High Speed News Round-Up!

Apparently, babies who gesticulate (talk with their hands) have better vocabularies when they reach school age.

- Does this explain why Italians talk so much?


Eh.. this is not cool. I think, if you find yourself seriously considering beheading your wife - it's probably time to just leave her.

You know, walk out the door, get a hotel room, buy some porn, a six-pack of beer and work through it, man.


Silvio Berlusconi? Involved in bribes? Surely not! Wait a minute, let me get this straight:

David Mills (aka British scumbag) has been found guilty and sentenced for four and half years, BUT he can appeal twice before the sentence is enforced, AND if those appeals are not completed by 2010, he doesn't go to jail?!

- and, even if he does go to an Italian jail, it won't be too bad for a British guy:

The food will be better for starters! Italian jail food is like restaurant food in England!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

I can't seem to find anything funny in the news.

Maybe it's because I'm not in a funny mood. Maybe it's because the world is not in a funny mood.

I suspect the cause of both moods may well be the same: The Super-Rich's desire to have a 12% year on year increase in wealth rather than a 10% one is beginning to bite.

However before I join Al Qaeda, some research first:

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Silence! I kill you!

China:

It's big,

There's a lot of people,

And Jackie Chan is one of them.

- But what do we really know about it?

Luckily her majesty's broadcasting corporation (the BBC) is here
with a series of documentaries.

And now, in a shameless display of cultural insensitivity,
Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting.

Zai Jian!


Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said here comes the big boss, lets get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand knew trip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with expert timing

(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning

Blue Monday

The Eurozone is going to shrink by 1.9%

Arrh!!!! Where will 1.9% of us live?!?!

Apparently January 19th (Blue Monday) is the most depressing day of the year...

So... to cheer you all up, my favourite monkey joke:

- Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

- So they can hide in cherry trees.

Wait for it...

- What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

- The monkeys picking cherries.

And if that hasn't help - I will survive:

Los Lyrics:

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

Obviously, as a soul-tortured artist, relationships are not an option for me, but let me see if I've understood this...


Daily Habit 1 - Talk to Each Other:

'Honey, I think you're fat', Bob says to Claire. To which Claire replies, 'Well Bob, your penis is small and seldom satisfies me.'

Daily Habit 2 - Flirt:

'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' 'I'm cooking dinner Bob.'

Daily Habit 3 - Get Stupid Together:

'Bob - I dare you to catch this knife!'

Daily Habit 4 - Declare your Independence:

'We hold these truths to be self-evident..'

Daily Habit 5 - Share a Spiritual Moment:

'Bacardi?'

British Citizenship Test

New plans for the British Citizenship Test have been announced


TobytheTeacher's British Citizenship Test:

1. What do British people eat for dinner?

a) Fish n' Chips
b) Chicken Curry
c) Beer

2. Is the Queen..

a) God's voice upon this Earth
b) A Corgi-Pimp
c) The most Bobby-Dazzler Disco-Fantastic Person in the world

3. Did Shakespeare write..

a) 4 Weddings and a funeral (Brit-Flick-Chick-Flick-Middle-Class-Tosh)
b) Hamlet
c) All the Take That songs

3. How many reality TV shows can the average British Citizen watch a week?

a) 2
b) 10
c) How many you got?

4. Is Diego Maradona..

a) A great sportsman and a role model to all the children of the world
b) 98% cocaine
c) A fat-cheating-volleyball-playing-cocaine-addicted-organised-crime-associating-with-jumped-up-mock-God-fearing-f*ck-face

5. Is the first line of the British National Anthem..

a) God save our gracious Queen
b) God save Freddy Mercury
c) Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!

6. When going to the toilet do you say to your friends..

a) I gotta drain the lizard
b) ME! GO PEE-PEE!
c) Would you excuse me? - I have to use the Winston Churchill

7. In the Winter, do the British have..

a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Cold rain

8. In the Summer, do the British have..

a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Warm rain

9. Do British people believe in..

a) One of the three major monotheistic spiritualities
b) The healing power of laughter
c) Capitalism - aka: Nothing

10. How do British people see other Europeans?

a) Smelly ill-mannered Johnny-Foreigners
b) European Brothers and Sisters of equal worth and measure
c) People for fighting and football


..for British Citizenship please send your answers to:

The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
UK (the centre of the universe)

Ronaldo Vs UFO

The world most successful Thai-Lady-Boy, Cristiano Ronaldo crashed one of his Ferrari's.

Unconfirmed reports say that at the time of the crash, Cristiano was practising his magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick.

Did this distract Cristiano? Only the he knows.

Meanwhile else wheres in England: a UFO is suspected of damaging a wind farm.

UFO? ..Or Cristiano Ronaldo flying his private jet at the same time as practising his aforementioned magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick?

Only Cristiano knows.

Wife Sets Fire to Husband's Penis

Ouch!
Look out guys!!
Don't cheat on your wife or girlfriend or this might happen!!!

She just wanted to burn his penis so it belonged to her and no one else?! What the flaming ding-dong was she going to do with it afterwards?!

Girls, seriously, if you hate a guy enough to set fire to his John-Thomas, maybe you should just leave him?

The woman has been held in Police custody pending the results of a psychological assessment. They need to wait for a psychological assessment?!

SHE SET FIRE TO HER HUSBAND'S KINDER BUENO - SHE'S BONKERS!!!

Cheating on women is wrong, but so is setting fire to his 'meat and two veg', his captain fantastic, his caped crusader, his little general, his pocket rocket, his one eyed trouser snake, his rod, his magic wand, his voiture d'amour, his wang, his wife's best friend... oh no wait, that one doesn't work.

Italian Christmas Witch Day

It's Italian Christmas Witch Day!

Who is the Italian Christmas Witch I hear you ask? Find out here.

To celebrate Italian Christmas Witch day here are some traditional English language stories about the Italian Christmas Witch...

- wait a minute! There are no traditional English language storys!! Oh well, here are some Family Guy videos about Italians instead:

Cutting in Line in front of Italians

Peter thinks he can speak Italian because he has a moustache

..and finally, Monty Python's Italian lessons - which I've posted before, but I like it!

Toodle-Italian-Christmas-Witch-Pip!

What Not To Say At A Party

Things Not To Say At A Party


My list...

1. I’ve just joined Al Qaeda.

2. Has anyone read ‘War and Peace’?

3. How about an orgy?

4. My God! You people are fat!

5. I sense an evil presence in this room.

6. So… let’s talk about the financial crisis.

7. I’ve got this weird rash on my bottom.

8. My farts smell like peanuts.

9. The ambassador’s parties were always a luxurious affair…

10.Who wants to touch me?

The British Had Brains!

Great news for the British!

Two thousand years ago we had brains!!

It doesn’t say if we have them now of not…

Read His Body Language

Read His Body Language

..as usual, they missed a few. Here are TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Read A Man's Body Language Tips:

1. He has an erection – he likes you.

2. He has an erection – he doesn’t like you, but he’s thinking about a girl he does like.

3. He’s kissing a monkey – he likes monkeys.

4. He holds his nose when he kisses you – you smell.

5. He stares at your breasts when he’s talking to you – he’s not gay.

6. He yawns when you talk – stop talking about shoes.

7. He’s sitting down – he’s drunk.

8. He’s lying down – he’s really drunk.

9. He’s asleep – he has finished drinking.

10. He looks like he’s concentrating when you speak to him – he’s trying not to fart.

Office Party Do's and Don'ts

Office Party Do's And Don'ts


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Office Party Do's and Don'ts:

1. Arrive wearing only cucumber slices.

2. Ask your boss if his wife is a man or a woman.

3. Tell everyone senior to you in the company that they will be killed when the revolution comes.

4. Bring a chimp to the party.

5. Sing.

6. Insist everyone calls you ‘Il Bandito’.

7. Ask people to sign you’re a*se.

8. Reply to everything people say to you by saying, ‘Yes, I see what you mean, but have you considered therapy?’

9. Take PCP.

10. Communicate only through Mime.

The Pound Is Down

Finally, Capitalism is working for me!

The Pound is down

First the UK bank I have an overdraft with gets bought by the government... hihi.

And now, the value of the UK pound is dropping dropping dropping against the euro.

Think about it.. my overdraft is in pounds. My pay is in euros. ..so technically, my overdraft is reducing. Nice.

..of course, when all the banks in Luxembourg review their training budget - I'm boned.

..but until then, let the good times roll!

A Cheater or a Keeper?

With stories about the Pope fighting Aliens, the French killing Lance Armstrong and the English hating the cheating-low-down-dirty-volley-ball-playing-guts of Maradona, I think the blog may have been targeted towards men a little too much recently.

Girls, how to predict if your man will cheat

But, how do you know if you've found a faithful man? A man who believes with all his heart that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

There's only one way: Is he fat?

If your man is sitting on the sofa drinking a beer and watching TV, do you know what that is? It's a testament to his love for you.

Why? Because it means he has found the one. He has said to himself, there's no need to go to the gym or play sport anymore. I have found the perfect girl for me.

What does it mean if your man is still going to gym, playing sports, dressing and grooming like a single guy? It means that in at least one part of his head, he is one.

Remember girls, the fatter your man is.. the more he loves you.

Alien Vs Pope

The Vatican have decided to forgive John Lennon for his 'bigger than Jesus' remark.

Speaking of The Vatican, I've been working on movie ideas this weekend. One of the ideas I came up with was 'Alien Vs Pope':

A hidden vault is discovered in Vatican and opened for the first time in hundreds of years. Thousands of alien eggs are inside. Now the Pope must battle an army of alien killing machines to save the world.

There's a great scene where the Pope is driving his 'Pope-Mobile' at high speed through the Vatican, shooting aliens with a machine gun.

...it's violent and religious. I think it would be perfect for Mel Gibson!

Angry Cycle Fans & The World's Greatest Volleyball Player

TobytheTeacher's sports round-up:

Apparently, Lance Armstrong is worried that the French will attack him during next year's tour.

Imagine it: gangs of beret wearing French men chasing Armstrong across France, throwing smelly cheese and perfectly timed sarcasm at him. Uncooked snails will be wasted to coat the roads with snail slime to unsettle his bike. French cigarette smoke will be blown across his path to blind him. Their incomprehensible talk of existentialism will be used to confuse and disorientate him.


Meanwhile in Scotland, the world's greatest Volleyball Player, Maradona, has decided to pacify the English by comparing his 'Hand of God Stunt' with England's 66 World Cup Win.

Ah, Maradona, you crazy-cheeky-cheating-hand-balling-scumbag-cocaine-snorting-boozing-fat-loser-low-life-organised-crime-associating-with-dead-beat-spineless-gob-sh*te, why would you think the English don't like you?!

Good luck Scotland! You crazy skirt wearing lady-boys!

Axl's Chinese Democracy

That crazy kilt-wearing, microphone-the-size-of-your-head-carrying, running-round-the-stage-like-a-child-that-needs-the-toilet, singing-about-dolphins-comas-and-November-rain, front man Axl Rose is back.

Here he is singing about Chinese Democracy

They still ride bicycles,
But they get to vote,
And even though Chairman Mao
Would think it's a f**kin' joke,
It's a Chinese Democracy!
A Chinese Democracy!

Hey Chairman Mao!
Don't have a cow!
It's time for you Reds,
To be red, white and blue,
You don't know how?
I'll tell you how!
Yeah, it's tough to chow,
But hey! Mr Mao!

It's a Chinese Democracy!
Enough Commi-hypocrisy!
It's time for a West-ology!
It's a Chinese Democracy!

(panpipe solo)

Crazy Christians

Christians! Calm down!

Monks fight at a holy shrine

I'd like to point out that if these monks were English football fans and the holy shrine was a football ground, FIFA would insist that the British government take their passports from them and refuse them the right to travel.

Will anybody from the Christian Church be insisting the same thing?

George W, Rare Live Interview

As we come to the end of the US Presidential Elections it's easy to forgot the current President Bush, but here he is in a rare live TV interview

Good luck to both the candidates for today! May the best man win...

But... if you can not decide upon a best man, perhaps it's time to select the best woman:

Bush has been Oliver Stoned...

Director Oliver Stone talking about his new film 'W'

He also briefly mentions my favourite Oliver Stone movie - Natural Born Killers.

In my opinion, in cinematic terms the most original and important film of the 90s (though you'll notice from the review that not everyone agrees with me).

In general, not a big fan of his work. I think listening to him is usually more interesting than watching his films.

Still, you have to give him credit for making such a politically relevant and contemporary film.

Vin de Merde?

'zos crazy Frenchie peoples are calling 'zier wine - vin de merde.

Apparently, they are trying to attract attention for the wine.

I wonder if the same approach would work for Luxembourgish beer?

Bofferding could become 'Rat's P*ss'
Mousel - 'Baboon's A*se Sweat'
Diekirch - 'What doesn't kill you, makes you blind.'


I can't drink Bofferding. True story. Usually, when I drink beer I go from sober to good time to sick. But not with Bofferding, oh no. With Bofferding I go from sober to sober to sick.

I honestly believe it has been engineered to attack English people on a genetic level as an act of revenge for all the times the English Football Fans have come to Luxembourg and broken the city.

Baby, I like the way you smell...

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce

I have a theory about the high rate of divorce in the modern western world. I think it's all to do with deodorant.

Think about it. Scientists think that a large part of human attraction is based on smell. That's why people wear perfume, aftershave, deodorant etc - because it makes you more attractive to more people.

But the deodorant etc blocks our natural body smell. What if it's also blocking our ability to successfully select / sniff out a partner?

Maybe we should all do what dogs do and smell each others' butts before we consider a relationship?

...I wonder if that would go down well on a Friday night at the club?!

Toodle-Pip!

Meeting The Parents...

Hello Hello,

A funny video for Friday. I guess in the list of things you'd not want to happen when you first visit your boyfriend's parents, this would be around the top.

Enjoy your weekends!

Toodle-Pip!

How To Deal With Workplace F*ckers

How to Deal with Workplace 'Frenemies'

What are 'Frenemies' I hear you all ask?

Well apparently, 'Frenemies' are people at work who pretend to be your friend but then screw you for their own advantage. I call these people 'F*ckers'.

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Ways of Dealing with Workplace F*ckers:

1. Plant a landmine in their office.

2. Pay a Voodoo Doctor to curse them.

3. Use a laser-beam to cut them in half (Do you expect me talk? No, Mr Frenemie! I expect you to die!)

4. Install a hidden piranha pit in front of your desk. Then tell the F*cker you want to see them in your office.

5. Have sex with their pets.

6. Create a fake Facebook profile for them with only pictures of S&M, Nazis and Michael Bolton on it.

7. Once a day, go into their office (when they're not there) and move something. Start with something very small like a pencil. Then each day move something larger - until one day they enter their office to find their desk on a totally different side of the room (The Mason Family used to do this).

8. At lunchtime, sneak into the F*ckers office and leave a whip, a set of handcuffs, some nipple clips, a prison guard uniform and Max Mosley. Then leave a message for your boss saying the f*cker urgently needs to see him / her in their office.

9. Tell Chuck Norris that your frenemie said his was not that hard and that Jean-Claude Van Damme could 'have him' in a fight. Then sit back and wait.

10. Whenever you see them start crying and say, 'I heard the news. I just want you to know - I think you're really brave!'. Then refuse to say anything more.


Finally, the Jean Claude Van Damme Website (for the ladies)

A Boring End To The World?

Ooo... this is nifty: a boring end to the world?

And that's all I'm gonna say.

Toodle-pip!

The Cowboy Hat Theory

News from the American Presidential Elections.... trouble for Sarah Palin

There's no actually need to follow the news reports from America. I have a foolproof method for predicting the winner of an American Presidential Election:


TobytheTeacher's 'Cowboy Hat Theory'.

The winner of an American Presidential Election is the candidate that looks best when wearing a cowboy hat. Check it out:

2004 - George W Bush Vs John Kerry: George looks best in a cowboy hat.
2000 - George W Bush Vs Al Gore: Easy, George Bush.
1996 - Bill Clinton Vs Bob Dole: Oh so easy, Bill Clinton.
1992 - Bill Clinton Vs George H Bush: Once again, Bill Clinton.
1988 - George H Bush Vs Michael Dukakis: Closer but, George H Bush.
1984 - Ronald Reagan Vs Walter Mondale: Reagan played cowboys in the movies!!!

Any questions?

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Clock!

So... the US debt clock has run out of digits

I don't get it!? If America is going to owe 11 trillion dollars... who are they going to owe it to?

Is there someone out there with an 'IOU' note from America for 11 trillion dollars?

And if so, who has enough money to be able to lend 11 trillion dollars?!

'..Oh, you want to borrow some money? Sure.. let me just see what I've got in my pocket. Ah, 11 trillion dollars! I'm not using it! I guess you can have it!'

What would happen if we just said - stop! We want to see who has all the money!

I suspect this Capitalism thing is a myth. I think it's all a product of Donald Trump's imagination...

Troppo Rapido? Moi?

Eh... so I had a very nice conversation with the Luxembourgish Police last week:

'TobytheTeacher, although your driving is tiptop, we would prefer it if you did not drive at nearly double the speed limit.'

To which I replied, 'You think I should drive faster?'

'No. Perhaps slower.'

'But Mr Policeman, what about all the drink driving in Luxembourg?' I asked innocently.

'Ah but TobytheTeacher', he replied wisely, 'Bofferding helps you to drive better.'

'But Mr Policeman', I countered confused, 'if you fine me lots of money for driving too fast, how will I buy Bofferding?'

'Ah but TobytheTeacher that is why Bofferding is so cheap, so even after we have fined your hundreds and hundreds of euros for driving too fast, you can still buy more Bofferding.'

'Genius.'

'Twas a fair cop. I was doing 98 past the airport (a 50 zone). It was one of those magical moments in life when you know you're completely f**ked. And that the only thing you can do is hold your hands up and say 'yep, you got me.'

Evaluation Reports

It's evaluation report time for me... again. Hate paperwork with a growing passion.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Don't think I'll be using any phrases like these... I like to be a little more constructive:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

• I would not allow this employee to breed.

• This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.

• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

• He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

• A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

• He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

• He doesn't have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.

• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

• He’s been working with glue too much.

• He would argue with a signpost.

• He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

• When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

• If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he’s the other one.

• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

• A prime candidate for Natural de-Selection.

• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

• Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

• Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

• One neuron short of a Synapse.

• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

• Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

• The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is dead.