No God, Crazy Swedes, New Job Titles and Jokes for Kids

Hello Hello, Greetings, Salutations, De-embarkations and lost reservations,


Scientists in Europe has decided to spend $5.8 dollars disproving the existence of God:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080628/ap_on_re_eu/doomsday_collider


...in theory this machine will prove that the 'Big Bang Theory' is correct. In will, in effect, tell us why we are all here - at least in a physical sense. And so, as with Sun or Moon Gods of yesteryear who were forgotten once we understood concepts like orbit, so it should be with Creation Gods.

Scientific proof that there was no six days and then one of rest, which when you think about it, is kind of strange as God could have made the Earth orbit further from the sun and thus had an eight day week and two days off. ...or he could have made the Earth larger, thereby making it's own rotation slower - meaning that each day would have been longer, which, in turn, would mean that he could have had more time on each day, and probably got the job done in - say - four days instead of six.

Don't get me wrong... I don't actually expect anything to change. I don't expect the Pope to say, 'Well, that's it, I guess. I'll just collect my things and I'll be out here... is it ok if I keep the big hat?'

...but social change has, in my opinion, always been driven by technology - not people, not religion, not Art. Fire changed the world. The wheel changed the world. The Romans with roads, The British with railways and ships, The Americans with airplanes and the bomb.

Tangible proof that there is no God within all our lifetimes. Potentially the most important technological advancement since human beings first learned how to harness that bright, shiny thing that burnt their hands when they tried to touch it... no?


I don't know about the rest of you, but I've long since suspected that The Swedish were, well, better than the rest of us. More democratic, more socially enlightened, really good furniture for affordable prices... but it turns out, they're just as insane as rest of us:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7479758.stm

...this reminds me of a conversation I was having with a Swede, when I was describing my job to them and they said, 'Oh you're like a linguistic consultant', and I said, 'No. I'm a f**king English teacher.'

Fancy job titles for the same pay... I wonder how far you could take it?

Toby Davis - Pan-Galactic Supreme Over-Lord of English, Omni-Dimensional Purveyor of Grammar, Grand-High-Inquisitor of Syntax, Supreme Master of the Semi Colon, Vocabulary Arch-Cardinal, Idiom-Wizard of the low and the high brow, manipulator and orchestrator of clauses, Trans-Siberian Ruler of Conjunctions, the Preposition Pimp, Reverse-Temporal Cross-Conceptual Ultra-Flexible Uber-Introspectional One Hundred and Ten Percent All Across the Universe Jumping Jack Flash Once Upon a Time in the West Cool Hand Luke f**king English Teacher.

Jokes for kids, part II:

Q. What has four legs but can't walk?
A. A table!

Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station!

Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
A. You crack me up!

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!

Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle?
A. He wanted a light snack!

Q. Why is the letter "G" scary?
A. It turns a host into a ghost

Q. What has 4 eyes but no face?
A. Mississippi!

Q. What did the spider do on the computer?
A. Made a website!

Q. What letters are not in the alphabet?
A. The ones in the mail, of course!

Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 789!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. Because it felt crummy.

Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A. A little horse

Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A. Nacho Cheese

Q. Why did the sheep say "moo"?
A. It was learning a new language!

Q. What streets do ghosts haunt?
A. Dead ends!

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!

Q. What exam do young witches have to pass?
A. A spell-ing test!

Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A. Because you dribble on the floor!

Weird Al, Alanis, Boxes and The Bright Side of Life

Ah Friday,


After a long week of exciting exciting paperwork... seriously, when I die and - inevitably - go to hell for my sins, I will spend the rest of eternity doing evaluation reports... apart from on Saturdays, where I will be made to go shopping at Auchan. ...but there will only be old people in Auchan... hundreds and hundreds of old people... wandering aimlessly... stopping their trolleys right in the middle of ails so nobody can get past.... insisting on having actual conversations with the people working the check-out tills... ...sometimes I miss England, where people are too rude and too busy spending money to have actual conversations with strangers... or even their friends, or members of their family.... beautiful.


Anyway... the week of exciting exciting rock n' roll born to be wild paperwork has convinced me that there's just not enough music in our lives....

Weird Al doing 'White and Nerdy':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw


...Not so much as funny, as impressive... Alanis Morissette covering the Black Eyed Peas song 'My Humps'. I like how much she changes the effect of the song, just by singing it differently:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W91sqAs-_-g


...guys have you ever had trouble knowing what to get that special girl? What kind of present will say to her, just how much you love her? Saturday Night Live has the answer:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a172cd0ec6


...and finally, Python looking on the bright side of life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

May your weekends be paperwork and old people free!

Evolution, Short Stories and Jokes for Kids!

Hello Hello,

Worry not, we shall not be mentioning the 'F' word here today ;)

First of all, good news for French....

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080620/sc_livescience/sarcasmseenasevolutionarysurvivalskill

...apparently, sarcasm is a necessary part of our evolution. Does this mean that the French are the most evolved of all of us??? And if so, what does that make the Germans? hihi.


Secondly, short stories. My brother passed his first year of actually being taught in mother-tongue (rather than being taught in the fun fun German) with a 9/10 in English. And since in life, the only reward for hardwork is yet more hardwork, we're doing 'a book club' with short stories for the summer.

I thought it might be a good way for some of you to practice reading in English. Small chunks and all:

http://www.classicreader.com/short-stories.php


And finally, and suitable for all our collective mental ages I think, jokes for kids. These actually might be a bit of a tester, as many of them are 'plays on words':

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!

Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Spain Vs Italy, E'Spiderman Vs The Italian Spiderman and words of wisdom

In prepartion for Sunday.....

Spain Vs Italy

I give you all 'E'spiderman (the Spanish Spiderman)' Vs 'The Italian Spiderman':

E'spiderman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDJ1rD2OJQk&feature=related


Italian Spiderman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhHhXukovMU

Really, I have no idea is this is meant to be serious or not... I mean they were all taking a lot drugs back in then... and there's nothing in this world quite like Italian Expoltation Cinema. It's a magical cinematic experience all of its own.


And finally, some actual English practise, something forwarded to me by my bestest buddie in the whole wide world, Yvonne, if you're interest you can check out her blog here:

http://ithadbetterbegood.blogspot.com/

It's filled with interesting observations and stories about life in Dublin and trying to write your first novel. She also writes some pretty damned nifty travel pieces for those of you who like travelling, links to which can be found here:

http://www.yvonnereilly.com/?page_id=5


And now, the English practise...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just f*** off and leave me alone.

2. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

15. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The Day After The Night Before...

A bad night for the French....

...but a good night for the Italians.

Match reports for those who want them (you don't need to look French people):

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/euro_2008/7363384.stm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/jun/18/euro2008.france

...and for all zi French, a little bit of comedy wiv 'zos crazy Monty Python guys.... zi flying sheep:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oinL7mwt1zc

And for those of you who simply do not care about all this football malarky.... Chimp Sex:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080618/ts_afp/britainugandaanimalssex

The day has arrived....

Ah... the day has arrived....

Italy Vs France

Silvio Berlusconi Vs Nicolas Sarkozy

Eros Ramazzotti Vs Jean Michelle Jarre

Fiat Vs Citroen

Romans Vs Asterix

Eh... ...Mozzerella Vs Brie

Links Links Links:


http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/euro_2008/italy/7457863.stm



http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/jun/16/euro2008groupc.euro2008

Clint Eastwood, Culture and Sleep

Culture Culture Culture....

For those of you who like to read, and like to listen, the BBC world book club....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/programmes/world_book_club.shtml


For those of you who work in Marketing, a piece about TV advertising....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/7453357.stm


For those of you who enjoy cinema, an interview with Clint Eastwood, a filmmaker who has quietly gone about building a body of work that would rival most of the, far more acclaimed, cinema masters...

http://film.guardian.co.uk/interview/interviewpages/0,,2283921,00.html

TobytheTeacher's entirely unscientific list of five Clint Eastwood movies you should all sell your last Tic Tac to see:

The Outlaw Josey Wales

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/outlaw_josey_wales/

Unforgiven

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1041911-unforgiven/

Million Dollar Baby

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/million_dollar_baby/

Letters from Iwo Jima*

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/letters_from_iwo_jima/

*though I would watch 'Flags of our Fathers' first. The contrast between the two is interesting.

Heartbreak Ridge

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/heartbreak_ridge/

Always bold, always telling it straight, and more often than not, funny, Clint Eastwood movies rank amoung some of the most important and entertaining American movies ever made.


And finally, a poem that I wrote back in April. It's written in a form I came up with and was playing around with. The form is called 'name form', details are as follows....

The form describes a concept or object. The first letter of each line spells the concept / object in question. The last word of each line rhymes with the concept / object in question. Each line has the same number of syllables as the concept / object in question has letters.

Each line is a description / metaphor of the concept / object in question.

The final line of the poem is a stand alone line that consists of only one word, the word in question (this is the only time in the poem the word in question can be used).

The word in question also forms the title of the poem. Thus,

‘Sleep’

Sunday morning streets
Leaves that bed down deep
Elephants heaped
Effortless moon-leaps
Pressure off my feet

Sleep


TobytheTeacher

MTV, Jean Claude, Moses and Italian Classes with Monty Python

'ello,

Ok... I was going to try for some more culture today... try to find something intelligent to post... but, it didn't work out. ...so instead, for Friday, a collection of comedy videos from present and past. Practice your English while laughing:

From the 2008 MTV movie awards, Robert Downey Jr, Jack Black and Ben Stiller go viral...

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4a4a8a64ff

From a way back now, Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme in a heart felt emotional drama...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOXI5c88HbM

A comedy classic and my favourite comment on scripture ever, Mel Brooks as Moses...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L940yIeVZzE

And finally, Italian classes Monty Python style:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9TVYCffHEE

May your weekends be sweet and plentiful! :)

Toby.

Reading Help, Shakespeare and Culture You Monkeys!

In the midst of all this football, it might be a good idea to return to some culture....

Reading Practise:

First Chapters:

This website has the first chapters of various new books for you to read. It might be useful to check out a new English language book, before trying to read it....

http://www.nytimes.com/pages/books/chapters/index.html

...or it may just serve as a shorter way to practise reading a little.


Books designed for foreign speakers:

This ridiculously long link below will take you to a list of English books that have been simplified for foreign speakers. Each book should have the appropriate level in brackets after it (if you're not sure which level is applicable to you, ask me).

http://www.amazon.co.uk/english-Language-Readers-as-Foreign-Books/s/ref=sr_nr_n_10?ie=UTF8&rs=714256&keywords=english&bbn=714266&rnid=714256&rh=n%3A266239%2Ck%3Aenglish%2Cn%3A275738%2Cn%3A714256%2Cn%3A714266

You may not want to buy via amazon.co.uk, but you can use the ISBN numbers etc to order the books from somewhere else.


The Big Read

For more ideas of what to read... A few years back, the BBC did a survey to find the UK's favourite book. Here are the results:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/bigread/top100.shtml

Curiously, my favourite book, 'The Mega Monkey Madness Manual' (a 100 page collection of hilarious monkey pictures) did not make the list! Perhaps it was number 101...

Finally.... The Bard:

'What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action, how like an angel! In apprehension, how like a god! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither...'

Hamlet, Act Two, Scene Two.

Italy Vs Holland - TobytheTeacher's Match Report

Oh Italian People! Italian People!

I'm so sorry! Not a good night for the people of the Tic Tac and the Pasta!

I'm sure you will not want to read them, but here are the match reports....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/euro_2008/7363339.stm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/jun/09/euro2008.euro2008groupc2

...perhaps you could print them out and then burn them!

The night was not all bad for those south of the Olive Line, Les Français did ok...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/euro_2008/7363325.stm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/jun/09/euro2008.euro2008groupc3

And I was reminded of just how much Del Piero looks like Bruce Springsten! Seriously, check it out:

...which one is which???? Wait... maybe it is like Superman and Clarke Kent? Has anybody ever seen the two of them in the same room at the same time???

TobytheTeacher's Italian Player of the match was the Italian guy sitting in the front row at Oscar Wilde's who 'flipped the bird' at a table of Dutch supporters as they started celebrating Holland's third goal. This would be impressive enough if it was a parting gesture, but he came back! - excellent. I supsect there's some English in him somewhere! ;)

Right... I better sleep... something about teaching business English tomorrow morning on Cloche D'or - seriously, how long does it take to drive across town first thing in the morning!!!!

Ciao Ciao :)

Toby.

Football, who I think the English should support, monty Python and Panda Sex

Good Morning!


Right, I guess I'd better muster some excitement for this 'ere football tournament...

For all your English practise / football needs:


For those pasta eating boys that'll dive as soon as you breath on them:


http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/euro_2008/italy/default.stm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/italy


And for those garlic smelling chaps who'd, lets face it, rather be riding their bicycles or playing rugby:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/euro_2008/france/default.stm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/france


...can't seem to find a web page for England. I wonder why???


As an Englishman, the decision as to which team to support during these finals was a difficult one. The Guardian ran their own poll, sorry French and Italian people, apparently I should be supporting the Dutch:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/poll/2008/may/30/euro2008.chooseateam

...but I've never been one to follow convention or the crowd. Never been one to just do something because others do it. Never one to take the easy way. ...so I've had a look at all the times in the competition. I've taken a close look at their players, tactics and form. I've also considered my personal feelings towards the various countries and, in some cases, the people I know from those countries... and based on all of this, for Euro 2008, I have decided to support:







Red Cards. ...yes, that's right. I wanna see red cards! At the end of the tournament, I want red cards to be the winner! :)

Staying with football.... a blast from the past: to my memory the coolest use of football in an advert, Nike's ad with the Brazilian team at the airport:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbFmK4zZ9Ys

From the cool to the, well, English... Monty Python's Philosophers' Football Match:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92vV3QGagck


And for those of you who can not stand football - Panda Sex:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7438975.stm

...apparently, as the male panda pursues her, the female panda climbs a tree to feel safe. Guys, don't you just hate it when a girl does that? ...it's usually a bad sign ;)


Bouna fortuna per questa sera! / Bonne chance pour ce soir!

Toby.

Chuck Norris, Six Brains and Global Domination

Good Morning,

How goes it?

I have decided that my wisdom must be shared with the world... (whether the world likes it or not) ...to this ends, my ramblings can now be found here:

http://tobytheteacher.blogspot.com/

And, in further extension of my soon, and let's face it inevitable, global domination, at a facebook profile that I have no idea how to create a link for... maybe you can't? I wanted to call myself 'Toby The Teacher' but boring boring face book only allows 'real' names, so I called myself 'Toby Isambard Kingdom Brunel Ubekistan Davis'. Sounded reasonable to me.

Right! Back to the ramblings....

Apparently, according to Carla, Nicolas Sarkovy has five or even sixbrains... yeah, but do any of them work?! ;)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7438181.stm


Ah... yet more proof that drinking booze is a good idea. Not only doesit make other people more interesting, help us forget about the mindnumbing tedium that is capitalism and make the act of eating Englishfood bearable (well, nearly)... it also has health benefits:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7435002.stm


Finally, I think it's about time we all had a bit of Chuck Norris in ourlives:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIgey9NLdhk

On the flipside!

Toby.

Vital Summer Holiday Related Info

Guten Tag,

You should probably all make a note of this for the summer... A GermanNewspaper has printed a list of holiday destinations that should be avoided, if you don't want to spend time with the English:

news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7433905.stm

....apparently, we're beer drinking, cultureless, yobs with no sense of fashion, abbility at football and have the worst cuisine in the world. Ok, at least one of those is not totally true.... We used to have culture: Shakespeare, The Beatles. We just don't have culture anymore... Pop Idol, Vicky Beckham...

...not sure German people should be telling the English we have no sense of fashion. I mean, the typical English person doesn't... but come on! I've seen the way German people dress! And the haircuts... there are haircuts in Germany that have not existed in other countries since the80s (with the exception of the deep south of America and Micheal Bolton,that is).

Did you know that Micheal Bolton's hair pre-dates the dinosaurs? True story. Scientists have found fossilized tracks in Africa that can only have been made by Micheal Bolton's hair. In fact, the only living thing on Earth that is older than Micheal Bolton is Silvio Berlusconi.

Here is a picture of Mr Berlusconi receiving a trophy for 'The WorldsOldest Man':

...Those younger men that you see standing around him are his personal blood doners. Silvio must replace all of his blood every 2hrs and23mins in order to stay alive. Many people believe that the original Dracula legend was based on and inspired by Silvio Berlusconi. I think we can all agree, there's strong resemblance:

Bis Bald!

Toby.

City, Sex and Heat

Hello,

It's hot people. Hot like the sun. Hot like the sun on a warm day. Hot like the sun on a warm day at the height of summer. Hot like the sun on a warm day at the height of summer and you're wearing too manyclothes. Hot like the sun on a warm day at the height of summer andyou're wearing too many clothes... and they're winter clothes. Hot like the sun on a warm day at the height of summer and you're wearing too many clothes... and they're winter clothes, and someone has set your head on fire. Hot like... you get the point.

Apparently, some girls are having sex in a city:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3512669.stm

..I've read the review and it sounds a lot like the Arnold Schwarzenegger film 'Commando'. The girls go shopping - Arnold goes shopping... for guns, grenades and a rocket launcher. The girls get dressed up - Arnold gets dressed up... with guns, grenades and a rocket launcher. The girls face challanges - Arnold faces an army of Southern American Facist Terrorist Freedom Fighters (a challenge). One (or more?) of the girls learn to be parents - Arnold learns to be a good parent by saving his daughter from the aforementioned South American Facist Terrorist Freedom Fighters (he does this by killing many hundreds of human beings, but the principle is the same).

For more info on Commando:

http://www.badmovies.org/othermovies/commando/

Right, once more onto the heat dear friends, once more...

Toby.

Shakespeare, Feta Cheese and Garbage Trucks Backing Up

It's Friiiiiiday!!!

Did you know that the word 'Friday' comes from an ancient Greek tradition? ...The Greeks would mark the end of the working week by frying theirweekly calendars in large metallic pans. Each Greek would have they ownweekly calendar, where they would write down their weekly tasks or jobs.At the end of the week they would celebrate the completion of all thesetasks by frying the calendar along withe Feta cheese and black olives. The Greeks would then eat their fried weekly Calenders along with the cheese and olives.

Is this important?? An Italian football club called eh... Inter Milan, is that it? They've sacked their manager:

news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/europe/7426549.stm

Personally, I'm not surprised. After he refused to participate in theInter Milan tradition of frying their weekly calendars along with someFeta Cheese and some black olives, his days were numbered.

English Practice. These quotes are taken from High School essays...some real beauties in here! Personally, my two favorites are...

'The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender legbehind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant'...wonderful image!

And....

'He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as ifshe were a garbage truck backing up'

Forget, 'But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.'

Shakespeare what were you thinking? Should have been 'Oh Romeo, OhRomeo wherefore art* thou's Garbage Truck Noise?!'

*I should point out, in my capacity as an English Teacher, that'wherefore art thou' does not mean 'where' it means 'why are you Romeo?' ...but the joke works better if we pretend it means 'where'.

I shall leave you all with the best and brightest of English Language thinkers:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sidesgently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances likeunderpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like aguy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one ofthose boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the countryspeaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipsewithout one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he wasroom-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makesjust before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegratedbecause of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surchargeat a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way abowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bagfilled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city andJeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when youfry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced acrossthe grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one havingleft Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topekaat 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fencesthat resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who hadalso never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was theEast River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, onlyone that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from noteating for a while.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender legbehind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around withpower tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, asif she were a garbage truck backing up.

25. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

Beginings...

What can I say?

I needed some where to post and preserve my insane ramblings....