Security Rover

President Obama arrived in the UK with massive security entourage and limo specially designed for safety and defense.

I have a similar set-up for here in Luxembourg:

My car is equipped with extra comfy seats, so I don't get irritated stuck behind slow moving locals and old people.

My car is also big enough so that I don't get intimidated by fast moving investment bankers, convinced by their own sense of total superiority.

The unique 'style' of my Rover allows me to effortlessly demonstrate* my Englishness at all times to you continental European types.

My CD changer is fully stocked with The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and The Who, so that I can instantly balance any foreign influence to regain my delicate Anglo-Saxon sensibilities.

A sophisticated air conditioning system maintains a constant 'English climate' within my car, never allowing it to be too hot or too cold.

And in the glove compartment, I keep a can of Tetleys and a packet of salt & vinegar crisps in case I need to take away the taste of any 'European food'.

*Technically in English, you shouldn't 'split an infinitive' (separate the 'to' from 'demonstrate'). However, the sentence is funnier written this way.

Shopping Syndrome

In an attempt to demonstrate that this blog is for everyone, apparently woman might have a medical excuse for shopping sprees.

Is there anything woman can't blame on their time of the month? It's like a monthly 'get out of jail free card' for all forms of unusual behaviour or extreme emotional reactions.

If I was a woman, I'd be tempted to take advantage:

Your colleague borrows your calculator without asking, so you staple his tie to the desk (while he's still wearing it) - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

You drive your car into the supermarket, as it's easier to do your shopping that way - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

You place voodoo curses on all of your colleagues for not doing things exactly the way the wanted them to be - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

English Sporting Success?!

What is going on?!

The English? Successful in sporting events?!

England 4 Slovakia 0

But it's only a friendly I hear you all cry! Yes, but it wasn't so long ago that we were dragging 1 - 0 victories and 0 - 0 draws out of those sorts of games.


And: Button wins the Australian Grand Prix

I'm particularly pleased by this as I could never get into the whole supporting Lewis Hamilton thing, given that he is not actually human and was, in fact, developed in a McLaren lab.

Madonna Thinks?

Madonna has been urged to rethink her decision to adopt a second African child.

To 'rethink' doesn't one first have to 'think'. Does Madonna think?

Madonna has always struck me as one of those people who doesn't know what she wants, but she does know how to get it.


But there is no doubting the impact she's had on contempory western culture. The song that started it all: Like a Virgin, but a slightly different version.

Los Lyricas del Virginos:

I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was until I found you
I was beat incomplete, I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new

Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy, my fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you 'cause only love can last
You're so fine and you're mine, make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine

Stupid English

Ah, the English: Shakespeare, Dickens, The Beatles. What culture! What creativity! What intelligence! Not really:

Man follows SATNAV to cliff edge

What has happened to my nation!? Oh well, at least we still have our sense of humour:

Son Paints 60ft Penis on Parents' Roof

hihi.

Battlestar Galactica

I don't usually do this.

In my opinion, recommending your favourite film, food or music to someone is like recommending a lover. Just strange. We all have our own tastes. And they're buried so deep inside us, there's little external influence can do it change them.

Having said all that, my favourite TV show Battlestar Galactica came to an end this weekend. The storyline is far too complex to try to express in a condensed form, but I'd like to talk about what I think the TV show is all about.

Battlestar Galactica is about faith. It's about the things you choose to believe in, and the consequences of that choice.

Each of the characters puts their faith in something, be it religion or science, democracy or the military, friendship or family. In short, each of the characters chooses to love something. Then each are put into conflict, with themselves and with those around them, because of what they love.

If you see past the cylons and the jump drives, you'll see a TV show that talked about war and terrorism from both sides, that demonstrated the arrogance and solace that can be found in both science and religion. A TV show whose characters lost only to live on. A TV show that never offered easy answers, but consistently pushed itself to ask the hard questions.

I've been a fan of science fiction my whole life, and it is, for the most part, a vastly stupid genre. Finally science fiction fans have a TV show they can put alone side the likes of 'The Wire' and 'The Sopranos' (And unlike 'The Sopranos', Battlestar Galactica actually ended). Finally, science fiction fans have a TV show they can recommend to other people.

Thank you Battlestar Galactica, it was one hell of a frakkin' journey!

Protection Francais!

Ah! Zi French are protecting again z'ere industries français.

As if you need protectionism! We didn't protect our car industry in the UK and
now
we
have
no
car
industry.

Oh.
Bugger.

- Maybe the French have point?


But what else will they protect? Obviously the cheese. But what other things are essential to French Cultural Identity?

Smoking?
Being sarcastic?
Riding a bicycle, wearing a striped T-Shirt, a berry on your head, with onions round your neck?

Language CDs are Stupid

I've just listened to the instructions of a 'Learn Italian CD':

‘We do not recommend doing the reading portion if you are doing this programme in your car.’

- really?! Well, I was going to… but since you don’t recommend it.

Are there really people that need to be told that? And why is it only a 'recommendation'?

Could I do it if I was reaaaally careful? You know, not in heavy traffic, for example.


Speaking of stupid, what about the sentences we learn in foreign languages as beginners:

'The dog is under the table.'

When are you ever going to say that?


- On a holiday to England, you visit a friend's home:

You: 'Hi!'

Your friend: 'Hello! Nice to see you.'

You: 'Nice to see you too. Your home is lovely.'

Your friend: 'Thank you! That's very kind of you to say s-'

You: 'OH MY GOD! THE DOG IS UNDER THE TABLE!'

Your friend: 'SWEET JESUS! HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE?!'

You: 'WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DOOOO?!'

Your friend: 'DO HAVE ANY DOG BISCUITS?'

You: 'NO! DEAR GOD! I DIDN'T THINK!'

Your friend: 'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!'

You: 'BUT I BLAME MYSELF!'

Your friend: 'IT'S OK! I THINK WE HAVE SOME IN THE KITCHEN!'

You: 'THANK THE BABY JESUS!'

Winky Faces and Status Messages

'Toby is feeling sardonic.'

I just wrote that on my facebook status message. Apparently, status messages are the new email.

I do like the idea of casting my inner thoughts and feelings out into the darkness. A modern day 'message in a bottle'.


I'm a particular fan of the 'willfully ambiguous' status message. It's not one I use myself so much, but I've noticed it's a big favourite with girls.

'Tracy can not believe what just happened...'

- to which her facebook buddies hurriedly comment:

'What's wrong hun?!'

- to which Tracy replies:

'Oh nothing. I just dropped my coffee ;)'


The winky face - ;) - is one of my favourite typological developments. You can say anything you like, as long as you follow it with a winky face:

'You're fat and you're stupid! ;)'

'One day I will stand over your corpse and laugh! ;)'

'I would not spit on you if you were on fire! ;)'


Here's a song that needs a winky face: Archive's 'F*ck U'

*It's a youtube link, as deezer is acting up.

Los Lyricos Disgustos:

There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won't ever meet I remember your name
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
You are scum, you are scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can, so f*ck you anyway
Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
Makes me sick when I hear all the sh*t that you say
So much cr*p coming out it must take you all day
There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the f*ck are you looking at me

Why the f*ck why the f*ck are you looking at me
(Repeat x 4)

There's a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up 'cos I find you obscene
We can't wait for the day that you're never around
When that face isn't here and you rot underground
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway

So f*ck you anyway (Repeat x 11)

;)

First Date No No's

Yahoo is back with another 'how to be generic and popular' link:

This time, First Date Deal Breakers.


Personally, I think they've missed a few:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten First Date No No's

1. Insist that the girl calls you ‘Mr Big’ at all times.

2. Lick clean her plate after she has finished eating.

3. Profess your love of small, cute animals when used as target practice for your AK.

4. Introduce her to your right hand by referring to it as ‘your other lover’.

5. Tell her about the time you nearly died of stomach flu.

6. Explain to her, in great detail, why all of her favourite films are rubbish, and why she should really love the films of Sergio Leone (I’ve actually done this one).

7. Tell her she can only speak to you at half time.

8. Eat with your feet.

9. Say things like, ‘So, what does your Mum look like? I only ask ‘cos I wanna know what I’m in for.’

10. Dress like The Pope.

Violent Tennis and Football Insults

Tennis and Sweden have both long been associated with violence, and the Israel Vs Sweden Davis Cup Match was no exception.

Meanwhile in the traditionally more passive environment of football, practise your English with the top 10 football insults.

England Vs Italy

It's a big week in the champions league, where three of the four English clubs playing will face Italian opponents.

The footballing competition will be decided on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but do other aspects of the two nations culture compare?


Cuisine: Fish n Chips Vs Pasta













Weather: Rain Vs Blue Skies











Colonial Technology: Railways Vs Roads













Cars: Aston Martin Vs Ferrari










Cinema: Alfred Hitchcock Vs Sergio Leone












Cheese: Chedder Vs Mozzarella











Music: The Beatles Vs Eros Ramazzotti














Chocolate: Cadbury Cream Egg Vs Kinder Surprise












Heads of State: The Queen Vs Silvio Berlusconi















Television: The BBC Vs Silvio Berlusconi












Comedy: Monty Python Vs Silvio Berlusconi













Oldest Man: Henry Allingham Vs Silvio Berlusconi














So who wins? England? Italy? Silvio Berlusconi?

Answers on a postcard to:

TobytheTeacher
27 Bofferding Street
Big Duck's Palace
Lux

And for the football...

Miei amici italiani - in bocca al lupo!

Too High A Price?

News from an American point of view: an interesting article from the New York Times entitled Wars, Endless Wars.

Difficult times indeed for President Obama.

In all the hype about the damage done by post WWII American foreign policy to the rest of the world, it's easy to miss the wide ranging and massive damage it has done to American society itself.

Whether it itself be right or wrong, America's decision to safe-guard western democracy in a post-colonial world has come at a high price. A price that might be about to become to high even for a country as rich and powerful as America to pay.

And if it does, where will that leave the rest of us?