- really?! Well, I was going to… but since you don’t recommend it.
Are there really people that need to be told that? And why is it only a 'recommendation'?
Could I do it if I was reaaaally careful? You know, not in heavy traffic, for example.
Speaking of stupid, what about the sentences we learn in foreign languages as beginners:
'The dog is under the table.'
When are you ever going to say that?
- On a holiday to England, you visit a friend's home:
You: 'Hi!'
Your friend: 'Hello! Nice to see you.'
You: 'Nice to see you too. Your home is lovely.'
Your friend: 'Thank you! That's very kind of you to say s-'
You: 'OH MY GOD! THE DOG IS UNDER THE TABLE!'
Your friend: 'SWEET JESUS! HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE?!'
You: 'WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DOOOO?!'
Your friend: 'DO HAVE ANY DOG BISCUITS?'
You: 'NO! DEAR GOD! I DIDN'T THINK!'
Your friend: 'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!'
You: 'BUT I BLAME MYSELF!'
Your friend: 'IT'S OK! I THINK WE HAVE SOME IN THE KITCHEN!'
You: 'THANK THE BABY JESUS!'
‘We do not recommend doing the reading portion if you are doing this programme in your car.’
- really?! Well, I was going to… but since you don’t recommend it.
Are there really people that need to be told that? And why is it only a 'recommendation'?
Could I do it if I was reaaaally careful? You know, not in heavy traffic, for example.
Speaking of stupid, what about the sentences we learn in foreign languages as beginners:
'The dog is under the table.'
When are you ever going to say that?
- On a holiday to England, you visit a friend's home:
You: 'Hi!'
Your friend: 'Hello! Nice to see you.'
You: 'Nice to see you too. Your home is lovely.'
Your friend: 'Thank you! That's very kind of you to say s-'
You: 'OH MY GOD! THE DOG IS UNDER THE TABLE!'
Your friend: 'SWEET JESUS! HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE?!'
You: 'WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DOOOO?!'
Your friend: 'DO HAVE ANY DOG BISCUITS?'
You: 'NO! DEAR GOD! I DIDN'T THINK!'
Your friend: 'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!'
You: 'BUT I BLAME MYSELF!'
Your friend: 'IT'S OK! I THINK WE HAVE SOME IN THE KITCHEN!'
You: 'THANK THE BABY JESUS!'
Sunday, 15 March 2009
Winky Faces and Status Messages
'Toby is feeling sardonic.'
I just wrote that on my facebook status message. Apparently, status messages are the new email.
I do like the idea of casting my inner thoughts and feelings out into the darkness. A modern day 'message in a bottle'.
I'm a particular fan of the 'willfully ambiguous' status message. It's not one I use myself so much, but I've noticed it's a big favourite with girls.
'Tracy can not believe what just happened...'
- to which her facebook buddies hurriedly comment:
'What's wrong hun?!'
- to which Tracy replies:
'Oh nothing. I just dropped my coffee ;)'
The winky face - ;) - is one of my favourite typological developments. You can say anything you like, as long as you follow it with a winky face:
'You're fat and you're stupid! ;)'
'One day I will stand over your corpse and laugh! ;)'
'I would not spit on you if you were on fire! ;)'
Here's a song that needs a winky face: Archive's 'F*ck U'
*It's a youtube link, as deezer is acting up.
Los Lyricos Disgustos:
There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won't ever meet I remember your name
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
You are scum, you are scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can, so f*ck you anyway
Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
Makes me sick when I hear all the sh*t that you say
So much cr*p coming out it must take you all day
There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the f*ck are you looking at me
Why the f*ck why the f*ck are you looking at me
(Repeat x 4)
There's a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up 'cos I find you obscene
We can't wait for the day that you're never around
When that face isn't here and you rot underground
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
So f*ck you anyway (Repeat x 11)
;)
I just wrote that on my facebook status message. Apparently, status messages are the new email.
I do like the idea of casting my inner thoughts and feelings out into the darkness. A modern day 'message in a bottle'.
I'm a particular fan of the 'willfully ambiguous' status message. It's not one I use myself so much, but I've noticed it's a big favourite with girls.
'Tracy can not believe what just happened...'
- to which her facebook buddies hurriedly comment:
'What's wrong hun?!'
- to which Tracy replies:
'Oh nothing. I just dropped my coffee ;)'
The winky face - ;) - is one of my favourite typological developments. You can say anything you like, as long as you follow it with a winky face:
'You're fat and you're stupid! ;)'
'One day I will stand over your corpse and laugh! ;)'
'I would not spit on you if you were on fire! ;)'
Here's a song that needs a winky face: Archive's 'F*ck U'
*It's a youtube link, as deezer is acting up.
Los Lyricos Disgustos:
There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won't ever meet I remember your name
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
You are scum, you are scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can, so f*ck you anyway
Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
Makes me sick when I hear all the sh*t that you say
So much cr*p coming out it must take you all day
There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the f*ck are you looking at me
Why the f*ck why the f*ck are you looking at me
(Repeat x 4)
There's a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up 'cos I find you obscene
We can't wait for the day that you're never around
When that face isn't here and you rot underground
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
So f*ck you anyway (Repeat x 11)
;)
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
First Date No No's
Yahoo is back with another 'how to be generic and popular' link:
This time, First Date Deal Breakers.
Personally, I think they've missed a few:
TobytheTeacher's Top Ten First Date No No's
1. Insist that the girl calls you ‘Mr Big’ at all times.
2. Lick clean her plate after she has finished eating.
3. Profess your love of small, cute animals when used as target practice for your AK.
4. Introduce her to your right hand by referring to it as ‘your other lover’.
5. Tell her about the time you nearly died of stomach flu.
6. Explain to her, in great detail, why all of her favourite films are rubbish, and why she should really love the films of Sergio Leone (I’ve actually done this one).
7. Tell her she can only speak to you at half time.
8. Eat with your feet.
9. Say things like, ‘So, what does your Mum look like? I only ask ‘cos I wanna know what I’m in for.’
10. Dress like The Pope.
This time, First Date Deal Breakers.
Personally, I think they've missed a few:
TobytheTeacher's Top Ten First Date No No's
1. Insist that the girl calls you ‘Mr Big’ at all times.
2. Lick clean her plate after she has finished eating.
3. Profess your love of small, cute animals when used as target practice for your AK.
4. Introduce her to your right hand by referring to it as ‘your other lover’.
5. Tell her about the time you nearly died of stomach flu.
6. Explain to her, in great detail, why all of her favourite films are rubbish, and why she should really love the films of Sergio Leone (I’ve actually done this one).
7. Tell her she can only speak to you at half time.
8. Eat with your feet.
9. Say things like, ‘So, what does your Mum look like? I only ask ‘cos I wanna know what I’m in for.’
10. Dress like The Pope.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Violent Tennis and Football Insults
Tennis and Sweden have both long been associated with violence, and the Israel Vs Sweden Davis Cup Match was no exception.
Meanwhile in the traditionally more passive environment of football, practise your English with the top 10 football insults.
Meanwhile in the traditionally more passive environment of football, practise your English with the top 10 football insults.
Sunday, 8 March 2009
England Vs Italy
It's a big week in the champions league, where three of the four English clubs playing will face Italian opponents.
The footballing competition will be decided on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but do other aspects of the two nations culture compare?
Cuisine: Fish n Chips Vs Pasta
Weather: Rain Vs Blue Skies
Colonial Technology: Railways Vs Roads
Cars: Aston Martin Vs Ferrari
Cinema: Alfred Hitchcock Vs Sergio Leone
Cheese: Chedder Vs Mozzarella
Music: The Beatles Vs Eros Ramazzotti
Chocolate: Cadbury Cream Egg Vs Kinder Surprise
Heads of State: The Queen Vs Silvio Berlusconi
Television: The BBC Vs Silvio Berlusconi
Comedy: Monty Python Vs Silvio Berlusconi
Oldest Man: Henry Allingham Vs Silvio Berlusconi
So who wins? England? Italy? Silvio Berlusconi?
Answers on a postcard to:
TobytheTeacher
27 Bofferding Street
Big Duck's Palace
Lux
And for the football...
Miei amici italiani - in bocca al lupo!
The footballing competition will be decided on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but do other aspects of the two nations culture compare?
Cuisine: Fish n Chips Vs Pasta
Weather: Rain Vs Blue Skies
Colonial Technology: Railways Vs Roads
Cars: Aston Martin Vs Ferrari
Cinema: Alfred Hitchcock Vs Sergio Leone
Cheese: Chedder Vs Mozzarella
Music: The Beatles Vs Eros Ramazzotti
Chocolate: Cadbury Cream Egg Vs Kinder Surprise
Heads of State: The Queen Vs Silvio Berlusconi
Television: The BBC Vs Silvio Berlusconi
Comedy: Monty Python Vs Silvio Berlusconi
Oldest Man: Henry Allingham Vs Silvio Berlusconi
So who wins? England? Italy? Silvio Berlusconi?
Answers on a postcard to:
TobytheTeacher
27 Bofferding Street
Big Duck's Palace
Lux
And for the football...
Miei amici italiani - in bocca al lupo!
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Too High A Price?
News from an American point of view: an interesting article from the New York Times entitled Wars, Endless Wars.
Difficult times indeed for President Obama.
In all the hype about the damage done by post WWII American foreign policy to the rest of the world, it's easy to miss the wide ranging and massive damage it has done to American society itself.
Whether it itself be right or wrong, America's decision to safe-guard western democracy in a post-colonial world has come at a high price. A price that might be about to become to high even for a country as rich and powerful as America to pay.
And if it does, where will that leave the rest of us?
Difficult times indeed for President Obama.
In all the hype about the damage done by post WWII American foreign policy to the rest of the world, it's easy to miss the wide ranging and massive damage it has done to American society itself.
Whether it itself be right or wrong, America's decision to safe-guard western democracy in a post-colonial world has come at a high price. A price that might be about to become to high even for a country as rich and powerful as America to pay.
And if it does, where will that leave the rest of us?
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Duck Billed Berlusconi
Coca Cola Bails Out Venice
The Mayor of Venice blames lack of government support but, in fairness to Silvio Berlusconi's government, it's not cheap paying for all his cosmetic work.
Silvio is, after all, six hundred and forty seven years old.
Every two weeks his entire body is drained of blood and then refilled by the blood of the Duck Billed Platypus. Indeed, Silvio now has so much Platypus DNA in his system, he is part aquatic.
Silvio can survive up to six and a half days underwater without air support. Another reason why funding for Venice's flood defenses is so difficult to obtain - Silvio doesn't see the problem.
Very often the top of Silvio's bald head can be seen moving through Venice's canals, as he goes about his shopping.
Unfortunately, as part of his longevity treatment, Silvo's head is made of 98% reinforced titanium. This has lead to the sinking of more than one Venetian gondola.
As Venetians say, 'La testa di Silvio è, per la gondola, come il iceberg per la Titanic.'
The Mayor of Venice blames lack of government support but, in fairness to Silvio Berlusconi's government, it's not cheap paying for all his cosmetic work.
Silvio is, after all, six hundred and forty seven years old.
Every two weeks his entire body is drained of blood and then refilled by the blood of the Duck Billed Platypus. Indeed, Silvio now has so much Platypus DNA in his system, he is part aquatic.
Silvio can survive up to six and a half days underwater without air support. Another reason why funding for Venice's flood defenses is so difficult to obtain - Silvio doesn't see the problem.
Very often the top of Silvio's bald head can be seen moving through Venice's canals, as he goes about his shopping.
Unfortunately, as part of his longevity treatment, Silvo's head is made of 98% reinforced titanium. This has lead to the sinking of more than one Venetian gondola.
As Venetians say, 'La testa di Silvio è, per la gondola, come il iceberg per la Titanic.'
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Embarrassed English, Facebook Data and I Believe I Can Fly
Uh oh! Somebody has been embarrassing the English with a public display of the word 'sex'.
When will people learn?! We can't take that kind of thing!!
Facebook will not keep our data!
But, what would Facebook do with my data...
'Toby thinks everybody has something to hide except for me and my monkey.'
Or, 'Toby wants to know - if a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound?'
Or, the decidedly postmodern, 'Toby is updating his status message'.
Finally, to help with that midweek 'when will this week end?!' feeling:
I Believe I Can Fly
I used to think
that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes the silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Cause I believe in you
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
When will people learn?! We can't take that kind of thing!!
Facebook will not keep our data!
But, what would Facebook do with my data...
'Toby thinks everybody has something to hide except for me and my monkey.'
Or, 'Toby wants to know - if a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound?'
Or, the decidedly postmodern, 'Toby is updating his status message'.
Finally, to help with that midweek 'when will this week end?!' feeling:
I Believe I Can Fly
I used to think
that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes the silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Cause I believe in you
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Monday, 16 February 2009
High Speed News Round-Up!
Apparently, babies who gesticulate (talk with their hands) have better vocabularies when they reach school age.
- Does this explain why Italians talk so much?
Eh.. this is not cool. I think, if you find yourself seriously considering beheading your wife - it's probably time to just leave her.
You know, walk out the door, get a hotel room, buy some porn, a six-pack of beer and work through it, man.
Silvio Berlusconi? Involved in bribes? Surely not! Wait a minute, let me get this straight:
David Mills (aka British scumbag) has been found guilty and sentenced for four and half years, BUT he can appeal twice before the sentence is enforced, AND if those appeals are not completed by 2010, he doesn't go to jail?!
- and, even if he does go to an Italian jail, it won't be too bad for a British guy:
The food will be better for starters! Italian jail food is like restaurant food in England!
- Does this explain why Italians talk so much?
Eh.. this is not cool. I think, if you find yourself seriously considering beheading your wife - it's probably time to just leave her.
You know, walk out the door, get a hotel room, buy some porn, a six-pack of beer and work through it, man.
Silvio Berlusconi? Involved in bribes? Surely not! Wait a minute, let me get this straight:
David Mills (aka British scumbag) has been found guilty and sentenced for four and half years, BUT he can appeal twice before the sentence is enforced, AND if those appeals are not completed by 2010, he doesn't go to jail?!
- and, even if he does go to an Italian jail, it won't be too bad for a British guy:
The food will be better for starters! Italian jail food is like restaurant food in England!
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Achmed the Dead Terrorist
I can't seem to find anything funny in the news.
Maybe it's because I'm not in a funny mood. Maybe it's because the world is not in a funny mood.
I suspect the cause of both moods may well be the same: The Super-Rich's desire to have a 12% year on year increase in wealth rather than a 10% one is beginning to bite.
However before I join Al Qaeda, some research first:
Achmed the Dead Terrorist
Silence! I kill you!
Maybe it's because I'm not in a funny mood. Maybe it's because the world is not in a funny mood.
I suspect the cause of both moods may well be the same: The Super-Rich's desire to have a 12% year on year increase in wealth rather than a 10% one is beginning to bite.
However before I join Al Qaeda, some research first:
Achmed the Dead Terrorist
Silence! I kill you!
Monday, 2 February 2009
China:
It's big,
There's a lot of people,
And Jackie Chan is one of them.
- But what do we really know about it?
Luckily her majesty's broadcasting corporation (the BBC) is here
with a series of documentaries.
And now, in a shameless display of cultural insensitivity,
Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting.
Zai Jian!
Kung Fu Fighting
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said here comes the big boss, lets get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand knew trip
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with expert timing
(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning
There's a lot of people,
And Jackie Chan is one of them.
- But what do we really know about it?
Luckily her majesty's broadcasting corporation (the BBC) is here
with a series of documentaries.
And now, in a shameless display of cultural insensitivity,
Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting.
Zai Jian!
Kung Fu Fighting
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said here comes the big boss, lets get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand knew trip
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with expert timing
(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning
Monday, 19 January 2009
Blue Monday
The Eurozone is going to shrink by 1.9%
Arrh!!!! Where will 1.9% of us live?!?!
Apparently January 19th (Blue Monday) is the most depressing day of the year...
So... to cheer you all up, my favourite monkey joke:
- Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Wait for it...
- What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
- The monkeys picking cherries.
And if that hasn't help - I will survive:
Los Lyrics:
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
Arrh!!!! Where will 1.9% of us live?!?!
Apparently January 19th (Blue Monday) is the most depressing day of the year...
So... to cheer you all up, my favourite monkey joke:
- Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Wait for it...
- What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
- The monkeys picking cherries.
And if that hasn't help - I will survive:
Los Lyrics:
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me
Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day
Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day
Obviously, as a soul-tortured artist, relationships are not an option for me, but let me see if I've understood this...
Daily Habit 1 - Talk to Each Other:
'Honey, I think you're fat', Bob says to Claire. To which Claire replies, 'Well Bob, your penis is small and seldom satisfies me.'
Daily Habit 2 - Flirt:
'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' 'I'm cooking dinner Bob.'
Daily Habit 3 - Get Stupid Together:
'Bob - I dare you to catch this knife!'
Daily Habit 4 - Declare your Independence:
'We hold these truths to be self-evident..'
Daily Habit 5 - Share a Spiritual Moment:
'Bacardi?'
Obviously, as a soul-tortured artist, relationships are not an option for me, but let me see if I've understood this...
Daily Habit 1 - Talk to Each Other:
'Honey, I think you're fat', Bob says to Claire. To which Claire replies, 'Well Bob, your penis is small and seldom satisfies me.'
Daily Habit 2 - Flirt:
'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' 'I'm cooking dinner Bob.'
Daily Habit 3 - Get Stupid Together:
'Bob - I dare you to catch this knife!'
Daily Habit 4 - Declare your Independence:
'We hold these truths to be self-evident..'
Daily Habit 5 - Share a Spiritual Moment:
'Bacardi?'
Friday, 16 January 2009
British Citizenship Test
New plans for the British Citizenship Test have been announced
TobytheTeacher's British Citizenship Test:
1. What do British people eat for dinner?
a) Fish n' Chips
b) Chicken Curry
c) Beer
2. Is the Queen..
a) God's voice upon this Earth
b) A Corgi-Pimp
c) The most Bobby-Dazzler Disco-Fantastic Person in the world
3. Did Shakespeare write..
a) 4 Weddings and a funeral (Brit-Flick-Chick-Flick-Middle-Class-Tosh)
b) Hamlet
c) All the Take That songs
3. How many reality TV shows can the average British Citizen watch a week?
a) 2
b) 10
c) How many you got?
4. Is Diego Maradona..
a) A great sportsman and a role model to all the children of the world
b) 98% cocaine
c) A fat-cheating-volleyball-playing-cocaine-addicted-organised-crime-associating-with-jumped-up-mock-God-fearing-f*ck-face
5. Is the first line of the British National Anthem..
a) God save our gracious Queen
b) God save Freddy Mercury
c) Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!
6. When going to the toilet do you say to your friends..
a) I gotta drain the lizard
b) ME! GO PEE-PEE!
c) Would you excuse me? - I have to use the Winston Churchill
7. In the Winter, do the British have..
a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Cold rain
8. In the Summer, do the British have..
a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Warm rain
9. Do British people believe in..
a) One of the three major monotheistic spiritualities
b) The healing power of laughter
c) Capitalism - aka: Nothing
10. How do British people see other Europeans?
a) Smelly ill-mannered Johnny-Foreigners
b) European Brothers and Sisters of equal worth and measure
c) People for fighting and football
..for British Citizenship please send your answers to:
The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
UK (the centre of the universe)
TobytheTeacher's British Citizenship Test:
1. What do British people eat for dinner?
a) Fish n' Chips
b) Chicken Curry
c) Beer
2. Is the Queen..
a) God's voice upon this Earth
b) A Corgi-Pimp
c) The most Bobby-Dazzler Disco-Fantastic Person in the world
3. Did Shakespeare write..
a) 4 Weddings and a funeral (Brit-Flick-Chick-Flick-Middle-Class-Tosh)
b) Hamlet
c) All the Take That songs
3. How many reality TV shows can the average British Citizen watch a week?
a) 2
b) 10
c) How many you got?
4. Is Diego Maradona..
a) A great sportsman and a role model to all the children of the world
b) 98% cocaine
c) A fat-cheating-volleyball-playing-cocaine-addicted-organised-crime-associating-with-jumped-up-mock-God-fearing-f*ck-face
5. Is the first line of the British National Anthem..
a) God save our gracious Queen
b) God save Freddy Mercury
c) Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!
6. When going to the toilet do you say to your friends..
a) I gotta drain the lizard
b) ME! GO PEE-PEE!
c) Would you excuse me? - I have to use the Winston Churchill
7. In the Winter, do the British have..
a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Cold rain
8. In the Summer, do the British have..
a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Warm rain
9. Do British people believe in..
a) One of the three major monotheistic spiritualities
b) The healing power of laughter
c) Capitalism - aka: Nothing
10. How do British people see other Europeans?
a) Smelly ill-mannered Johnny-Foreigners
b) European Brothers and Sisters of equal worth and measure
c) People for fighting and football
..for British Citizenship please send your answers to:
The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
UK (the centre of the universe)
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Ronaldo Vs UFO
The world most successful Thai-Lady-Boy, Cristiano Ronaldo crashed one of his Ferrari's.
Unconfirmed reports say that at the time of the crash, Cristiano was practising his magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick.
Did this distract Cristiano? Only the he knows.
Meanwhile else wheres in England: a UFO is suspected of damaging a wind farm.
UFO? ..Or Cristiano Ronaldo flying his private jet at the same time as practising his aforementioned magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick?
Only Cristiano knows.
Unconfirmed reports say that at the time of the crash, Cristiano was practising his magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick.
Did this distract Cristiano? Only the he knows.
Meanwhile else wheres in England: a UFO is suspected of damaging a wind farm.
UFO? ..Or Cristiano Ronaldo flying his private jet at the same time as practising his aforementioned magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick?
Only Cristiano knows.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Wife Sets Fire to Husband's Penis
Ouch!
Look out guys!!
Don't cheat on your wife or girlfriend or this might happen!!!
She just wanted to burn his penis so it belonged to her and no one else?! What the flaming ding-dong was she going to do with it afterwards?!
Girls, seriously, if you hate a guy enough to set fire to his John-Thomas, maybe you should just leave him?
The woman has been held in Police custody pending the results of a psychological assessment. They need to wait for a psychological assessment?!
SHE SET FIRE TO HER HUSBAND'S KINDER BUENO - SHE'S BONKERS!!!
Cheating on women is wrong, but so is setting fire to his 'meat and two veg', his captain fantastic, his caped crusader, his little general, his pocket rocket, his one eyed trouser snake, his rod, his magic wand, his voiture d'amour, his wang, his wife's best friend... oh no wait, that one doesn't work.
Look out guys!!
Don't cheat on your wife or girlfriend or this might happen!!!
She just wanted to burn his penis so it belonged to her and no one else?! What the flaming ding-dong was she going to do with it afterwards?!
Girls, seriously, if you hate a guy enough to set fire to his John-Thomas, maybe you should just leave him?
The woman has been held in Police custody pending the results of a psychological assessment. They need to wait for a psychological assessment?!
SHE SET FIRE TO HER HUSBAND'S KINDER BUENO - SHE'S BONKERS!!!
Cheating on women is wrong, but so is setting fire to his 'meat and two veg', his captain fantastic, his caped crusader, his little general, his pocket rocket, his one eyed trouser snake, his rod, his magic wand, his voiture d'amour, his wang, his wife's best friend... oh no wait, that one doesn't work.
Italian Christmas Witch Day
It's Italian Christmas Witch Day!
Who is the Italian Christmas Witch I hear you ask? Find out here.
To celebrate Italian Christmas Witch day here are some traditional English language stories about the Italian Christmas Witch...
- wait a minute! There are no traditional English language storys!! Oh well, here are some Family Guy videos about Italians instead:
Cutting in Line in front of Italians
Peter thinks he can speak Italian because he has a moustache
..and finally, Monty Python's Italian lessons - which I've posted before, but I like it!
Toodle-Italian-Christmas-Witch-Pip!
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