Toxic Personalities

Yahoo is back with 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid. I want to be sarcastic about this, but I can't! I agree with all of them.


Of course there is one toxic personality in particular, not mentioned on the list, that we should all avoid:



But Kim Jong Il's recent nuclear developments may make him hard to avoid. The BBC is here with an interesting breakdown of the situation.

With the world going the way it is, there's all the more reason to avoid the 8 types people listed above.

So Lonely, but Nuclear

Troubling times in North Korea. Fortunately the UN have dispatched their top weapons inspector Hans Blix. Let's take a look at how that goes.


Of course it's not Kim Jong-il's fault. Afterall, he is very 'ronery'.

Los Lyricos:

I'm So Ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems like no one takes me serirousry

And so I'm ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me

There's nobody
I can rerate to
Feel rike a bird in a cage
It's kinda sihry
But not rearry
Because it's fihring my body with rage

I'm the smartest most crever most physicarry fit
But nobody else seems to rearize it
When I change the world maybe they'll notice me
But until then I'rr just be ronery
Rittle ronery, poor rittle me

I'm so ronery

..soon he will have nuclear weapons. Oh good.

Stupid Not Drinking

Uh oh! The authorities in Rome have decided to ban alcohol for Wednesday's Champions League Final.

But will it be enough to stop the English fans from acting stupid?

I think it's important to note that English people do not become stupid simply because they have been drinking, the English people in question were already stupid before they started drinking. Drinking provides an excuse for the stupid behaviour. The behaviour itself is inherent.

The problem is, NOT being able to drink might also be enough of an excuse to act stupid.

One Balled Dictators

When I was at primary school (5-11) in England, being young multi-cultural Britons, we used to sing a song that reflected our deep understand of, and sensitivity to, 20th Century European history:

'Hitler has only got one ball,
The other is in the Albert Hall.
His mother, the dirty b*gger,
Cut it off when he was small.'


Until this day, I never realised it was true. And apparently Adolf H wasn't the only fun-loving-wacky-crazy-European-Dictator to pack meat, but only one veg: General Francisco Franco also only had one Tic Tac in the box.

Is there a connection between being a dictor and only having one ball? Did Mussonlini keep only one onion in the onion bag? What about Sadam Hussein? Or Margaret Thatcher?

Stupid, More Stupid, & Totally Stupid.

Ouch! I just banged the back of my head on the wall behind me laughing too hard at South Park. God punishes the little sins right away... I wonder if it will make me more stupid?


Speaking of stupid, A German man loses 23,000 euros by driving an open top car down the motorway.

Careless for a German, they are usually such sensible, efficient people; though it was an efficient way of losing the money. Most of us would just lose money down the back of the sofa. It would take a very long time to lose 23,000 euros down the back of your sofa. And it probably wouldn't be very comfortable to sit on.

Uh.. I'm starting to feel groggy. I think I must have banged my head quite hard. I'm almost certainly going to be more stupid because of this.


Speaking of more stupid, An Italian man dies trying save his car from a train.

I wouldn't die for my Rover. And it's an authentic classic car. Really, think about it. You can't buy Rovers anymore. You can buy BMWs. You can buy Audis. But you can't buy Rovers.

Uh, really... I'm feeling dizzy. I think I'm going to pass out. I going end up totally stupid.


Speaking of totally stupid, a Polish man cuts his own head off to impress his mates.

Maybe he'd just banged his head laughing too hard at South Park, and decided to cut it off to take the pain away?

Original Movie Quotes

The Guardian is here with the top ten Movie Misquotes of all time.

But how about quotes that were in the original scripts, but, for some reason, did not make it to the finished films:


1. James Bond - 'I'm feeling a little vulnerable after killing all those people. Could we just cuddle tonight?'

2. Braveheart - 'Oh I do hope the English colonise us today!'

3. Citizen Kane - 'I want my sledge! I want it! I want it!'

4. Silence of the Lambs - 'Do you want fries with that?'

5. Titanic - 'Look, we'll win their tickets, go on the boat, sail to American. What's the worst that could happen?'

6. My Girl - 'I dare you to play with this bee.'

7. The Matrix - 'Nobody can be told what the matrix is.' 'Then why the hell are you still talking to me?'

8. Saturday Night Fever - 'Dude, what you doing Friday?'

9. Desperatly Seeking Susan - 'Has anyone seen Bob?'

10. Superman - 'Sorry, I can't help you.'

Funny World Leaders

Do you remember a simplier time when World Leaders were content with simple things like running their countries?

But no more! Now world leaders have to be funny: Obama's Comedy Routine.

Of course no World Leader can match Tony Blair's joke of 2003: take part in an invasion and subsequent rebuilding of a country that the British Empire first built in 1914. Funny.

Berlusconi Vs Prince Philip

I've just been reminded that Berlusconi is not the only public figure prone to gaffes.

When searching for inappropriate public behaviour, the aristocracy is always the best place to start looking: Prince Philip's Royal Gaffes.


But that doesn't mean it's plane sailing for Silvio, his 18 year old friend has decided to comment on her relationship with Papi Silvio.

"When Papi Silvio calls, I come!"

Hmmm... I wonder if that will make things better or worse between Silvio and his wife.

Berlusconi Blog

I'm going to have rename this blog the 'Berlusconi Blog': Time Magazine's Worst Berlusconi Gaffes.

If you combined the activities of all the other European leaders for an entire year, it would still not be as entertaining as Silvio's activities for one week. For example:

This week, Gordon Brown (UK Head Hypocrite - aka Prime Minister) was critised in Parliament. Yawn! Boring!

This week, Silvio Berlusconi demanded an apology from his wife for suggesting he consorts with minors. Not boring.


Silvio then went onto blame the Italian media for the story, which did confuse me: doesn't he own the vast majority of the media in Italy?

Perhaps Silvio agrees with Oscar Wilde:

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

The Ancient Caves of Berlusconi

In Italy, they've been exploring the system of caves beneath the city of Naples.

Researches claim that the millions of meters of caves were first built by the Ancient Greeks, but I think the caves may have just been built by Silvio Berlusconi to enable him to visit 18 year old girls who live around the city.

Silvio was, of course, alive in Ancient Greek. Silvio is so old, he is the only human being that predates the written word. Before the written word if people wanted to know about an historical event, they would simply ask Silvio to sing about it.

This, in turn, explains why Silvio sees no particular problem with spending time with an 18 year old girl. When you are over 6,000 years old, everybody is a lot younger than you.

The Who Raises The Alert Level?!

The Who have raised the Swine Flu alert level. What do English rock band The Who have to do with all this?

If The Who can raise the alert level, that means they'll be responsible for treatment as well!

A scene from the 1975 film based on the band's Rock Opera 'Tommy' gives us an indication of what The Who's treatment of Swine Flu could look like:



...uh oh.

Swine Flu

It's every 24hr News Channel's dream come true: Swine Flu. What is wrong with modern TV News? When did they stop trying to 'inform us' and start trying to 'scare the sh*t out of us'?

To help 'inform' the public, BBC news even had a picture of the virus! What use is that?! 'If you see this virus, do not approach it. It is dangerous.' Yeah, I'll be sure to use my 'microscopic vision' for that one! I'm sorry, I didn't realise the BBC were now offering a news service for people with super-powers.


Yahoo News and Time have weighed in with '5 Things You Need to Know about The Outbreak'. But their five things are boring, here are my five:

1. When you cough, check for the smell of bacon.

2. Don't panic at every little symptom: a runny nose is ok. But a runny snout, that's bad.

3. If a wolf comes to your house to 'huff and puff and blow your house down', this could be a very serious sign. Particularly if your house is made of straw.

4. Take no comfort from the fact you can't fly, pigs can't do that either.

5. And finally, whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN:

No Naked Hiking?

The Swiss region of Appenzell has said 'non / nein / no' (whatever they speak) to Naked Hiking!

I'm confused. If they're naked, where do they hang their Toblerone?

Treatment for Heterosexuals?

Apparently, they can cure gay. But I'm not sure they're thinking about this clearly. We all know they're too many people on this planet. Maybe gay is an evolutionary imperative?


I think we need a Heterosexual Treatment:

Step 1. An intensive course of Elton John CDs.

Step 2. Patients will be forced to watch 'the volleyball scene from Top Gun' 1,000 times.

Step 3. Patients will only be able to drink Pina Coladas.

Step 4. Patients will be taught the benefits of moisturising cream, having a hair style and the importance of shoes.

Step 5. Accessorizing.

Predictions for 2050

Now that the world has no economy, economists have nothing to do. So they've taken to predicting the future: What the World Will Look Like by 2050

I don't know about you, but those predictions scared me! But what about these:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Predictions for 2050

1. People will continue to be stupid.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger will have been American President at least once.

3. The Simpsons will still be on TV (there's nothing any of us can do about it).

4. Women will continue to freak out about their weight and obsess about shoes.

5. Increasingly, men will also freak out about their weight and accessorising for men will no longer be considered 'gay'.

6. Politics as we know it will cease to exist and, instead, we will all become shareholders in one or more massive corporations (this will be sold to us as the ultimate form of democracy, whereas it is, in fact the ultimate form of slavery).

7. Electronic money will be the only form of currency, thereby bonding us to the corporate capitalist system totally.

8. Science will allow women to have children on their own. This will eliminate the need for men, with the exception of for pleasure and heavy lifting. Men will therefore become no more than glorified boy-toys or donkeys, spending all their time at the gym or carrying large amounts of shoes (David Beckham is a prototype of this social model).

9. The French will continue to hate the Americans, but love TV shows like 'House' and 'Lost'. They will also continue to see no contradiction in these two attitudes.

10. All over the world, children will sit in classrooms, their eyes filled with hope, and their desks: Tobytheteacher Text Books. Stay tuned...

Interview Tips

Yahoo is back with some 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips'. Once again, I think they've missed some:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips':

1. When asked your name, reply grimily, 'I'm Batman'.

2. Insist on calling the interviewer 'Mr Bumhead' regardless of gender.

3. Ask the interviewer to switch places with you, because the current sitting-arrangement is effecting your 'chi'.

4. Begin all of your replies with, 'Well, in the words of William Shatner...'

5. Interrupt the interview half way through by suddenly whispering to the interviewer, 'Don't move - I have to draw you.'

6. Use a Ouija Board to answer all the questions.

7. Eat.

8. Stare slightly to the interviewer's left throughout the interview.

9. Make 'fish faces' at the interviewer whenever they're speaking.

10.At the end of the interview, insist on kissing the interviewer's feet.

Strange Laws

The Americans have found some strange laws from around the world:

No feeding the pigeons in Venice, no walking along the side of the Autobahn in Germany and no kissing at train stations in England.

I don't think those laws are so strange:

Pigeons are disgusting flying rats, we shouldn't feed them. Driving with those speed-crazy Germans is scary enough, who would want to walk near them? And we all know that public displays of affection are too much for the English, ever since Queen Victoria banned all emotional from the Empire.


If the Americans wanted to talk about strange foreign laws, they should have looked at Luxembourg:

No honking your horn. No washing your car on a Sunday. And no making noise ever, under any circumstances:

It doesn't matter how stupid the maneuver by the other driver. They could break suddenly on main road. Then, without indication, turn off onto a smaller road (you'd been clearly indicating for) only to reverse mysteriously for a few moments, before stopping completely (again without warning) in the middle of the road to set up a goat farm.

And on the seventh day God washed his car. No he didn't! And neither should you! But it makes no sense because he's God. He's everywhere. He doesn't need a car. What's he going to do? Get in the car to drive to another part of himself? That's madness. But we need to get places! We're not everywhere! We're not omnipotent non-corporal beings! We need cars! And they need to be clean!

If your office is on fire, you have to walk outside calmly (don't run, because that would create noise) and gently whisper, 'Fire. Fire. I'm sorry for the noise, but there's a fire.'

Trapped in the Closet

They say, 'See Venice before you die.' But in my opinion, you should really see R Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet' before you die.

Words can not properly describe R Kelly's R&B soap opera opus. It may be the most stupid thing I have ever seen in my life and yet, you can not stop watching it once you start.

This is much is true, however, once you have seen R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, your world will never be quite the same.

Youtube have kindly provided Episode 1 here.

And to achieve the full R Kelly experience, here are the lyrics (R Kelly may be the first human being to rhyme the word 'dresser' with 'Beretta'):


(CHAPTER 1)

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you

Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some sh*t is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Sh*t think, sh*t think, sh*t quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy a*s up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
Walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar

Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the f*ck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “B*tch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…

Security Rover

President Obama arrived in the UK with massive security entourage and limo specially designed for safety and defense.

I have a similar set-up for here in Luxembourg:

My car is equipped with extra comfy seats, so I don't get irritated stuck behind slow moving locals and old people.

My car is also big enough so that I don't get intimidated by fast moving investment bankers, convinced by their own sense of total superiority.

The unique 'style' of my Rover allows me to effortlessly demonstrate* my Englishness at all times to you continental European types.

My CD changer is fully stocked with The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and The Who, so that I can instantly balance any foreign influence to regain my delicate Anglo-Saxon sensibilities.

A sophisticated air conditioning system maintains a constant 'English climate' within my car, never allowing it to be too hot or too cold.

And in the glove compartment, I keep a can of Tetleys and a packet of salt & vinegar crisps in case I need to take away the taste of any 'European food'.

*Technically in English, you shouldn't 'split an infinitive' (separate the 'to' from 'demonstrate'). However, the sentence is funnier written this way.

Shopping Syndrome

In an attempt to demonstrate that this blog is for everyone, apparently woman might have a medical excuse for shopping sprees.

Is there anything woman can't blame on their time of the month? It's like a monthly 'get out of jail free card' for all forms of unusual behaviour or extreme emotional reactions.

If I was a woman, I'd be tempted to take advantage:

Your colleague borrows your calculator without asking, so you staple his tie to the desk (while he's still wearing it) - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

You drive your car into the supermarket, as it's easier to do your shopping that way - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

You place voodoo curses on all of your colleagues for not doing things exactly the way the wanted them to be - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

English Sporting Success?!

What is going on?!

The English? Successful in sporting events?!

England 4 Slovakia 0

But it's only a friendly I hear you all cry! Yes, but it wasn't so long ago that we were dragging 1 - 0 victories and 0 - 0 draws out of those sorts of games.


And: Button wins the Australian Grand Prix

I'm particularly pleased by this as I could never get into the whole supporting Lewis Hamilton thing, given that he is not actually human and was, in fact, developed in a McLaren lab.

Madonna Thinks?

Madonna has been urged to rethink her decision to adopt a second African child.

To 'rethink' doesn't one first have to 'think'. Does Madonna think?

Madonna has always struck me as one of those people who doesn't know what she wants, but she does know how to get it.


But there is no doubting the impact she's had on contempory western culture. The song that started it all: Like a Virgin, but a slightly different version.

Los Lyricas del Virginos:

I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was until I found you
I was beat incomplete, I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new

Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy, my fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you 'cause only love can last
You're so fine and you're mine, make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine

Stupid English

Ah, the English: Shakespeare, Dickens, The Beatles. What culture! What creativity! What intelligence! Not really:

Man follows SATNAV to cliff edge

What has happened to my nation!? Oh well, at least we still have our sense of humour:

Son Paints 60ft Penis on Parents' Roof

hihi.

Battlestar Galactica

I don't usually do this.

In my opinion, recommending your favourite film, food or music to someone is like recommending a lover. Just strange. We all have our own tastes. And they're buried so deep inside us, there's little external influence can do it change them.

Having said all that, my favourite TV show Battlestar Galactica came to an end this weekend. The storyline is far too complex to try to express in a condensed form, but I'd like to talk about what I think the TV show is all about.

Battlestar Galactica is about faith. It's about the things you choose to believe in, and the consequences of that choice.

Each of the characters puts their faith in something, be it religion or science, democracy or the military, friendship or family. In short, each of the characters chooses to love something. Then each are put into conflict, with themselves and with those around them, because of what they love.

If you see past the cylons and the jump drives, you'll see a TV show that talked about war and terrorism from both sides, that demonstrated the arrogance and solace that can be found in both science and religion. A TV show whose characters lost only to live on. A TV show that never offered easy answers, but consistently pushed itself to ask the hard questions.

I've been a fan of science fiction my whole life, and it is, for the most part, a vastly stupid genre. Finally science fiction fans have a TV show they can put alone side the likes of 'The Wire' and 'The Sopranos' (And unlike 'The Sopranos', Battlestar Galactica actually ended). Finally, science fiction fans have a TV show they can recommend to other people.

Thank you Battlestar Galactica, it was one hell of a frakkin' journey!

Protection Francais!

Ah! Zi French are protecting again z'ere industries français.

As if you need protectionism! We didn't protect our car industry in the UK and
now
we
have
no
car
industry.

Oh.
Bugger.

- Maybe the French have point?


But what else will they protect? Obviously the cheese. But what other things are essential to French Cultural Identity?

Smoking?
Being sarcastic?
Riding a bicycle, wearing a striped T-Shirt, a berry on your head, with onions round your neck?

Language CDs are Stupid

I've just listened to the instructions of a 'Learn Italian CD':

‘We do not recommend doing the reading portion if you are doing this programme in your car.’

- really?! Well, I was going to… but since you don’t recommend it.

Are there really people that need to be told that? And why is it only a 'recommendation'?

Could I do it if I was reaaaally careful? You know, not in heavy traffic, for example.


Speaking of stupid, what about the sentences we learn in foreign languages as beginners:

'The dog is under the table.'

When are you ever going to say that?


- On a holiday to England, you visit a friend's home:

You: 'Hi!'

Your friend: 'Hello! Nice to see you.'

You: 'Nice to see you too. Your home is lovely.'

Your friend: 'Thank you! That's very kind of you to say s-'

You: 'OH MY GOD! THE DOG IS UNDER THE TABLE!'

Your friend: 'SWEET JESUS! HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE?!'

You: 'WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DOOOO?!'

Your friend: 'DO HAVE ANY DOG BISCUITS?'

You: 'NO! DEAR GOD! I DIDN'T THINK!'

Your friend: 'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!'

You: 'BUT I BLAME MYSELF!'

Your friend: 'IT'S OK! I THINK WE HAVE SOME IN THE KITCHEN!'

You: 'THANK THE BABY JESUS!'

Winky Faces and Status Messages

'Toby is feeling sardonic.'

I just wrote that on my facebook status message. Apparently, status messages are the new email.

I do like the idea of casting my inner thoughts and feelings out into the darkness. A modern day 'message in a bottle'.


I'm a particular fan of the 'willfully ambiguous' status message. It's not one I use myself so much, but I've noticed it's a big favourite with girls.

'Tracy can not believe what just happened...'

- to which her facebook buddies hurriedly comment:

'What's wrong hun?!'

- to which Tracy replies:

'Oh nothing. I just dropped my coffee ;)'


The winky face - ;) - is one of my favourite typological developments. You can say anything you like, as long as you follow it with a winky face:

'You're fat and you're stupid! ;)'

'One day I will stand over your corpse and laugh! ;)'

'I would not spit on you if you were on fire! ;)'


Here's a song that needs a winky face: Archive's 'F*ck U'

*It's a youtube link, as deezer is acting up.

Los Lyricos Disgustos:

There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won't ever meet I remember your name
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
You are scum, you are scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can, so f*ck you anyway
Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
Makes me sick when I hear all the sh*t that you say
So much cr*p coming out it must take you all day
There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the f*ck are you looking at me

Why the f*ck why the f*ck are you looking at me
(Repeat x 4)

There's a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up 'cos I find you obscene
We can't wait for the day that you're never around
When that face isn't here and you rot underground
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway

So f*ck you anyway (Repeat x 11)

;)

First Date No No's

Yahoo is back with another 'how to be generic and popular' link:

This time, First Date Deal Breakers.


Personally, I think they've missed a few:


TobytheTeacher's Top Ten First Date No No's

1. Insist that the girl calls you ‘Mr Big’ at all times.

2. Lick clean her plate after she has finished eating.

3. Profess your love of small, cute animals when used as target practice for your AK.

4. Introduce her to your right hand by referring to it as ‘your other lover’.

5. Tell her about the time you nearly died of stomach flu.

6. Explain to her, in great detail, why all of her favourite films are rubbish, and why she should really love the films of Sergio Leone (I’ve actually done this one).

7. Tell her she can only speak to you at half time.

8. Eat with your feet.

9. Say things like, ‘So, what does your Mum look like? I only ask ‘cos I wanna know what I’m in for.’

10. Dress like The Pope.

Violent Tennis and Football Insults

Tennis and Sweden have both long been associated with violence, and the Israel Vs Sweden Davis Cup Match was no exception.

Meanwhile in the traditionally more passive environment of football, practise your English with the top 10 football insults.

England Vs Italy

It's a big week in the champions league, where three of the four English clubs playing will face Italian opponents.

The footballing competition will be decided on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but do other aspects of the two nations culture compare?


Cuisine: Fish n Chips Vs Pasta













Weather: Rain Vs Blue Skies











Colonial Technology: Railways Vs Roads













Cars: Aston Martin Vs Ferrari










Cinema: Alfred Hitchcock Vs Sergio Leone












Cheese: Chedder Vs Mozzarella











Music: The Beatles Vs Eros Ramazzotti














Chocolate: Cadbury Cream Egg Vs Kinder Surprise












Heads of State: The Queen Vs Silvio Berlusconi















Television: The BBC Vs Silvio Berlusconi












Comedy: Monty Python Vs Silvio Berlusconi













Oldest Man: Henry Allingham Vs Silvio Berlusconi














So who wins? England? Italy? Silvio Berlusconi?

Answers on a postcard to:

TobytheTeacher
27 Bofferding Street
Big Duck's Palace
Lux

And for the football...

Miei amici italiani - in bocca al lupo!