Top Ten Signs Your Man Might Be Cheating...

Just how do you tell if your man is cheating on you?

Cosmopolitan has the answers.

Of course, they forgot to mention a few.

Girls, TobytheTeacher’s official Top Ten Signs Your Man Might Be Cheating:

1. You find him in bed with sixteen ‘Thai-lady-boys’.

2. When you’re having sex, he says things like, ‘Well that’s not how my other girlfriend does it.’

3. When you’re having sex he says things like, ‘Well that’s not how my boyfriend does it.’

4. He arrives at your apartment with a big bunch of red roses, a box of chocolates and a birthday card. When you explain to him that it’s not your birthday, he replies, ‘Oh sorry, wrong address.’

5. You arrive home to find him handcuffed to the bed, wearing a gimp suit and a cowboy hat. There’s a note stuck on the bedside table that reads ‘Out for some smokes, back in five.’

6. One night at dinner he asks you, ‘Is it you that likes ‘Sex in the City’ or is that my other girlfriend?’ (to which the answer is, you both love ‘Sex in the City’)

7. He arrives home to find you having tea in the back garden with your parents. As soon as he sees your father he starts pointing and screaming ‘Arhh! Zombie! Zombie!!’ After seeing the confused and shocked look on your face, he calms down and explains, ‘Sorry, wrong girlfriend.’

8. He starts saying things like, ‘Well… eh… I guess I better go now to… eh… rescue some… eh… children and… puppies from a… fire in a… shoe shop - I’ll rescue the shoes too.’

9. In the middle of an argument he exclaims, ‘God! You complain nearly as much as my other girlfriend!’

10. In the shower, he starts singing this song:


'Simultaneous'

Baby you know, you're the one for me
And all that I want to be is...

You and me... and her, simultaneous
You and me... and you and you, simultaneous
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous ooh, come on

Have an open mind, blow my trigger down
Gimme the last cold turkey blast, make it fast
Take my ass to town

Have an open mind, send my cares away
Ring my bell you fat piggy whale, what the hell Today's your lucky day

You and me... and her, simultaneous
You and me... and Wynona Rider, simultaneous
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous, ooh, come on

Have an open mind, is a normal thing to do
Don't be rude, just get nude
Oh, you're being rude, I would do it for you
Baby please have an open mind, you're the only one I love
These girls you see, baby they don't mean anything, let's all just get in the tub
You and me... and her too, simultaneous
You and me... and your momma and your sister
Simultaneous lovin' baby, two or three...
Simultaneous oww, come on

Everybody in the pool!

Have an open mind, don't be so mean to me
Call your sister and your mother and your aunt
It's every man's fantasy
Have an open... woa, baby, put that knife away
Don't be mad, I'll take you back, just relax, we can make love your way
I'm talking about

You and me... and some flowers and some wine, instantaneous
You and me... and Whitney Houston (on the radio, babe, on the radio)
Some candles and some good feelings
Just the two of us
Oh, fudge it
Now, I'm talking about

You and me... and her and her and her, simultaneous
You and me... and women in the house, simultaneous
Three and seven, make it a baker's dozen
See the ladies in the house clap your hands
Now that'd be a party, ladies