Duck Billed Berlusconi

Coca Cola Bails Out Venice

The Mayor of Venice blames lack of government support but, in fairness to Silvio Berlusconi's government, it's not cheap paying for all his cosmetic work.

Silvio is, after all, six hundred and forty seven years old.

Every two weeks his entire body is drained of blood and then refilled by the blood of the Duck Billed Platypus. Indeed, Silvio now has so much Platypus DNA in his system, he is part aquatic.

Silvio can survive up to six and a half days underwater without air support. Another reason why funding for Venice's flood defenses is so difficult to obtain - Silvio doesn't see the problem.

Very often the top of Silvio's bald head can be seen moving through Venice's canals, as he goes about his shopping.

Unfortunately, as part of his longevity treatment, Silvo's head is made of 98% reinforced titanium. This has lead to the sinking of more than one Venetian gondola.

As Venetians say, 'La testa di Silvio è, per la gondola, come il iceberg per la Titanic.'

Embarrassed English, Facebook Data and I Believe I Can Fly

Uh oh! Somebody has been embarrassing the English with a public display of the word 'sex'.

When will people learn?! We can't take that kind of thing!!

Facebook will not keep our data!

But, what would Facebook do with my data...

'Toby thinks everybody has something to hide except for me and my monkey.'
Or, 'Toby wants to know - if a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound?'

Or, the decidedly postmodern, 'Toby is updating his status message'.

Finally, to help with that midweek 'when will this week end?!' feeling:

I Believe I Can Fly

I used to think
that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes the silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me

If I can see it, then I can be it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Cause I believe in you

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

High Speed News Round-Up!

Apparently, babies who gesticulate (talk with their hands) have better vocabularies when they reach school age.

- Does this explain why Italians talk so much?


Eh.. this is not cool. I think, if you find yourself seriously considering beheading your wife - it's probably time to just leave her.

You know, walk out the door, get a hotel room, buy some porn, a six-pack of beer and work through it, man.


Silvio Berlusconi? Involved in bribes? Surely not! Wait a minute, let me get this straight:

David Mills (aka British scumbag) has been found guilty and sentenced for four and half years, BUT he can appeal twice before the sentence is enforced, AND if those appeals are not completed by 2010, he doesn't go to jail?!

- and, even if he does go to an Italian jail, it won't be too bad for a British guy:

The food will be better for starters! Italian jail food is like restaurant food in England!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

I can't seem to find anything funny in the news.

Maybe it's because I'm not in a funny mood. Maybe it's because the world is not in a funny mood.

I suspect the cause of both moods may well be the same: The Super-Rich's desire to have a 12% year on year increase in wealth rather than a 10% one is beginning to bite.

However before I join Al Qaeda, some research first:

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Silence! I kill you!

China:

It's big,

There's a lot of people,

And Jackie Chan is one of them.

- But what do we really know about it?

Luckily her majesty's broadcasting corporation (the BBC) is here
with a series of documentaries.

And now, in a shameless display of cultural insensitivity,
Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting.

Zai Jian!


Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said here comes the big boss, lets get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand knew trip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with expert timing

(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning