The Who Raises The Alert Level?!

The Who have raised the Swine Flu alert level. What do English rock band The Who have to do with all this?

If The Who can raise the alert level, that means they'll be responsible for treatment as well!

A scene from the 1975 film based on the band's Rock Opera 'Tommy' gives us an indication of what The Who's treatment of Swine Flu could look like:



...uh oh.

Swine Flu

It's every 24hr News Channel's dream come true: Swine Flu. What is wrong with modern TV News? When did they stop trying to 'inform us' and start trying to 'scare the sh*t out of us'?

To help 'inform' the public, BBC news even had a picture of the virus! What use is that?! 'If you see this virus, do not approach it. It is dangerous.' Yeah, I'll be sure to use my 'microscopic vision' for that one! I'm sorry, I didn't realise the BBC were now offering a news service for people with super-powers.


Yahoo News and Time have weighed in with '5 Things You Need to Know about The Outbreak'. But their five things are boring, here are my five:

1. When you cough, check for the smell of bacon.

2. Don't panic at every little symptom: a runny nose is ok. But a runny snout, that's bad.

3. If a wolf comes to your house to 'huff and puff and blow your house down', this could be a very serious sign. Particularly if your house is made of straw.

4. Take no comfort from the fact you can't fly, pigs can't do that either.

5. And finally, whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN:

No Naked Hiking?

The Swiss region of Appenzell has said 'non / nein / no' (whatever they speak) to Naked Hiking!

I'm confused. If they're naked, where do they hang their Toblerone?

Treatment for Heterosexuals?

Apparently, they can cure gay. But I'm not sure they're thinking about this clearly. We all know they're too many people on this planet. Maybe gay is an evolutionary imperative?


I think we need a Heterosexual Treatment:

Step 1. An intensive course of Elton John CDs.

Step 2. Patients will be forced to watch 'the volleyball scene from Top Gun' 1,000 times.

Step 3. Patients will only be able to drink Pina Coladas.

Step 4. Patients will be taught the benefits of moisturising cream, having a hair style and the importance of shoes.

Step 5. Accessorizing.

Predictions for 2050

Now that the world has no economy, economists have nothing to do. So they've taken to predicting the future: What the World Will Look Like by 2050

I don't know about you, but those predictions scared me! But what about these:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Predictions for 2050

1. People will continue to be stupid.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger will have been American President at least once.

3. The Simpsons will still be on TV (there's nothing any of us can do about it).

4. Women will continue to freak out about their weight and obsess about shoes.

5. Increasingly, men will also freak out about their weight and accessorising for men will no longer be considered 'gay'.

6. Politics as we know it will cease to exist and, instead, we will all become shareholders in one or more massive corporations (this will be sold to us as the ultimate form of democracy, whereas it is, in fact the ultimate form of slavery).

7. Electronic money will be the only form of currency, thereby bonding us to the corporate capitalist system totally.

8. Science will allow women to have children on their own. This will eliminate the need for men, with the exception of for pleasure and heavy lifting. Men will therefore become no more than glorified boy-toys or donkeys, spending all their time at the gym or carrying large amounts of shoes (David Beckham is a prototype of this social model).

9. The French will continue to hate the Americans, but love TV shows like 'House' and 'Lost'. They will also continue to see no contradiction in these two attitudes.

10. All over the world, children will sit in classrooms, their eyes filled with hope, and their desks: Tobytheteacher Text Books. Stay tuned...

Interview Tips

Yahoo is back with some 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips'. Once again, I think they've missed some:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips':

1. When asked your name, reply grimily, 'I'm Batman'.

2. Insist on calling the interviewer 'Mr Bumhead' regardless of gender.

3. Ask the interviewer to switch places with you, because the current sitting-arrangement is effecting your 'chi'.

4. Begin all of your replies with, 'Well, in the words of William Shatner...'

5. Interrupt the interview half way through by suddenly whispering to the interviewer, 'Don't move - I have to draw you.'

6. Use a Ouija Board to answer all the questions.

7. Eat.

8. Stare slightly to the interviewer's left throughout the interview.

9. Make 'fish faces' at the interviewer whenever they're speaking.

10.At the end of the interview, insist on kissing the interviewer's feet.

Strange Laws

The Americans have found some strange laws from around the world:

No feeding the pigeons in Venice, no walking along the side of the Autobahn in Germany and no kissing at train stations in England.

I don't think those laws are so strange:

Pigeons are disgusting flying rats, we shouldn't feed them. Driving with those speed-crazy Germans is scary enough, who would want to walk near them? And we all know that public displays of affection are too much for the English, ever since Queen Victoria banned all emotional from the Empire.


If the Americans wanted to talk about strange foreign laws, they should have looked at Luxembourg:

No honking your horn. No washing your car on a Sunday. And no making noise ever, under any circumstances:

It doesn't matter how stupid the maneuver by the other driver. They could break suddenly on main road. Then, without indication, turn off onto a smaller road (you'd been clearly indicating for) only to reverse mysteriously for a few moments, before stopping completely (again without warning) in the middle of the road to set up a goat farm.

And on the seventh day God washed his car. No he didn't! And neither should you! But it makes no sense because he's God. He's everywhere. He doesn't need a car. What's he going to do? Get in the car to drive to another part of himself? That's madness. But we need to get places! We're not everywhere! We're not omnipotent non-corporal beings! We need cars! And they need to be clean!

If your office is on fire, you have to walk outside calmly (don't run, because that would create noise) and gently whisper, 'Fire. Fire. I'm sorry for the noise, but there's a fire.'

Trapped in the Closet

They say, 'See Venice before you die.' But in my opinion, you should really see R Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet' before you die.

Words can not properly describe R Kelly's R&B soap opera opus. It may be the most stupid thing I have ever seen in my life and yet, you can not stop watching it once you start.

This is much is true, however, once you have seen R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, your world will never be quite the same.

Youtube have kindly provided Episode 1 here.

And to achieve the full R Kelly experience, here are the lyrics (R Kelly may be the first human being to rhyme the word 'dresser' with 'Beretta'):


(CHAPTER 1)

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you

Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some sh*t is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Sh*t think, sh*t think, sh*t quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy a*s up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
Walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar

Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the f*ck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “B*tch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…