No More Drugs in Lux

There are no more drugs in Luxembourg! The Luxembourgish Police raided several locations around the country, and found massive (proportional to Luxembourg's size) quantities of drugs.

Not much is known about the Luxembourg drug scene, but it's controlled by 'Marc Le Grand Fromage Puant'. Marc is a midget of mixed Luxembourgish, Afghan, Hungarian origin.

At all times, Marc disguises himself by wearing a pink sombrero, black shades, green tuxedo, rainbow coloured flip-flops and a 'ZZ-Top style fake beard' that runs from his face to his feet.

To avoid 'wire taps' and other forms of Police surveillance, he communicates only through the medium of dance. And he refuses to ever wash his feet, as he considers it unlucky.

Marc controls 90% of the Luxembourg drug scene (the other 10% being controlled by two teenagers at the European School). This 90% sees an annual turnover of 157 euros.

Despite this massive income, Marc still lives with his Mum. His 'crib' (as Marc refers to it) can be found in her cellar at her home in Differdange.

Due to the relative 'safe' nature of Luxembourg's criminal world, Marc has never had to kill anyone. But he did hit someone in the eye once with a Bofferding beer mat. The person in question said that it 'stung really bad'.

Michael Jackson Has Died

Michael Jackson has died. I think I'll leave the accolades and the 'mud slinging' to those better suited to higher / lower tasks. Instead, let's go right back and let Michael's music from his early Jackson 5 days do the talking:

ABC

Michael: a buh-buh">buh-buh buh buh-buh

J5: a buh-buh buh buh-buh

Michael: you went to school to learn, girl
Things you never, never knew before...

Jermaine: like I before e except after c...

Michael: and why 2 plus 2 makes four
Now now now, Im gonna teach you...
J5: teach you, teach you

Michael: all about love, dear...
J5: all about love

Jermaine: sit yourself down, take a seat
All you gotta do is repeat after me.

Chorus:

J5: abc
Michael: easy as...
J5: 123
Michael: or simple as...
J5: do re mi
Michael: abc, 123, baby, you and me girl!
J5: abc
Michael: easy as...
J5: 123
Michael: or simple as...
J5: do re mi
Michael: abc, 123, baby, you and me!

Tito: come on, let me love you just a little bit!
Jackie: come on, let me love you just a little bit!
Jermaine: Im a going to teach how to sing it out!
Michael: come on, come one, come on
Let me show you what its all about!

Reading, writing and arithmetic
Are the branches of the learning tree

Jermaine: but without the roots of love every day, girl

Michael: your education aint complete
T-t-t-teachers gonna show you

J5: show you, show you

Michael: how to get an a!

J5: nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Michael: spell me you
J5: add the two!
Jermaine: listen to me baby, that's all you gotta do!

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
Michael: sit down, girl!
I think I love you!
No!
Get up, girl!
Show me what you can do!

Shake it, shake it, baby, come on now!
Shake it, shake it, baby, ooo oooh!
Shake it shake it, baby, huh!
Abc, baby, oo ooo!
123, baby, nah nah!
Do re mi, baby, huh!
That's how easy love can be.

J5: abc
Michael: abc, its easy

Easy as123
Its like counting up to 3
Or simple as do re mi
Sing a simple melody
All: that's how easy love can be!



Ben

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben


I Want You Back

Uh-huh huh huh huh
Let me tell ya now
Uh-huh

VERSE 1:
When I had you to myself
I didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you from the bunch
one glance was all it took
Now it's much too late for me to take a second look

CHORUS:
Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
Yes I do now
(I want you back)
Ooh ooh baby
(I want you back)
Ya ya ya ya
(I want you back)
Na na na na

VERSE 2:
Tryin' to live without your love
Is one long sleepless night
Let me show you girl
That I know wrong from right
Every street you walk on
I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the girl
I didn't even want around
Let me tell you now

CHORUS:
Oh baby all I need is one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back to your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms

Uh-huh
A buh buh buh buh (2 times)
All I want
A buh buh buh buh
All I need
A buh buh buh buh
All I want
A buh buh buh buh
All I need

(Jermaine):
Oh just one more chance
to show you that I love you
baby! (6 times)

(I want you back)
(Jackie):
Forget what happened then
(I want you back)
(Jermaine):
Let me live again

Oh baby I was blind to let you go
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
(Jackie):
Spare me of this cause
(Jermaine):
Gimme back what I lost

Oh baby I need one more chance ha
I tell ya that I love you

Grow Up Silvio

Dearest, darling Silvio Berlusconi has denied paying for sex. And let's face it, in Silvio's mind, Silvio is telling the truth. He didn't pay for sex.

He DID pay for beautiful girls to be flown to his villa. And, yes, he DID pay to feed and accommodate those beautiful girls. And, sure, he DID also pay for expensive gifts, such as jewelery and clothing, to give to those beautiful girls. And, ok, he DID 'pay' those beautiful girls with his political influence to help those beautiful girls with their lives. But that's NOT paying for sex, that's just being nice!

And would Silvio have been so nice to ugly, fat girls? No. But, naturally, you are nice to nice looking people.

And would Silvio have been so nice to those beautiful girls, if they hadn't had sex with him and his guests? No. But, naturally, you are only nice to people who are nice to you.

Silvio was being nice to the girls by giving them nice things, and the girls where being nice to Silvio by having sex with him and his guests.


After all, Silvio doesn't understand the attraction of paying for sex. As he says, 'I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest.'

And if that conquest includes flights, food & accommodation, expensive gifts, political favours, and Silvio's friends paying actual cash to those beautiful girls (but without Silvio's knowledge, but in direct return for political favours from Silvio), the conquest is all the sweeter!


But let's be clear: Silvio DID NOT directly pay any one of those beautiful girls for sex. Not one.

Silvio is telling the truth. Not in a 'Gospel' sense of the word. Not in a 'respectful to the Italian people' sense of the word. Not even in the 'dictionary definition' sense of the word. But in a sad, self-serving and probably self-deluded sense of the word.

Grow up Silvio. Tell the truth and take responsibility. At the age of 72, it's finally time to become a man.

Confederations Cup: Italy 3 US 1 - But What Is It?

Italy 3 US 1 in the Confederations Cup. But what is the Confederations Cup?

In 1992 FIFA (the Fortress of International Financial Allocation) realised they could make a lot more money, if they had TWO World Cups (FIFA's highly trained satanic accountants estimated around double).

Initially FIFA planned to use its Dark Magics to create an entire second planet, but Sepp Blatter (the fattest, most corrupt human being in the world) said, 'No! My evil powers are not strong enough for that yet! We will simply call the new tournament The Confederations Cup. Nobody knows what the hell a Confederation is, but it sounds like something that might be official.'

Now, in 2009, multimillionaire footballers come from around the world in a mystical & beautiful, internationally televised, pan-global sponsored, money generating marketing event (that in no way detracts from the actual World Cup), where, occasionally, people play football.

But what of the genuine hopes & dreams of the nation's fans (Italy, Spain, South Africa, US, Brazil, Iraq, New Zealand and Egypt)? Well, inevitably, all but one of those nation's fans hope & dreams will be broken by the end of the tournament. And what happens to those broken hopes & dreams?

They are fed to Sepp Blatter, because that is the source of all his power.

Bird & Swine Flu Could Mix

People hold onto your Tic Tacs, scientists think bird flu could mix with swine flu. But wait! If bird flu and swine flu mix together, doesn't that mean birds and pigs could start mating? And that would mean... PIGS COULD FLY!

It's the harbinger of the apocalypse: Dogs & cats living together, tea bags falling the sky, Luxembourgish paperwork that actually makes sense, Michael Bolton songs on every radio channel, everybody drives a Rover, your mum looks like Tony Blair, the only food is mushy peas, Larry Hagman is president, Silvio Berlusconi is dating your teenage daughter, the world only speaks French, and everybody, every last person in the world, has the personality of Michael Schumacher.

Which Sex in the City Character are you?

I'm ill at home. And like anyone who's ill at home, I'm bored and looking for things to occupy my time. But I have no energy, so they have to be simple things.

I just took the 'Which Sex in the City character are you?' test on facebook. The result is that I'm Carrie. I'm quirky, witty, and every guy's perfect first date.

Does this explain my love life (or lack thereof)? Should I have been dating men? Does facebook know something I don't? I doubt it.

Honestly, I'm a little surprised that I'm Carrie. Not that I particularly expected to be one of the other girls. But that I've only seen the show once or twice, and each time I found Carrie to be really irritating: self involved, over analytical, neurotic and convinced that she and she alone had the theories that explained the world around her.

All of which, now I come to think about it, could be said about me. Maybe facebook does know something I don't?

Mafia Cry Baby

Mafia boss cries his way out of prison. I'm sorry, cries his way out of prison?! What happened to the horses' heads?! The offers they can't refuse?! The Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes?!

...How different 'The Godfather' might have been:


Louis' Italian-American Restaurant. Evening. Micheal Corleone, Sollozzo and Police Captain McCluskey are sat round a table.

MICHEAL: 'Look (sniff), what I want (swallows), what's most important to me (eyes start to tear up). Is that I have a guarantee (voice shakes with emotion) - No more attempts on my father's life! (breaks down in tears)'

(MICHEAL is face down on the table sobbing)

SOLLOZZO: '(Deep breath) What guarantees can I give you Mike? (Brings his hand to his mouth for a moment to hide his emotion) I'm the hunted one! (turns away, his eyes welling up with tears) I missed my chance! (bursts into tears. Begins to sob uncontrollably)

MCCLUSKEY: (Pats SOLLOZZO on the shoulder) 'There there Sollozzo, you crazy knife wielding Mafioso bad guy, there's always going to be another chance.'

SOLLOZZO: (Looks up at MCCLUSKEY with hope in his tear filled eyes) 'Really?'

MICHEAL: (Slams the table with his fists like a child) 'No more attempts on my Daddy's life!' (Collapses again. Face down on the table. Sobbing.)

MCCLUSKEY: (Puts his other arm around MICHEAL) 'Hey Mikey! It's not so bad! If your father dies, you would become boss of the family!'

MICHEAL: (Head still in his heads) 'But Sonny's older than me! (Cries a lot more) It's not faaaaair!!!'

MCCLUSKY: 'Don't worry about Sonny. They're gonna shoot him on the causeway.'

MICHEAL: (Looks up at MCCLUSKEY with hope in his tear filled eyes) 'Really?'

Skoda Vs Lada Tour

The Skoda Tour of Luxembourg has begun. The skoda is the perfect car to tour Luxembourg, because it's so slow. It makes the country seem bigger.

That joke would have been so much funnier if Skodas still looked like this:




Of course the first Tour of Luxembourg was not done by Skodas, it was done by Ladas:




The tour began on June 14th 1984 and still hasn't finished yet. The Ladas set off from 'Avenue de la Gare' one bright summer's morning and are currently making their way to Grevenmacher, having covered a grand total of 21kms in just under 25 years.

It's the single most impressive speed related performance in the history of the Lada.

The Toblerone Cuckoo Clock

Uh oh! People haven't been buying enough Toblerones and Cuckoo Clocks: Switerland goes into recession.

The Swiss need to get creative: The Toblerone Cuckoo Clock.

A clock that on the hour, a pair of little doors open, and a stick of Toblerone is projected out and then back in, and then out, and back in. All in time to the magical sound of the Cuckoo.

Children would wait patiently for the hour to arrive. Their mouths open. Their eyes shut (to increase the excitement). The hour would strike. The Cuckoo sound. The little doors spring out. The child's mouth open wide. And bam! The Toblerone stabs the child right in the eye!

Hours of fun.

UK's Hottest Day: 12c!

The UK has seen its warmest day this year. Temperatures of up to 12C had Britons outside their homes, offices and indoor shopping centres for, in many cases, the first time in years.

It wasn't all good news though: many elderly Britons suffered heat exhaustion from the unusually warm rain that fell throughout the day. And some of the most puritanical Britons ran panicked in the streets, claiming that the 'ungodly temperature of 12C' heralded the apocalypse, as only the devil could cause it to become that warm.

However most of the population made the best of blistering 12C. Across the country people enjoyed the traditional British summer sports of cricket, beer drinking, public urination and fighting*.

*Fighting is, of course, an all year round sport in Britain. But in the summer, it involves much sunburn slapping.