Bush has been Oliver Stoned...

Director Oliver Stone talking about his new film 'W'

He also briefly mentions my favourite Oliver Stone movie - Natural Born Killers.

In my opinion, in cinematic terms the most original and important film of the 90s (though you'll notice from the review that not everyone agrees with me).

In general, not a big fan of his work. I think listening to him is usually more interesting than watching his films.

Still, you have to give him credit for making such a politically relevant and contemporary film.

Vin de Merde?

'zos crazy Frenchie peoples are calling 'zier wine - vin de merde.

Apparently, they are trying to attract attention for the wine.

I wonder if the same approach would work for Luxembourgish beer?

Bofferding could become 'Rat's P*ss'
Mousel - 'Baboon's A*se Sweat'
Diekirch - 'What doesn't kill you, makes you blind.'


I can't drink Bofferding. True story. Usually, when I drink beer I go from sober to good time to sick. But not with Bofferding, oh no. With Bofferding I go from sober to sober to sick.

I honestly believe it has been engineered to attack English people on a genetic level as an act of revenge for all the times the English Football Fans have come to Luxembourg and broken the city.

Baby, I like the way you smell...

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce

I have a theory about the high rate of divorce in the modern western world. I think it's all to do with deodorant.

Think about it. Scientists think that a large part of human attraction is based on smell. That's why people wear perfume, aftershave, deodorant etc - because it makes you more attractive to more people.

But the deodorant etc blocks our natural body smell. What if it's also blocking our ability to successfully select / sniff out a partner?

Maybe we should all do what dogs do and smell each others' butts before we consider a relationship?

...I wonder if that would go down well on a Friday night at the club?!

Toodle-Pip!

Meeting The Parents...

Hello Hello,

A funny video for Friday. I guess in the list of things you'd not want to happen when you first visit your boyfriend's parents, this would be around the top.

Enjoy your weekends!

Toodle-Pip!

How To Deal With Workplace F*ckers

How to Deal with Workplace 'Frenemies'

What are 'Frenemies' I hear you all ask?

Well apparently, 'Frenemies' are people at work who pretend to be your friend but then screw you for their own advantage. I call these people 'F*ckers'.

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Ways of Dealing with Workplace F*ckers:

1. Plant a landmine in their office.

2. Pay a Voodoo Doctor to curse them.

3. Use a laser-beam to cut them in half (Do you expect me talk? No, Mr Frenemie! I expect you to die!)

4. Install a hidden piranha pit in front of your desk. Then tell the F*cker you want to see them in your office.

5. Have sex with their pets.

6. Create a fake Facebook profile for them with only pictures of S&M, Nazis and Michael Bolton on it.

7. Once a day, go into their office (when they're not there) and move something. Start with something very small like a pencil. Then each day move something larger - until one day they enter their office to find their desk on a totally different side of the room (The Mason Family used to do this).

8. At lunchtime, sneak into the F*ckers office and leave a whip, a set of handcuffs, some nipple clips, a prison guard uniform and Max Mosley. Then leave a message for your boss saying the f*cker urgently needs to see him / her in their office.

9. Tell Chuck Norris that your frenemie said his was not that hard and that Jean-Claude Van Damme could 'have him' in a fight. Then sit back and wait.

10. Whenever you see them start crying and say, 'I heard the news. I just want you to know - I think you're really brave!'. Then refuse to say anything more.


Finally, the Jean Claude Van Damme Website (for the ladies)

A Boring End To The World?

Ooo... this is nifty: a boring end to the world?

And that's all I'm gonna say.

Toodle-pip!

The Cowboy Hat Theory

News from the American Presidential Elections.... trouble for Sarah Palin

There's no actually need to follow the news reports from America. I have a foolproof method for predicting the winner of an American Presidential Election:


TobytheTeacher's 'Cowboy Hat Theory'.

The winner of an American Presidential Election is the candidate that looks best when wearing a cowboy hat. Check it out:

2004 - George W Bush Vs John Kerry: George looks best in a cowboy hat.
2000 - George W Bush Vs Al Gore: Easy, George Bush.
1996 - Bill Clinton Vs Bob Dole: Oh so easy, Bill Clinton.
1992 - Bill Clinton Vs George H Bush: Once again, Bill Clinton.
1988 - George H Bush Vs Michael Dukakis: Closer but, George H Bush.
1984 - Ronald Reagan Vs Walter Mondale: Reagan played cowboys in the movies!!!

Any questions?

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Clock!

So... the US debt clock has run out of digits

I don't get it!? If America is going to owe 11 trillion dollars... who are they going to owe it to?

Is there someone out there with an 'IOU' note from America for 11 trillion dollars?

And if so, who has enough money to be able to lend 11 trillion dollars?!

'..Oh, you want to borrow some money? Sure.. let me just see what I've got in my pocket. Ah, 11 trillion dollars! I'm not using it! I guess you can have it!'

What would happen if we just said - stop! We want to see who has all the money!

I suspect this Capitalism thing is a myth. I think it's all a product of Donald Trump's imagination...

Troppo Rapido? Moi?

Eh... so I had a very nice conversation with the Luxembourgish Police last week:

'TobytheTeacher, although your driving is tiptop, we would prefer it if you did not drive at nearly double the speed limit.'

To which I replied, 'You think I should drive faster?'

'No. Perhaps slower.'

'But Mr Policeman, what about all the drink driving in Luxembourg?' I asked innocently.

'Ah but TobytheTeacher', he replied wisely, 'Bofferding helps you to drive better.'

'But Mr Policeman', I countered confused, 'if you fine me lots of money for driving too fast, how will I buy Bofferding?'

'Ah but TobytheTeacher that is why Bofferding is so cheap, so even after we have fined your hundreds and hundreds of euros for driving too fast, you can still buy more Bofferding.'

'Genius.'

'Twas a fair cop. I was doing 98 past the airport (a 50 zone). It was one of those magical moments in life when you know you're completely f**ked. And that the only thing you can do is hold your hands up and say 'yep, you got me.'

Evaluation Reports

It's evaluation report time for me... again. Hate paperwork with a growing passion.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Don't think I'll be using any phrases like these... I like to be a little more constructive:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

• I would not allow this employee to breed.

• This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.

• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

• He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

• A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

• He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

• He doesn't have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.

• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

• He’s been working with glue too much.

• He would argue with a signpost.

• He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

• When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

• If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he’s the other one.

• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

• A prime candidate for Natural de-Selection.

• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

• Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

• Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

• One neuron short of a Synapse.

• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

• Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

• The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is dead.