Dude Looks Like a Lady

Scientists at the Beijing Olympics will be testing to check female athletes are not men:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/30/sports/olympics/30gender.html?no_interstitial

...The Olympic Committee hasn't decided upon an official name for the test as yet, but the short list is as follows:

The 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours' test
The 'I just wanna check if you've got a ding-ding' test
The 'Is that your Olympic baton* in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me' test

...or finally, The 'dude looks like a lady' test:

http://www.deezer.com/track/1105721

*a baton is the thing they pass between runners during a relay race.


On a similar theme:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7529227.stm

An official name for the transsexual toilet has not be decided upon, but the short list is as follows:
The 'I can pee standing up and wear heels' toilet
The 'they make me play football, but I want to do is watch Sex in the City' toilet
The 'just because I have tic-tacs doesn't mean I don't have feelings' toilet

...or finally, The 'dude looks like a lady' toilet:

http://www.deezer.com/track/1105732 (this one is live)

...personally, I think there should be a third toilet for men who actually wash their hands after they have been to the toilet - it's an alarmingly small percentage of us!!


And now, Margaret Thatcher:

Everybody!!

http://www.deezer.com/track/18357 (different live version)

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

Cruised into a bar on the shore
Her picture graced the grime on the door
She a long lost love at first bite
Baby maybe you're wrong, but you know it's all right
That's right

(That, that)
(That, that)

Backstage we're having the time
Of our lives until somebody say
Forgive me if I seem out of line
Then she whipped out her gun
And tried to blow me away

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

So never judge a book by it's cover
Or who you're going to love by your lover
Love put me wise to her love in disguise
She had the body of a venus
Lord imagine my surprise

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

Baby let me follow you down
Let me take a peek dear
Baby let me follow you down
Do me, do me, do me all night
Baby let me follow you down
Turn the other cheek dear
Baby let me follow you down
Do me, do me, do me, do me

(Guitar solo)

Ooh what a funky lady
She like it, like it, like it, like that,
Ooh he was a lady

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady
Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady
Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady
Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady

(That that) ya ya ya yya ya yya ya chit chit yaow

(That, that)
(That, that)

[Repeat and fade]


....I just want to apologise for the mental image I created of Steven Tyler having sex with Margaret Thatcher. ...uh, that one's gonna stay with you.

Have yourselves good days! ...and remember, if you want to be a transsexual, it's ok :)

Shirley Bassey, The Power of Love, Houses of Rising Suns and Jokers & Thieves

Ah, the cover song. When one band or singer takes the song of another and makes it their own. Many many times this can be a disaster (Guns n' Roses doing 'Sympathy for The Devil' for example), but on occasions ...the cover can better the original.


For your consideration, she of 'Goldfinger' / 'Diamonds are forever' fame, Shirley Bassey doing Pink's 'Get The Party Started':

http://www.deezer.com/track/1099834


The Early November doing 'The Power of Love' by Huey Lewis and The News. ...I think the tone of this is really beautiful.

(I'd actually forgotten how bad the original was, still.... Back to The Future - '88miles per hour Marty! You gotta go back into the past to stop your Dad from being a loser by kissing your Mother!!' ...ah, wholesome family entertainment.)

http://www.deezer.com/track/36200


Tracy Chapman's version of The Animals track 'House of The Rising Sun'. Tracy really makes this her own and to great effect.

http://www.deezer.com/track/2903


Finally, Jimi Hendrix's cover of the Dylan track 'All Along The Watchtower'. So good this, many people don't realise it's even a Bob Dylan song. Still, I have to say, I do like the original. The older I get, the more I love Dylan.

http://www.deezer.com/track/1462


And now, for the sake of contrast and awareness, the original versions:

http://www.deezer.com/track/969356

http://www.deezer.com/track/11385

http://www.deezer.com/track/8918

http://www.deezer.com/track/610000

...'there must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief...' ...the joker would be me, the thief, an investment banker ...and here, here would be Luxembourg.

Toodle-pip!


*the lyrics below are for the original tracks, not the covers. Some of the lyrics vary slightly and the order in which they are song can also vary.


'Get The Party Started'

I'm coming up so you better get this party started
I'm coming up so you better get this party started

Get this party started, on a saturday night,
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive
Sending out the message to all of my friends
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz
I got lots of style with my gold diamond rings
I can go for miles if you know what I mean

I'm coming up so you better get this party started
I'm coming up so you better get this party started

Pumpin up the volume,breaking down to the beat
Cruisin' through the west side I'll be checkin' the scene
Boulevard is freaking as I'm coming fast
I'll be burning rubber, you'll be kissin' my ass
Pull up to the bumper get out of the car
License plate says Number One Superstar

I'm coming up so you better get this party started
I'm coming up so you better get this party started
(get this party started)

Making my connection as I enter the room
Everybody is chillin' as I set up the groove
Pumpin up the volume with this brand new beat
Everybody's dancin' and they're dancin' for me
I'm the operator you can call anytime
I'll be your connection to the party line

I'm coming up so you better get this party started
I'm coming up so you better get this party started
I'm coming up so you better get this party started
I'm coming up so you better get this party started
(get this party started)
(ooooh, get this party started right now)
(get this party started)
(get this party started, right now)


'The Power of Love'

The power of love is a curious thing
Make a one man weep, make another man sing
Change a hawk to a little white dove
More than a feeling that's the power of love

Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girls dream
Make a bad one good make a wrong one right
Power of love that keeps you home at night

Chorus 1 :You don't need money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and its sudden and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That's the power of love
That's the power of love

First time you feel it, it might make you sad
Next time you feel it it might make you mad
But you'll be glad baby when youve found
That's the power makes the world go round

Chorus 2 :And it don't take money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden it can be cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life

They say that all in love is fair
Yeah, but you don't care
But you know what to do
When it gets hold of you
And with a little help from above
You feel the power of love
You feel the power of love
Can you feel it ? Hmmm

Chorus 3 :It don't take money and it don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
Tougher than diamonds and stronger than steel
You won't feel nothin' till you feel
You feel the power, just the power of love
That's the power, that's the power of love
You feel the power of love
You feel the power of love
Feel the power of love


'The House of The Rising Sun'

There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one

My mother was a tailor
She sewed my new blue jeans
My father was a gamblin' man
Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk

------ organ solo ------

Oh mother tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun

Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I'm goin' back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain

Well, there is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one


'All Along The Watchtower'

There must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief,
There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief.

Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth,
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth.

No reason to get excited, the thief, he kindly spoke,
There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and i, we've been through that, and this is not our fate,
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.

All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too.
Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl,
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl.

Man Make-Up, Pussycat Dolls & George W

Eh...


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7530239.stm


Make up for men? I blame David Beckham for this. Once he wore that skirt, this kind of thing was inevitable.


Men, after seeing that, you need to see this:


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7528399.stm


...the new single from the Pussycat Dolls. Though seriously, watch it with the sound down... the song is really really bad ...but they do wear a range of outfits, so I think the artistic integrity of the band is intact.


In the interests of equality, something for the ladies...






That cheeky chappy Oliver Stone has made a film about George W:


http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/usa/2008/07/this_summer_fall_in_love_all_o.html


...trying to think of an original joke that hasn't already been done about George W... eh... eh... wait... what about jokes related to existing Oliver Stone movie titles? 'Natural Born President'? ..hmmm, doesn't really work that one.


What about jokes about George W that relate to Pussycat doll song titles? 'Don't you wish your house was white like mine?'




Ok girls, I think was being a little unfair with the picture of 'The Hoff' so...

Toodle-Pip!

Mob Shopping, Chinese Children and Drunk Brits

Mob bosses of the world! Do not go shopping!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7527835.stm

...really, someone should tell these people about 'online shopping'. Personally, I suggest the following sites:

http://www.deadhorsesheads.com/

http://www.concretewellingtons.co.uk/

http://www.yourbuddiesleepswiththefishesonlineflowers.au/


Meanwhile in China...

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/27/sports/olympics/27gymnasts.html?no_interstitial

...really, if the Chinese are allowed to use children to compete in their Olympic Team, why can't I use them to clean and tidy my apartment?

British people, drunk? Causing trouble? Whilst abroad? Surely not...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7527058.stm

...so it's a bad thing to open a door on a place at 10,000 feet? Huh, important safety tip.

Roy's Family Letters to Lumberjacks

Today I got up at 11am and I'm still naked now... but for those of you who you had to get up early, put clothes on and go to work, some funny videos:

Bit of a slow build this one, you have to give it time:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/364dbe7320


This is of no linguistic value whatsoever and you probably shouldn't watch it just after you've had lunch... or before, for that matter. Ah, Family Guy... the TV show that makes me feel that I'm not alone in the world:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRn5-LQCg2s


You know, I never wanted to be an English Teacher.... no, I wanted to be a Lumberjack! Monty Python:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xToPCaNxaow&NR=1


And finally, Roy Rules:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f8a54cb874


On the flip side!

Stupid Names, Fake Faces and Juicy Melons

News News News....

I've always had issues with my parents calling my 'Toby', given that it's what most middle class English people call their dogs, but it could have been worse:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7522952.stm

...I think when naming children it's a good idea to give them two names. One that is very typical and one that is unusual. This way, if the child grows up to be extroverted they can take the unusual name, and if introverted, they can take the typical name. For example: Bob Austro-Hungarian Davis - or - Jane Windows-98 Davis.


Careful when using Facebook, apparently creating fake profiles of people can land you in trouble:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7523128.stm

...better take down the profile I created for Hitler then.


Guys, it's time to start eating watermelon:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/health/newsid_7498000/7498061.stm

...brings about whole new possibilities for cheesy chat-up lines, 'Hey Baby, I've eaten watermelon.' (notice the use of the Present Perfect Simple 'I have eaten' to indicate a connection between the past eating of watermelon and the present proposed act of sex)

Toodle-Pip!

80's Sing-a-long...

Do you remember a more innocent time? ...when braces were red, mobile phones were huge and everybody who was anybody had a Filofax? A time when it was ok to be a greedy, money grabbing scumbag? A time when only status and the redness of your red red Ferrari mattered? ...yes, that's right, I'm talking about last week in Luxembourg.

No! The 80s the 80s!! ....and maybe last week in Luxembourg. Last week, this week, every week... ....in heartfelt tribute to Capitalism, I give you all a collection of songs from the 80s:

(Songs and links first, lyrics follow at the bottom of the blog)

Ah... The Bangles, just an item of jewelry to make your arms heavy? Or is a group of girls singing about 'Walking like an Egyptian'?

http://www.deezer.com/track/1758

...of course most Egyptian men aren't actually walking like this. They are too busy harassing women.

'Under Pressure', David Bowie and Queen. ...interestingly, this song title accurately describes the condition of any woman walking the streets of Egypt without male escort and without wearing the fashion equivalent of a bin-bag covering her entire body:

http://www.deezer.com/track/5927


Kim Wilde singing about those pesky 'Kids in America'. :

http://www.deezer.com/track/5782

As sung by many confused Egyptian men when confronted by the tempting sight of a woman not wearing a bin-bag, 'Don't You Want Me' by The Human League:

http://www.deezer.com/track/13819

99 Red Balloons by Nena:

http://www.deezer.com/track/542008

...this song was, of course, originally in German. ...but that has limited English language value.

Still it has put Germany in the lead in TobytheTeacher's Euro Pop Song League Table:

Germany 1

France 0

Italy 0

Lyrics:

‘Walk like an Egyptian’

All the old paintings on the tombs
They do the sand dance don't you know
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)
They're falling down like a domino
All the bazaar men by the Nile
They got the money on a bet
Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)
They snap their teeth on your cigarette
Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian

Blonde waitresses take their trays
They spin around and they cross the floor
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)
You drop your drink then they bring you more
All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)
They're walking like an Egyptian
All the kids in the marketplace say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian

Slide your feet up the street bend your back
Shift your arm then you pull it back
Life is hard you know (oh whey oh)
So strike a pose on a Cadillac
If you want to find all the cops
They're hanging out in the donut shop
They sing and dance (oh whey oh)
Spin the clubs cruise down the block
All the Japanese with their yen
The party boys call the Kremlin
And the Chinese know (oh whey oh)
They walk the line like Egyptian
All the cops in the donut shop say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian
Walk like an Egyptian


‘Under Pressure’

Mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu bum da de
Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure - that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Um ba ba be
Um ba ba be
De day da
Ee day da - that's o.k.

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets
Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba
O.k.

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
Ee do ba be
Ee da ba ba ba
Um bo bo
Be lap
People on streets - ee da de da de
People on streets - ee da de da de da de da

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher high high
Pressure on people - people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
Why - why - why?
Love love love love love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure


‘Kids in America’

Looking out a dirty old window.
Down below the cars in the city go rushing by.
I sit here alone and I wonder why.
Friday night and everyone's moving.
I can feel the heat but it's soothing.
Heading down, I search for the beat in this dirty town.
Down town the young ones are going.
Down town the young ones are growing.

We're the kids in America.
We're the kids in America.
Everybody live for the music-go-round.

Bright ligths the music get faster.
Look boy, don't check on your watch, not another glance.
I'm not leaving now, honey not a chance.
Hot-shot, give me no problems.
Much later baby you'll be saying never mind.
You know life is cruel, life is never kind.
Kind hearts don't make a new story.
Kind hearts don't grab any glory.

We're the kids in America.
We're the kids in America.
Everybody live for the music-go-round.

Come closer, honey that's better.
Got to get a brand new experience.
Feeling right.
Oh don't try to stop baby.
Hold me tight.
Outside a new day is dawning.
Outside Suburbia's sprawling everywhere.
I don't want to go baby.
New York to East California.
There's a new wave coming I warn you.

We're the kids in America.
We're the kids in America.
Everybody live for the music-go-round.
We're the kids
We're the kids
We're the kids in America


’Don’t you want me’

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you
I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around
Turned you into someone new
Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But don't forget its me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too

Don't, don't you want me?
You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me
It's much too late to find
You think you've changed your mind
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry
Don't you want me baby? don't you want me - oh
Don't you want me baby? don't you want me - oh

I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew I'd find a much better place
Either with or without you
The five years we have had have been such good times
I still love you
But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own
I guess it's just what I must do

Don't, don't you want me?
You know I can't believe it when I hear that you wont see me
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I believe you when you say that you don't need me
Its much too late to find
You think you've changed your mind
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry
Don't you want me baby? don't you want me - oh
Don't you want me baby? don't you want me - oh


'99 Red Balloons'

You and I in a little toy shop
Buy a bag of balloons
With the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message "Something's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
99 red balloons go by

99 red balloons
Floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
From somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Where 99 red balloons go by

99 Decision Street
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by

99 Knights of the airway
Ride super-high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a Silverhero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk
With orders to identify
To clarify and classify
Scramble in the summer sky
As 99 red balloons go by
As 99 red balloons go by

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenier
Just to prove the world was here
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go

High Fidelity Moments...

Experimenting with splitting the blog into more manageable chucks (someone gave me some unsolicited, but quality advice this weekend):

This is a surprisingly honest and heartfelt read, a journalist decided to contact all of her ex-boyfriends:

http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/relationships/story/0,,2291213,00.html

If you're interested, Nick Hornby wrote a book 'High Fidelity' about a guy who does a similar thing:

http://www.penguin.co.uk/static/cs/uk/0/minisites/nickhornby/books/hf_synopsis.html

...it has also been made into a pretty good film with John Cusack:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/movie-1095420/#

Gorilla Punishment, Sub-Primes and Heavy Metal Monks

Random Random News Stories: Some funny, some not.


This one certainly isn't. Sort it out Egypt!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7514567.stm

Personally, I think there's only one fitting punishment for any man that sexually harasses a woman: Gorilla Rape. Cover the man with female gorilla sweat and chuck him in a cage with one, or more, very very horny male gorillas. Once you've been raped by a gorilla or two, you're really not going to be harassing anyone.

Apparently, one of the causes of the Sub-Prime Mortgage crisis in America was that they didn't check if enough people could actually repay the loan.... hmmm.... I don't know a lot about finance, but isn't that kind of important? ...still, as long as no rich people lost money - that's the main thing.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/07/15/real_estate/annals_of_subprime_lending/index.htm?section=money_latest

Italians! Forget about Eros Ramazotti! Check out the Heavy Metal Monk:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7513571.stm

...I'm not a religious person, but I like people of belief and conviction. I particularly like people who are passionate and work hard to share those passions in a positive way.

National Chuck Norris Day

Although not widely known in the international community, it is actually National Chuck Norris Day in Luxembourg on 21st July.

Why do the Luxembourgish celebrate National Chuck Norris day? Fear.

Chuck Norris has no actual connection to Luxembourg; but ever wise to the possibility of attack from larger foreign powers (and let's face, Chuck is the largest foreign power), the Luxembourgish have cleverly decided to make the 21st July National Chuck Norris Day - to placate Chuck.

If Chuck Norris had been 1/10 Luxembourgish (like Tom Cruise and George Lucas), I would have been able to make the following jokes:

The original title for 'Delta Force' was 'Mousel Force'.

Originally 'Walker Texas Ranger' was going to be filmed in Luxembourg. It was going to be called 'Walker Diekirch Ranger'.

Despite what local historians say, it was not, in fact, the Luxembourgish who demolished their own city walls - it was Chuck Norris with a single roundhouse kick.

When Chuck Norris is driving in Luxembourg, the 'priorité à droite' rule changes simply to 'priorité à Chuck'.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to have ever drunk a Bofferding in every single bar, café and restaurant in Luxembourg, in one day - even the ones that only serve Mousel.

..but Chuck isn't 1/10 Luxembourgish, so I can't make any of those jokes.

To help celebrate the national day - The top 100 Chuck Norris facts:

http://www.thechucknorrisfacts.com/

Have a happy National Chuck Norris Day!

...and remember, if you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can not see Chuck Norris, you may only be moments away from death.

Die Hard Bunny! Bad Baby! Zi Tour! Doc Horrible! Iran! Lucky Girl!

So... in the news today, the IMF (International Monetary Fund) has raised world economic targ- No no no!! It's ok I'm kidding, I'm joking... could you image? If I actually did stories like that on my blog? Uh.... Yaaaaaawn!!!

You don't come here for that! You come here for this:

http://www.angryalien.com/aa/diehardbuns.asp

The Bruce Willis film 'Die Hard' done by bunnies in 30secs.

More comedy for Friday, God knows, well all need it... Good Cop, Bad Baby:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/33f2687080

Ah, zi Tour de France iz on.... ferr-est, a site du web en reference to zi tour in the zi language of 'zos Americaans stupids and 'zos 'In-glish zo stupids:

http://www.letour.fr/2008/TDF/COURSE/us/index.html

And seck-on-ed, zi joke: Python Monty and z'ere joke very funny, Zi Repairman of zi bicycles:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxfzm9dfqBw

Joss Wheldon's doing something different on the Internet... a Super Villain Musical... the creator of Buffy TheVampire Slayer is back with a ultra low budget attempt at slinging on in the eye of mainstream Hollywood:

http://www.drhorrible.com/index.html

...I should say that this certainly won't be for everyone, but I agree with the principles behind its production. Cinema / Television is an Art form hurt almost beyond worth by its inherent need for expense and investment, and the kind of people that brings with it. Cinema doesn't just have thieves in the temple, thieves own the damned temple. Joss Wheldon has consistently produced interesting and original work within a industry that demands profit and conformity above all else. Though it may not be to everyone's taste, Buffy the Vampire Slayer helped to open the door to a lot of interesting programmes. I honestly don't think you'd have the 'Lost's and 'Sex in the City's without TV shows like Buffy paving the way for more intelligent, and at times, abstract writing on television. If you don't believe me, think about what came before - Dallas, Dynasty.


More music, love is in the air... Saturday Night Live silliness:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/01bf043b8c

And finally, a joke:

LUCKY GIRL

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20---on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully whispered .....
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"Clean my house."

May you all have splendid, fantastic weekends!

Grapevines, Mayfields, Mountains & Valleys and Jammin'

This blog can successfully be split into two distinct halves: Songs and lyrics; and, the half-mad-ramblings of... well, me. What I suggest is this, you can A) just listen to the songs and ignore the ramblings, B) read the ramblings, thus taking the chance that you may find method within my madness, or C) go for the complete 3D, stereophonic, surrond sound, 'we ain't giving you anymore money George Lucas (THX), IMAX experience. The choice is yours.

...or you could just ignore all of it, but which case, what the hell are you doing here?! Get back to work you lazy bum!

Songs for the summer time... decided the songs I've posted so far are not summery enough. As part of my life long pusuit for perfection, this shall now be corrected with the Spice Girls! MC - you can't touch this - Hammer! And of course, those crazy 'life and soul of the party' people, Kraftwerk! ....ok, probably not.

Instead, though I'm sure a musical montage of Ginger, Sporty, Bob, Baby, Ugly, and Fat Spice with Mr Huuuuuuuuge Pants MC Hammer and 'Transvision-Vamp-Euro-Express-High-Auto-Uber-Unter-Hubba-Hubba-Umma-Gumma-Way' Kraftwerk guys (ok, I admit it, I know nothing about Kraftwerk... I even had to google their name to check how to spell it), even though I'm sure a musical montage of all those people would have been 'cool-and-the-gang-disco-fantastic-bobby-dazzler', let's do this instead:

Trying something different. Trying links to deezer.com rather than youtube.com. Recording quality is better. If anyone has trouble linking to it, give me a shout and I'll go back to using youtube.com.

First up, Marvin Gaye's 'I Heard it Through The Grapevine'. Apparently, scientists have proved that this is mathamatically the perfect song. Next they're gonna prove that 'mathematically', Angelina Jolie is attractive... ...ah, scientists. Stating the bleeding obvious for years...

http://www.deezer.com/track/17910



'I Heard it through The Grapevine'


Ooh, I bet you're wondering how I knew
About you're plans to make me blue
With some other guy that you knew before.
Between the two of us guys
You know I love you more.
It took me by surprise I must say,
When I found out yesterday.
Don't you know that...

I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.

I know that a man ain't supposed to cry,
But these tears I can't hold inside.
Losin' you would end my life you see,
Cause you mean that much to me.
You could have told me yourself
That you love someone else.
Instead...

I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.

People say believe half of what you see,
Son, and none of what you hear.
I can't help bein' confused
If it's true please tell me dear?
Do you plan to let me go
For the other guy you loved before?
Don't you know...

I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.



Next, 'Move On Up' by Curtis Mayfield. Two things occured to me as I listened to this song and check the lyrics: One, this really is a very good piece of music; two, Curtis really is very effecient with lyrics. There about five lines in this song Curtis! And it's over 8 minutes long! ....who do you think are? Axel Rose 'Use your Illusion' Era?!


....I realise that some of you might actually be too young to really remember Guns n' Roses (and God that depresses me! I wouldn't mind so much if I actually had a clue about what was going in life, but I still just as confused... and I'm getting older and my taste in music is becoming sh*tter!!! Ce n'est pas juste!), but in between drinking JD & smoking, and having work done by his throat docter... eh... Axel, do you think those two things might be related???? (Idiot), Axel Rose took Guns n' Roses from being the down and dirtest bad-a*se rock band to crawl the Earth (they couldn't walk, they were all too drunk) to being the most bloated, over weight pretenious thing this side of Marlon Brando at the start of 'Superman' (You must not interfere with time my son, it is forbidden. ...eh, I wonder how the movie will end???). Seriously, by the time Axel finishes the new album, 'Chinese Democary', the title will not actually be ironic.


Anyway.... 'Move On Up':


http://www.deezer.com/track/39563

'Move On Up'

Hush now child, and don't you cry
Your folks might understand you by and by
Move on up towards your destination
You may find from time to time complications

Bight your lip and take a trip
Though there may be wet road ahead
You cannot slip
So move on up and peace you will find
Into the steeple of beautiful people
Where there's only one kind

So hush now child and don't you cry
Your folks might understand you by and by
Just move on up and keep on wishing
Remember your dreams are your only schemes
So keep on pushing

Take nothing less - not even second best
And do not obey - you must have your say
You can past the test
Move on up!

I love this song! One of the best, most enlightening moments in my life came in my late teens when I decided it was ok to listen to Motown and to hell with whether it was cool or not! 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' performed by The Supremes and The Temptations:


http://www.deezer.com/track/909811


'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'


Listen, baby
Aint no mountain high
Aint no vally low
Aint no river wide enough, baby

If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
Ill be there in a hurry
You dont have to worry
Cause baby,


There aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you

Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way,some how
Cause baby,

There aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you

No wind, no rain
Or winter’s cold
Can stop me baby
‘Cos you are my all

My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart

If you ever need a helping hand
Ill be there on the double
As fast as I can

Dont you know that
There aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Dont you know that
There aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wide enough





Finally, Bob Marley's 'Jammin'':


http://www.deezer.com/track/1443


'Jammin''


Ooh, yeah! All right!
We're jammin' I wanna jam it wid you.
We're jammin', jammin',
And I hope you like jammin', too.

Ain't no rules, ain't no vow, we can do it anyhow
I'n'I will see you through,
'Cos everyday we pay the price with a little sacrifice,
Jammin' till the jam is through.

We're jammin' -To think that jammin' was a thing of the past;
We're jammin',
And I hope this jam is gonna last.

No bullet can stop us now, we neither beg nor we won't bow;
Neither can be bought nor sold.
We all defend the right; Jah - Jah children must unite:
Your life is worth much more than gold.

We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin')
And we're jammin' in the name of the Lord;
We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin'),
We're jammin' right straight from Yah.

Yeh! Holy Mount Zion;
Holy Mount Zion:
Jah sitteth in Mount Zion
And rules all creation.

Yeah, we're - we're jammin' (wotcha-wa),
Wotcha-wa-wa-wa, we're jammin' (wotcha-wa),
See, I wanna jam it wid you

We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin')
I'm jammed: I hope you're jammin', too.
Jam's about my pride and truth I cannot hide
To keep you satisfied.
True love that now exist is the love I can't resist,
So jam by my side.

We're Jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin'), yeah-eah-eah!
I wanna jam it wid you.

We're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin',We're jammin',
we're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin';
Hope you like jammin', too.

We're jammin', we're jammin' (jammin'),We're jammin', we're jammin' (jammin').
I wanna (I wanna jam it wid you) - I wanna -I wanna jam wid you now.
Jammin', jammin' (hope you like jammin' too).

Eh-eh! I hope you like jammin', I hope you like jammin',
'Cause (I wanna jam it wid you). I wanna ... wid you.
I like - I hope you - I hope you like jammin', too.
I wanna jam it;I wanna jam it.



Bob kinda gets into something at the end there... not exactly sure what the linguistic value of 'watcha-wa' is, but on a serious note, what Artists like Bob Marley were doing was taking a language of colonisation, a language that was forced upon their peoples and their lands and making that language their own.


In my opinion, language is the structure into which we pour that great intangible liquid that is our thoughts. It is what allows us to manipulate concept, relationship cause and effect. Quite simply, if you can't express it linguistically, you can't think it.


When European powers forced their language on people, there were quite literally conquering with language.


As I've taught English to foreign speakers, it has become increasingly clear to me that we do not think the same as each other. We feel the same. We have the same emotions inside all of us, but we do not think the same. Even, in global terms, relatively close languages like English, French and Italian, there are striking differences to the way we connect concepts and reflect the word around us, and what is in our own heads.


When the English took local language away from people, they were denying them the ability to consider the world in their own unique way. If you look at any dominating power in history, it has always attempted to unify the language of the people and lands it dominated. Speak like us, therefore think like us, therefore be like us. Conquest.


Listen to Irish, Scottish and Welsh people speak English. To this day there is a fight taking place between their own culture and this language of colonisation that they speak. Each culture makes the language their own to a degree, and from that comes great creativity. As has been said many times before, most great English language writers are actually Irish (I'd add American to that as well).


I saw an interview with a linguistic talking about Hip Hop and Rap. And he said that, not since Shakespeare had there been so much creativity in the English language. Ultimately, the great strength of English language has been its willingness to adapt, stretch and accommodate different ways of thinking. And, despite our colonial past, the English have, for the most part, not only acceptable these changes, but have also embraced them happily.


I have always been at pains to stress to clients that it is not, in any way, necessary for you to speak English like an English person. We have no interest in hearing you speak English like us (well, most of us anyway – ignore the a*seholes people! Ignore them!). You should speak English in a way that is consistent with the principles of the language, but that reflects your own culture and, ultimately, your own personality.



And now, Timothy Dalton:




...and some b*stard has glued his hands to that table. And he is not bloody happy!

Swear Words, Driving Gays, Carla Do-Dar and Moore, Roger Moore

I just want to apologise for this blog right now. I was smutty mood... and it has rude words in it. And, it has the worst most average 'joke your Dad would make' joke I have ever written on my blog. Bad TobytheTeacher! Naughty! No more Tic Tacs!!


Well, last week we had Saudi Arabia where woman are not allowed to drive.... that's no problem for the women of Italy, but if you're a gay man:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7503861.stm

...I'm trying to work out why being homosexual would make you worse at driving... I mean, if anything, you'd be better at changing gear, no? ...twice the practice, at least.... and as for being able to judge tight parking spaces successfully....


Ah Belarus, where even the refs are drunk at football matches:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7502968.stm

(And the award for most average joke goes to...)

If you think that's bad, you should have seen the crowd...

(Haha! I know, I know... it's awful. But I couldn't think of anything funny to say... it won't happen again, I promise)


Zi First Lady of France, Carla doo-dar (is that her second name?) has a new album out:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7501883.stm

My favourite tracks are as follows: 'I'm bonking the President', 'I know what the President's ding-ding looks like' and 'You'll never believe what the President ask me to do last night. No seriously, it was bizarre' (that last track is a spoken word piece, performed over a free-form jazz number).

Oh! I just thought of another song title, the traditional-French-folk-music-inspired, 'Is that the French Constitution in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?'

(I'm back! My powers are strong again! ...seriously, I'm a short man - humour is all I have!)


All the swear words you'll ever need in English....

Channel 4 (UK TV) asked a group of celebrities what their favourite swear word was, this is the result (obviously, there is a lot of bad language here... in fact, there really is only bad language here, so if you're offended by that, you probably shouldn't watch. Of course, you could watch anyway and be offended, I mean, whatever gets your kicks... as John Lennon put it, 'Whatever gets your through the night, it's alright.'):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJsM1Tl7_jE&NR=1

(And now, the rude words:)

My favourite swear words are 'C*cksucking A*sehole' and 'Kiss my motherf*cking a*se'.

Finally, to finish the tone of this blog off nicely.... Natalie Portman raps (much 'beeping to be found here):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8e6-IeQ0aw

And now, a picture of Roger Moore:

No reason for it. I just wanted him to be there. ...maybe it'll help us men drive better?

Toodle-Pip!

...or, as Roger Moore would say,

'Unless your a beautiful woman of non-specific Mediterranean / East European / South American origin, leave now... or I'll judo-chop you!'

National George Lucas Day

Few people realise it, but it's actually National George Lucas Day here in Luxembourg! Why do the Luxembourgish celebrate National George Lucas Day? Well, it's a little known fact that the creator of Star Wars, George Lucas is actually one tenth Luxembourgish.

Throughout his career, George has made heart felt references to his Luxembourgish heritage:

Many of the 'Alien Languages' spoken in the Star Wars movies are, in fact, variations of Luxembourgish: Luxembourgish backwards, Luxembourgish with the syllables rearranged, Luxembourgish with particular phonetics replaced with phonetics that make up the names of famous Luxembourgish beers (Boff, Mou, Mon, Batt, Alt, Kirch) and in the case of Jabba The Hut, he is just speaking Luxembourgish.

The famous Star Wars canteen scene is actually based on a real bar that can be found in Differdange. And the canteen music is the Luxembourgish National Anthem played backwards and faster.

There are other more subtle Luxembourgish social references to be found in the films of George Lucas: The uniforms of the Imperial Offices on the Death Star are not dissimilar to the hats and boots worn by the Luxembourgish Police. And the line 'use the force' is actually taken from the Luxembourgish driving course, where instead of the 'Mirror, Signal, Maneuver' approach to turning of roads common in many nations, Luxembourgish drivers are encouraged to 'use the force', shut their eyes, break and turn without giving any thought to indicating.

'Oodles of Star Wars related silliness on the Internet, so much to choose from:

First of all a classic, Star Wars in 30secs done by bunnies:

http://www.angryalien.com/1205/starwarsbuns.asp

This is not so much funny, as just impressively well done - Kill Bill meets Star Wars:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD9-tFTifY8


'George Lucas in Love', awarding winning short film. Not so short though, ten minutes... maybe one for a home, rather than the office. I'd hate to be the reason productivity in Luxembourg... ...well, probably...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfthCXJnTyE


And finally, what would National George Lucas day be with a clip from the Mel Brook's film 'SpaceBalls':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTAZgjelNbA&feature=related

One of my comedy favourite lines is in 'Space Balls':

'Will we meet again?'
'Perhaps, in Space Balls 2, the search for more money.'


That be that. May your weeks start well and with a relative lack of hassle or strive.

Risk, Shoes, Darth Vader and Blondes

Afternoon all!

It's been a grueling day of messing about with my brother... a hard fought competition at 'Risk' led to my total world domination (an omen of things to come in real life?), at which point my brother announced that the game was 'stupid', I was 'stupid' and everything in the world was 'stupid'.

...I have felt like saying similar things on occasion in regard to my job, but I keep it all inside, all inside.

Ah, Saudi Arabia... where women can't drive cars, but men can spend large amounts of money 'pimping' their cars....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7498634.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7497804.stm

...still, I guess it could be worse... they could be pimping their wives... oh no wait, do they do that as well??

Staying on the subject of women: shoes. Good news girls! All you need to do is fall over when wearing heels and you can sue the shop... never need work again!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/jul/09/consumeraffairs.fashion

...a little sexist if you ask me. I mean, what are us men supposed to do? I guess we could all start cross-dressing.... ....I suppose wearing a dress is a lot cooler in the summer, no?


To bring the blog back to its much more accustomed tone - The Dark Knight is on his way back:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8PPh-C9pRU

...in this modern age of slick, stylish, uber-cool Batmans, it easy to forget those early days back in the 60s:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGWmJPToolM

I'll never be able to watch the film 'Rocky' in the same way again. I'd forgotten that the same actor who played Rocky's 'he's a wrecking machine!' trainer, also played The Penguin. ...wow, that would have been a weird scene: if Rocky had chased the chicken around, whilst his trainer was dressed as The Penguin... 'Wak Wak Wak! Get him Rocky! He's a chicken chasing machine!'

Meanwhile, in space, Darth Vader has had a bad day at the office... and he's decided to be a jerk:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YwLQSTo_ow

Finally, A blonde joke courtesy of my friend Yvonne, wait a minute.... I'm blonde! Is she trying say something?! Have yourself happy, 'blonde free' weekends!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh
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'.Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Bush Vs Silvio, Office Vocab, Dylan, Snow and The Who?

Good Morning Good Morning :)

A mixture of things for today....

Firstly, Ooops!, President Bush has been saying nasty things about my favourite singer - eh, I mean politian Silvio Berlusconi:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7495754.stm

'Amateur'? 'hated by many'? I always throught Silvio had quite a nice singing voice... no Pavarotti, it's true... but certainly a pretty good Eros Ramazzotti! ...speaking of which, Eros and Tina:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZIoxw0ca9E

...uh, I've got a bit of a hangover (out drinking last night). I need to turn that off... it's making my head hurt. I need to find some decent English music...

...but before that, business expressions people love to hate:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7457287.stm

...I'm still trying to find my current personal favourite: 'in line'. I don't need to say names, you people know who you are! ;)

Ah! English music. As I said, bit of a headache this morning so some lighter tones...

First, The Who with 'Behind Blue Eyes'. Cool video as well, I thought the pictures might help you pick out and understand the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCI5Z43MJ0w

'Behind Blue Eyes'

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

This could be a bit of a vocab challenge, Bob Dylan 'Subterranean Home Sick Blues':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-xIulyVsG8

..again a helpful video with Cue Cards! Lyrics follow:

'Subterranean Home Sick Blues'

Johnnys in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
Im on the pavement
Thinking about the government
The man in the trench coat
Badge out, laid off
Says hes got a bad cough
Wants to get it paid off
Look out kid
Its somethin you did
God knows when
But youre doin it again
You better duck down the alley way
Lookin for a new friend
The man in the coon-skin cap
In the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten

Maggie comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin that the heat put
Plants in the bed but
The phones tapped anyway
Maggie says that many say
They must bust in early may
Orders from the d. a.

Look out kid
Dont matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Dont try no doz
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You dont need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows

Get sick, get well
Hang around a ink well
Ring bell, hard to tell
If anything is goin to sell
Try hard, get barred
Get back, write braille
Get jailed, jump bail
Join the army, if you fail
Look out kid
Youre gonna get hit
But losers, cheaters
Six-time users
Hang around the theaters
Girl by the whirlpool
Lookin for a new fool
Dont follow leaders
Watch the parkin meters

Ah get born, keep warm
Short pants, romance, learn to dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Try to be a success
Please her, please him, buy gifts
Dont steal, dont lift
Twenty years of schoolin
And they put you on the day shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Dont wear sandals
Try to avoid the scandals
Dont wanna be a bum
You better chew gum
The pump dont work
Cause the vandals took the handles

....Dylan is one of the few songwriters who's lyrics actually stand on their own as pieces of poetry. It's damned impressive.

Finally, Snow Patrol's 'Open Your Eyes':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybr8Z6pzVs0

The video is taken from a short French film called 'C'était un rendez-vous'. My French is not great, but I think that translates as 'There was a roundabout'. No wait... is that right? ...Anyway for more info wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C%27%C3%A9tait_un_rendez-vous

'Open your Eyes'

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x4]

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x8]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

...That be that! Remember to fight the power, keep it real and never, ever, take any gut from the truckers! :)

National Tom Cruise Day!

Few people realise this, but 7th July is actually National Tom Cruise Day in Luxembourg. Why do the Luxembourgish celebrate National Tom Cruise Day, I hear you all ask? ...well, it is a little known fact that Tom Cruise is actually one tenth (1/10) Luxembourgish. Of course, this makes up a far smaller 'people part' in Tom than it would in, say, a normal sized person... but it is of great importance to both Tom and the Luxembourgish people.

Throughout his career, Tom has made subtle but heartfelt references to his Luxembourgish heritage: If you play the famous 'Show me the money' line backwards, you will, in fact, hear 'Moyen! Wéi geet et dir?'.

In the movie Top Gun, Tom suggested some dialogue changes from the bottom of his one tenth Luxembourgish heart: In the case of the famous line, 'I feel the need, the need for speed'. Tom wanted to say, 'I feel the need, the need for Bofferding.' And in the famous 'she's lost that loving feeling' scene, Tom tried the scene a couple of times singing the Luxembourgish National Anthem instead.

In the recent Michael Mann movie, 'Collateral', Tom wanted to take the script in a radical new direction where instead of being driven around in a LA taxi, Tom wanted to use a Luxembourgish bus and Luxembourgish bus driver. Tom had a fantastic scene in mind where he and the Luxembourgish bus driver would argue as to whether Tom had the corrected paperwork from the commune to travel around the city killing people.

Of course, along with his genetic links to Luxembourg, the country of Luxembourg is one of the few countries where Tom feels proportionally the right size, relative to the size of nation he is in.

Some Tom Cruise related links now, to celebrate this important national day:

First, Tom and his stunt double Tom Crooze. A fascinating insight into the creative process behind Mission Impossible II. And it comes complete with Italian sub-titles for all you who parle italiano:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgbdx4JjTE0&feature=related



Some times Tom can be a complex and vengeful man. Oprah found out just how much:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku2bFoqthR4&feature=related



Finally, the Tom Cruise song. Did you know he had a song? I didn't, but once I found out... I had to share it with you all:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1YBbj_AplM


I hope you all have a great National Tom Cruise Day! Or as Tom would say, 'I feel the need, the need for a National Tom Cruise Day!' ...or, 'Show me the National Tom Cruise Day!' ...or, 'You had me at National Tom Cruise Day.'

Gay Top Gun, Men having babies and Bobby Dazzler

More Pop Culture for Friday....

Few have taken Pop Culture further and made it more than own than Quentin Tarantino, here he explains why the Tom Cruise movie 'Top Gun' is gay:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyN8VN4BSzM


Meanwhile in America.... eh... I'm confused - Man has baby! Seriously guys, if there's one thing we're just better off letting women do... oh no wait, he used to be a woman... it makes sense now. No, wait... does it?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7488894.stm

...you want to be a man, but you want to have babies - wait! There's a Monty Python sketch that covers this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBOQzSk14c

...you've gotta worry when real life and Monty Python start coming together.


TobytheTeacher's English word for the weekend: 'Bobby Dazzler'.

Definition: A person or thing that is most excellent.

Usage: 'This new Fiat Punto is bobby dazzler!' or 'TobytheTeacher's blogs are so funny. He's bobby dazzler'.


May you all have bobby dazzler weekends! :)

Toby.

Paperback Writer and Jumpin' Jack Flash

Pop Culture! Pop Culture! Pop Culture!

Pop culture is an important part of the way native English speakers speak their language. It various from nation to nation and, of course, depends on an individual's age, sex and personal tastes. If you want to be able to speak the language in a way that reflects its true culture and personality, you have to 'get with' our pop culture.

From 'Don't have a cow man' (Bart Simpson) to 'What-Ever' (Friends) to 'I'm too old for this sh*t' (Lethal Weapon) to 'I have a cunning plan' (Blackadder) ...from 'You don't always get what you want, but you get what you need' (The Rolling Stones) to 'All you need is love' (The Beatles) to 'If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends' (The Spice Girls)

...lines from films, TV and music work their way into the English language. More so for Cinema junkies like myself, but a factor for most, if not all native speakers.

So, it be time to begin your education in pop culture:

First of all, and for my buddie Yvonne who, by the sounds of it, is having a hard time writing this week - The Beatles' Paperback Writer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaYJaFWTHgM&feature=related

...and for those of you who need the practice, the lyrics:

Paperback writer

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
Based on a novel by a man named Lear
And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

It's the dirty story of a dirty man
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
His son is working for the Daily Mail,
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

Paperback writer

It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I can make it longer if you like the style,
I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it, you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

Paperback writer

Paperback writer - paperback writer
Paperback writer - paperback writer

On the other side of British pop, The Rolling Stones 'Jumpin' Jack Flash':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAqtsNWkpUk

'Jumpin' Jack Flash'

Watch it!
I was born in a cross-fire hurricane
And I howled at my ma in the driving rain,
But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas!
But it's all right. I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!

I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag,
I was schooled with a strap right across my back,
But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas!
But it's all right, I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!

I was drowned, I was washed up and left for dead.
I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled.
I frowned at the crumbs of a crust of bread.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I was crowned with a spike right thru my head.
But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas!
But it's all right, I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!

Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas
Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas
Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas
Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas

...I should say that the videos are very, well, late 60s... magical time in music video production. ;)

Have fun, learn you lyrics and remember... it's ok to sing your offices. It helps productivity.

Test your English, The Great Man, oh and President Sarkozy...

Mon dieu! President Sarkozy is being sarky again....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7484564.stm

I couldn't get the video to work, but you can find the complete video here.... to be honest, it's very long and, in total, not very interesting... now, if he had been hit by a piano or something - that would have been interesting. ...like on the roadrunner cartoons, a grand piano falls from the sky and lands on him:

http://www.dailymotion.com/fr/cluster/news/featured/video/x5yyb9_sarkozy-en-off-sur-france-3_news


Test your English:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4246472.stm

I got 16 / 20... but two of them were careless mistakes.... and then I'm kind of tired this morning - plus they're building a house opposite my flat - it's distracting. And then there's music the workers are listening to.... so much Phil Collins! ....so really, it's like 22 / 20, when you think about it. ;)


Finally, and none of you will be interested in this, but.... the great man himself. 'Le Shate', as he is known in France. 'Lo Shatto', as the Italians refer to him. 'Il Shatto magnifico', his Mexian name. 'Um Shat Doh (the man of a thousand pauses)' as the Thai people call him. ...William Shatner:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7482823.stm


Why is Willian Shatner great? ...because he keeps trying. He's a performer who has been under-estimated and under-valued his whole career. From his time on Star Trek as Captain Kirk, through TJ Hooker to the present day. He has been the subject of ridicule, even abuse. But at the end of the day, all he has ever tried to do is entertain.

There's telling line in that interview. When asked if there were any roles he regretted not taking, he replies, 'I can't think of any that I did not accept. There are a few that I accepted that I wish I hadn't.' Shatner took the chances that came his way. He didn't sit back, safe from the possibility of looking stupid or failing. He tried. And, on occasion, he failed. And, on occasion, he looked stupid. But he kept trying. A lesson in there for all of us, no?

Of course... we probably shouldn't take singing lessons from him ;)

Some poetic ramblings of mine, from many a month back, on the subject of Mr Shatner....


‘Shatner’


Poetic commotion, misplaced devotion

Syntax? Epileptic, drunken through the eyes of William!

Structure swallowed, emotions borrowed
And
Backwards followed, the insignificant emphasised, the important passed-by

Lucy is in the sky

I!
Hit her, with my, rocket
Man!

Monumentally average
Spoken cheese jazz sandwich
Spells

Self delusional to the point of clarity
Hilarity by pathos
Aimless and, thus, always on
Target
Never meant to be forever
Egotistical in his self-deprecation
Resplendent


Miscarried pause

Shatner.

Stupid, Drunk Cycling, Post Feminist Back Lashes and Comedy Classics

Well... I discovered a new level of 'stupid' today. Today I had to write an evaluation report for a client who had already left the company in question three months before the course finished. Nice.

Perhaps I could start writing evaluation reports for imaginary clients? Or clients I am yet to teach? I could see employees in the corridors of the companies I teach and just evaluate them.

I mean, as long as people have their paperwork - what does it really matter?


Fortunately, Luxembourg is not the only place where stupidity is taking place:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7482551.stm

...more crazy Swedish antics! Love that... rowing home drunk. Have you ever tried to cycle home drunk? I did that once... after drinking a lot of corona and tequila and eating a lot of Mexican food... it was not the best plan....


In a futile attempt to demonstrate I'm not just an imaginary evaluation report writing drunk cyclist, an article about post-Feminist backlash in the UK:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jul/01/gender.women


Finally, I don't know about the rest of you, but I need a good laugh... comedy classic: The Landlord:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74


On the flip side and all that!