Blue Monday

The Eurozone is going to shrink by 1.9%

Arrh!!!! Where will 1.9% of us live?!?!

Apparently January 19th (Blue Monday) is the most depressing day of the year...

So... to cheer you all up, my favourite monkey joke:

- Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

- So they can hide in cherry trees.

Wait for it...

- What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

- The monkeys picking cherries.

And if that hasn't help - I will survive:

Los Lyrics:

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

Obviously, as a soul-tortured artist, relationships are not an option for me, but let me see if I've understood this...


Daily Habit 1 - Talk to Each Other:

'Honey, I think you're fat', Bob says to Claire. To which Claire replies, 'Well Bob, your penis is small and seldom satisfies me.'

Daily Habit 2 - Flirt:

'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' 'I'm cooking dinner Bob.'

Daily Habit 3 - Get Stupid Together:

'Bob - I dare you to catch this knife!'

Daily Habit 4 - Declare your Independence:

'We hold these truths to be self-evident..'

Daily Habit 5 - Share a Spiritual Moment:

'Bacardi?'

British Citizenship Test

New plans for the British Citizenship Test have been announced


TobytheTeacher's British Citizenship Test:

1. What do British people eat for dinner?

a) Fish n' Chips
b) Chicken Curry
c) Beer

2. Is the Queen..

a) God's voice upon this Earth
b) A Corgi-Pimp
c) The most Bobby-Dazzler Disco-Fantastic Person in the world

3. Did Shakespeare write..

a) 4 Weddings and a funeral (Brit-Flick-Chick-Flick-Middle-Class-Tosh)
b) Hamlet
c) All the Take That songs

3. How many reality TV shows can the average British Citizen watch a week?

a) 2
b) 10
c) How many you got?

4. Is Diego Maradona..

a) A great sportsman and a role model to all the children of the world
b) 98% cocaine
c) A fat-cheating-volleyball-playing-cocaine-addicted-organised-crime-associating-with-jumped-up-mock-God-fearing-f*ck-face

5. Is the first line of the British National Anthem..

a) God save our gracious Queen
b) God save Freddy Mercury
c) Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!

6. When going to the toilet do you say to your friends..

a) I gotta drain the lizard
b) ME! GO PEE-PEE!
c) Would you excuse me? - I have to use the Winston Churchill

7. In the Winter, do the British have..

a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Cold rain

8. In the Summer, do the British have..

a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Warm rain

9. Do British people believe in..

a) One of the three major monotheistic spiritualities
b) The healing power of laughter
c) Capitalism - aka: Nothing

10. How do British people see other Europeans?

a) Smelly ill-mannered Johnny-Foreigners
b) European Brothers and Sisters of equal worth and measure
c) People for fighting and football


..for British Citizenship please send your answers to:

The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
UK (the centre of the universe)

Ronaldo Vs UFO

The world most successful Thai-Lady-Boy, Cristiano Ronaldo crashed one of his Ferrari's.

Unconfirmed reports say that at the time of the crash, Cristiano was practising his magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick.

Did this distract Cristiano? Only the he knows.

Meanwhile else wheres in England: a UFO is suspected of damaging a wind farm.

UFO? ..Or Cristiano Ronaldo flying his private jet at the same time as practising his aforementioned magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick?

Only Cristiano knows.

Wife Sets Fire to Husband's Penis

Ouch!
Look out guys!!
Don't cheat on your wife or girlfriend or this might happen!!!

She just wanted to burn his penis so it belonged to her and no one else?! What the flaming ding-dong was she going to do with it afterwards?!

Girls, seriously, if you hate a guy enough to set fire to his John-Thomas, maybe you should just leave him?

The woman has been held in Police custody pending the results of a psychological assessment. They need to wait for a psychological assessment?!

SHE SET FIRE TO HER HUSBAND'S KINDER BUENO - SHE'S BONKERS!!!

Cheating on women is wrong, but so is setting fire to his 'meat and two veg', his captain fantastic, his caped crusader, his little general, his pocket rocket, his one eyed trouser snake, his rod, his magic wand, his voiture d'amour, his wang, his wife's best friend... oh no wait, that one doesn't work.

Italian Christmas Witch Day

It's Italian Christmas Witch Day!

Who is the Italian Christmas Witch I hear you ask? Find out here.

To celebrate Italian Christmas Witch day here are some traditional English language stories about the Italian Christmas Witch...

- wait a minute! There are no traditional English language storys!! Oh well, here are some Family Guy videos about Italians instead:

Cutting in Line in front of Italians

Peter thinks he can speak Italian because he has a moustache

..and finally, Monty Python's Italian lessons - which I've posted before, but I like it!

Toodle-Italian-Christmas-Witch-Pip!