tobytheteacher

Sigourney Weaver Interview

2009-12-07T12:53:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by reading an interview with the most excellent Sigourney Weaver.

In the article, Sigourney talks about career in movies, her passion for the environment and, of course, her role in the up-coming uber-blockbuster Avatar.

For more Avatar related posts, you can read about James Cameron talking about his own movies here and you can watch the trailer for Avatar here.

Twilight: Promoting Abusive Relationships and Female Submission

2009-11-28T17:32:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by reading this interesting article - Twilight: Promoting abusive relationships and female submission.

This thought-provoking article uses a check list provided by The National Domestic Violence Hotline (of America), to critique the relationship between Bella and her vampire boyfriend.

The check list is designed to help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship. There are 15 questions on the check list. If you answer 'yes' to any one of them, you may be in an abusive relationship. Bella's relationship answers 'yes' to all of them.

The article's author suggests that the girls who watch this movie (and presumably read the book), will get "the idea that a seriously unhealthy relationship is somehow the equivalent of love".

I can honestly say, and I'm a little ashamed to admit, that these observations had never occurred to me. I am particularly surprised, as the story is so popular with girls.

If you want to read the original article, you can find it here.

Interview with Snoop Dogg

2009-11-28T16:03:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by reading a Q&A Session with Snoop Dogg.

Q&A stands for Question & Answer.

It's a great idea to experience every type of English. My most favorite thing about English is the range of creativity within it.

But don't let it confuse you. Remember if you're not sure, don't say it. Keep your English simple and clear.

The 99 Most Jaw-Dropping Movie Moments

2009-11-27T13:32:00.000+01:00

Practice your English with the 99 most jaw-dropping movie moments.

You get a mixture of video and text from 99 different movies of different genres, so surely something for everyone here.

If you haven't seen one of the films listed; and intend to, it's probably best to miss that video out. It might spoil your enjoyment of the movie, when you do see it.

30 Killer Movie Closing Lines

2009-11-23T14:57:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by watching this collection of 30 Killer Movie Closing Lines.

I love the ending to Sunset Boulevard: 'All right, Mr De Mille, I'm ready for my close-up'. Wonderful, insane, haunting end to a fantastic piece of classic old Hollywood.

Interview with the Director of Twilight Saga: Full Moon

2009-11-23T14:45:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by watching an interview with the director of Twilight Saga: Full Moon.

In the video, you get a mixture of 'face to face' interview with the director and clips from the movie.

I'm not the biggest fan of these movies; though I do admit, the lead vampire is a sassy guy.

James Cameron Interview: On his own Movies

2009-11-23T14:32:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by reading what James Cameron has to say about his movies!

If you'd like to see the trailer for James Cameron's newest film Avatar, you can find it here.

I don't know why, but they've missed out True Lies.

Top Gear Test a Toyota Pick-Up Truck

2009-11-20T13:55:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by watching the BBC's Top Gear program test how strong a Toyota Pick-Up Truck is.

Top Gear is a great way to practice your English: all three presenters speak quite clearly (although a little fast at times). They are very careful to explain things, before they do them. The show is also very visual so, even if you don't understand every that is being said, it's still very enjoyable.

I love Top Gear's mix of genuine enthusiasm for all things car related, surprisingly bang on social commentary and totally & utter stupidity. As the presenters themselves put it: the usual mix of fast cars and middle aged men falling over.

NME's 'Top 50 Albums of the Noughties'

2009-11-18T14:01:00.001+01:00

Practice your English with 'NME's Top 50 Albums of the Noughties'.

My favorite album of the noughties (2000 - 2009) is William Shatner's album 'Has Been'. I don't see it in the list... I wonder why?

Ok, so really my favorite album is probably Snow Patrol's 'Eyes Open', but Shatner's album will always have a special place in my heart.

New Avatar Trailer

2009-11-15T17:52:00.000+01:00

Practice your English by watching the new trailer for James Cameron's latest 'Avatar'.

There is also some written text about the trailer, which you can read. See if it matches you're understanding of what you saw.

Love him or hate him, you've got to admit: James Cameron knows how to make a blockbuster movie. I think 'Aliens' lines up as my favorite, followed closely by the original 'Terminator'.

Mariah Carey Quotes

2009-11-15T15:33:00.000+01:00

Practice your English with some Mariah Carey quotes.

Not the biggest fan of Miss Carey, if I'm perfectly honest. She is though, no doubt, a proper diva. Never been a fan of celebrities, who know what planet their on.

Having said that, Mariah does know what planet she's on: Planet Mariah.

I Hate You Day

2009-11-15T11:10:00.000+01:00

I think negative emotions are not recognized enough by modern society. I think one of the reasons so many of us suffer from depression, is because we are under so much pressure to be nice and positive all the time.

For example: they are lots of days in the calender when you can tell someone how much you love them, but there are no days when you can tell someone how much you hate them.

I think we need a 'I Hate You Day': a day when it is socially acceptable to tell someone how much you hate them.

We could have 'I hate you' cards. We could have chocolates in the shape of a hand 'flipping you the bird'. We could create an entire new economy based on 'I hate you' products.

One day a year to release all our negative feelings about each other: that person who bullied you at school, the ex boyfriend or girlfriend who just stopped calling, the boss who never took any of your ideas seriously.

We all have people in our past who, for one reason or another, hurt us deeply; but, because it's so long ago, we no longer feel it is socially acceptable to keep telling them. We need a day for that.

Ok.. so it probably wouldn't work so well for people who are presently in our lives, but for those past people: imagine how therapeutic it would be to have one day, when it was ok to tell someone you hate them.

Practice your English & Kick Ass!

2009-11-13T15:20:00.000+01:00

Practice your English and kick ass: The Trailer for the movie 'Kick Ass' is here.

Watching movies is a great way to practice your English: you get to hear the language as it is spoken by native speakers, you get to hear a lot of idiom and expression, and it's a lot more interesting than your average text book!

If you're worried about your English level being too low to watch movies yet, try watching the film with English subtitles: hearing and reading the language at the same time will make it easier for you to understand.

Another trick is not to be too hard on yourself. When I watch films in French (Oui, Je parle un peu de français), I don't worry about understanding every detail. As long as I understand the general story, I'm happy.

Get Ski Fit!

2009-11-11T14:03:00.000+01:00

Practice your English and get fit with the Guardian's guide 'Get Ski Fit'.

Reading instruction and explanation is a good way to improve your English. A lot of the vocabulary you read here will help you to explain yourself in many different situations.

Doing something else at the same time as practicing your English can really make it easier to practice regularly!

Gordon Ramsay's World Kitchen

2009-11-08T13:04:00.000+01:00

Practice your English with this video of Gordon Ramsay cooking a Greek White Bean & Vegetable Soup.

The video is followed by a small collection of different recipes you can try: Garlic Prawns, Meatballs in Tomato Sauce, Spinach & Feta Filo Rolls, Buffalo Chicken Wings with Sour Cream & Chive Dip, Courgette, Feta & Herb Fritters, Dolmades, Tabbouleh and Baba Ganoush.

This is a great example of how you can practice your English with, really, anything! You don't need to stick to academic practice or business publications, if you don't want to. A lot of the 'connecting & explaining' language you find here, is just as applicable in business as it is in recipes.

The most important thing is to enjoy your English!

40 Years of Sesame Street

2009-11-06T17:01:00.000+01:00

The excellent American TV show Sesame Street is 40 years old. You can check out the BBC article and video here.

For a different take on the anniversary, Ricky Gervais interviewing Elmo.

40 years of entertaining children, helping them to read and write is a thing to celebrated. Personally, my favorite character was always The Count: One! Ha Ha Ha! Two! Ha Ha Ha!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2009-11-06T16:13:00.000+01:00

As I have already posted on my facebook pages and explained on my blogs in the sidebar, I'll now be posting English culture links here on my TobytheTeacher blog.

If you want General & Business English and English @nswers, you can easily visit the other blogs by clicking on the links in the sidebar.

Let's start today with a list of quotes from one of my favorite movies: Sergio Leone's 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'.

You can check out the trailer for the movie here on youtube. I have to say, I've never liked the trailers for Sergio's films. They never do the films justice, but you do get a sense of the scope of the movie.

An Egyptian Living in London

2009-10-29T16:00:00.000+01:00

Hello,

As with the OndemandEnglishSupport.com Blog, I'm trying something new: instead of linking sites on my 'TobytheTeacher Facebook Page', I'm going to start linking them here.

This will make the links more assessable to all. The links will still appear on the Facebook page, but as a page on this blog rather than a stand alone link.

As I've already said on my TobytheTeacher Facebook page, from now on General English links will be posted here. Business English links will be posted on the OndemandEnglishSupport.com Blog.

For today: An Egyptian living in London from the excellent BBC World Service website - long live the Beeb!

Business English Listening Comprehensions Are Boring

2009-10-20T13:46:00.003+02:00

Business English listening comprehensions are so boooring:

Listen to the recording and choose the best response a), b) or c) for each phrase.

1. Why was Daniel so difficult to work with?

a) blah blah blah
b) blah blah printer software blah
c) blah late for meetings blah blah

If I made listening comprehensions, they would be like this:

1. Why was Daniel so difficult to work with?

a) He was a two thousand year old vampire.
b) He wore 'MC Hammer' pants to meetings.
c) He liked to touch himself.

2. I need support to do my job.

a) Buy more expensive underwear.
b) Have you considered Prozac?
c) Perhaps you should go on a diet?

3. Does Peter give his colleagues any problems?

a) Well, he slept with Bob in accounting's Father.
b) No, just the light of Jesus.
c) He likes to warm their chairs for them.

4. Your staff are off sick all the time. What's the problem?

a) They're drunks.
b) They don't like your face.
c) They're a product of a bankrupt western culture that sets unrealistic Utopian social aspirations & at the same time expects an unparalleled level of disposable income, therefore making happiness in the modern world impossible.

5. There's a lot of work. I really need an assistant.

a) Have you considered doing less of it?
b) Yeah, and I really need a night with a Pussycat Doll, but it's not going to happen!
c) And some deodorant.

6. We simply don't have enough staff.

a) For what?
b) Spare me your Marxist ramblings.
c) Put caffeine in the water cooler.

A Natural Death for Jan Moir?

2009-10-16T14:17:00.004+02:00

People of the World! Looking for an excuse to hate the English? Here's one: Jan Moir's hateful article about Stephan Gately's death.

We English get a lot of justifiable abuse about being a nation of football hooligans with rubbish food, but 'the middle English' seem to escape being stereotyped & abused by other nationalities.

Is it because they're so desperately polite when they come to your countries? Don't be fooled by it, they despise you every bit as much as the hooligan. You should hear the things they say about you, once they've returned to the safety of leafy suburbia. They provide the words for the hooligan's marching tune.

Those passively aggressive polite little village hate-mongers with their faux moralizing. And what do you get when you boil down all the twee suggestion and mock-polite innuendo? Their belief that England would be a lot better of if we were all white, christian, and heterosexual.

But if they're right (excuse the pun), why do they feel the need to disguise their message? Have you ever noticed how it's only the hateful that need to dress their beliefs up in fake polite & pseudo-moral tones? The good simply speak from the heart.

To finish, here's an excellent response to Jan's dross posted on the Enemies of Reason blog. A very good excuse for the people of the world to not hate the English: we do at least pick ourselves up on our sh*t.

*If you're on Facebook, you can register your complaint here.

Hollywood Vs The Bechdel Test: Public Enemies?

2009-10-16T00:07:00.005+02:00

Maybe I'm just getting old; but as much as I enjoyed just watching Michael Mann's 'Public Enemies', do we really need another 'two men set against each other in the arena' movie?

It was very well done, but what exactly is the difference between Depp & Bale in 'Public Enemies' and De Niro & Pacino in 'Heat'? Or Cruise & Foxx in 'Collateral' for that matter?

I'm reminded of The Bechdel Test, where you should only watch a movie if it satisfies the following three rules:

1. There are at least two named female characters, who...

2. ...talk to each other about...

3. ...something other than a man.

I have seen a lot of films and right now, I can honestly say, I can not think of a single one that passes this test. What exactly does that say about Hollywood (or, indeed, my taste in films)?

Should Hollywood really still be making movies that glorify violence when we're in the midst of sending boys off to war? You can't really tell me that they don't look up at that big screen, filled with guns, glory & noise, and not make the connection. However somber the overall tone of 'Public Enemies' may be, you can't help but look at it and think it's cool.

A few months back, I watched Robocop for the first time in years. I remember, as a 13 year old boy, loving the blood, gore and ED209 of this movie. But as a 32 year old man, I was amazed how much the violence shocked me.

I think it might be time for Hollywood to ditch the Macho Fairy Tales, as a genre they have done well and to death. And start to consider a broader world view. Or maybe it's just that I'm getting old.

The Great Silvio Berlusconi?

2009-10-14T23:15:00.003+02:00

Forget Jesus, Capernicus was a nobody and Einstein did nothing special: Silvio Berlusconi, aka 'The Pimp of Sardinia', has declared himself inferior to no one in history.

But few people realise the true extent of Silvio's ambition. He is, quite simply, too big for Italy. As part of the Berlusconi media empire (Silvio bought my blog last year), I can exclusively reveal the next stage of his master plan:

In a similar guise to the Vatican City State, Silvio is going to declare the island of Sardinia his own country. He is yet to decide upon a name for his new country, but favourites include: 'Sil-dinia' and 'Berlusconi-Berg'.

Of course the island itself is far too small to contain Silvio's ego, and an extensive land development plan will begin soon. This will include building out into the sea to reshape the island into an exact scale replica of Silvio's own body.

This will make Silvio's body, along with the Great Wall of China, the only man made objects visible from space*.

*According to this article there are actually many things visible from space, but the joke doesn't work if I list them all.

Taking Chances

2009-10-13T17:59:00.004+02:00

Ciao English Learning Chaps & Chappettes,

It has been a while, hasn't it? I hope all is well in your worlds. I must apologise for my absence, but I've been caught up in the act of setting up my new business:

www.ondemandenglishsupport.com

During my absence, I have learned a number of things: firstly, that I'm much happier having no money & being stressed by a business I believe in, than I was having some money & being stressed by a job I didn't.

Secondly that when using the 'dance exercise' on my Wii's EA Active game, the more stupidly I dance, the more fun I have.

And thirdly that in life it is better to suffer for what you really want, than to suffer for what you only thought was possible.

I actually knew the third point when I was 19, said 'no' to what was expected of me and decided to try to be a filmmaker.

But I'd forgotten it in the last few years. And had wondered whether middle class expectation was, in fact, best for me. Luckily, the last few years have demonstrated clearly, beyond any sense of doubt, that is not the case.

I have always been an anxious person upon whom failure bore heavy, but it never stopped me from taking chances. Not until recently, that is. It feels good to be taking chances again.

Best of luck to all of you with the chances you are taking in your lives.

On Demand English Support

2009-10-01T16:21:00.001+02:00

English Language Support that enhances and streamlines your English: available when you need it and accessible without you ever having to leave your home / office.

Save hours of your time when working on Presentations & Speeches, CVs & Cover Letters, School & University Projects.

Submit your project now for a free quote.

Feel free to explore my website to find out more about my services or contact me directly.

Compliments Women Don't Love

2009-08-09T11:55:00.003+02:00

Yahoo's back with 5 Compliments Every Woman Loves To Hear.

But what about compliments women don't love to hear?

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Compliments Women Don't Love

1. I like the shape of your head.

2. You look quite good for your age.

3. For a fat chick, you're not bad.

4. I've seen worse haircuts.

5. You almost look as good as your sister.

6. My mum says that all the time.

7. When I'm drunk, I can't stop thinking of you.

8. It's not just your body I like, I also like what you can do with it.

9. I'm not bored. I yawn because I'm comfortable with you.

10. Wow. You're a much better kisser than your mum.

Top Five Space Mission Odour No No's

2009-08-02T23:05:00.003+02:00

Do you want to be a Chinese Astronaut? Not if you have bad breath and / or bad body odour: China search for odour free astronauts.

But bad breath and body odour are not the only things that could 'stink up' a space mission:

TobytheTeacher's Top Five Space Mission Odour No No's

1. Attempting to fart your country's national anthem.

2. Only bringing one pair of socks.

3. Bring a copy of the film 'Pearl Harbor' (because it stinks).

4. A wet dog.

5. French Cheese.

God Returns to F1

2009-07-29T22:28:00.004+02:00

And lo on the twenty ninth day of the seventh month of the year two thousand and nine, did God announce his return to Formula One. The skies darkened to the colour of tyre rubber, and the seas turned red as his Ferrari car: Michael Schumacher is coming back to Formula One.

I am genuinely excited about and happy that Tricky Mickey is returning. I suspect that most people share my opinion. But there are two people who are probably not happy about it: Ferrari test drivers Marc Gene and Luca Badoer.

At this very moment, Marc and Luca are crying their little racing driver eyes out. Tears are rolling down their little racing driver faces. Their puffed up cheeks as red as the apocalyptic seas that heralded Sticky Mickey's return.

Hollywood Blockbuster Stories?

2009-07-26T22:42:00.004+02:00

Does anyone remember a simpler time when Hollywood knew how to tell stories? Two of this summer's biggest blockbusters, Transformers 2 and Terminator Salvation were both spectacularly shot collections of exciting set pieces, strung together by an entirely random story structures.

Does Hollywood just write movies by rolling dice? Or perhaps throwing darts while blindfolded? Does this mean anybody could write a Hollywood blockbuster?

Bob works in an office (I don't know which one). One day his office explodes (I don't know why). On the way to hospital, the ambulance carrying Bob is hijacked by a Megan Fox (for no apparent reason). The ambulance jumps over a moving train, through a helicopter, before crashing into a river (because, why not?).

We think they're both dead, but Megan has her own submarine (yes she does). Then Megan takes a shower (it'll help sell the DVD). An ancient sea-dinosaur attacks the submarine (nothing expensive has happened for a while). But it's OK, because Megan's submarine is also a rocket ship (there's more than meets the eye). However, the sea-dinosaur can also fly (oh my god!). And now the entire - insert generic South American country name here - air force is after Megan and Bob (just because). But it's OK, because Bob works for the CIA (now it makes sense). And the entire American air force arrives to save them (cue gung-ho Michael Bay Pro-American masturbating).

Megan & Bob's submarine rocket ship crashes in a desert (it's topical). They have 'super slo-mo movie sex' (it'll help sell the DVD). Generic Arab terrorists arrive and capture them (topical). Megan & Bob are transported to a super-secret-underground-nuclear-reactor-death-ray-base (the death ray is in space, but the base is underground). The death ray is disguised as a Al Jazeera TV satellite (because the US networks will love it!). We won't call it 'Al Jazeera', we'll call it 'Al Jaz-zoo-roo' (so we don't get sued, but everybody'll know who we're talking about).

The terrorists captured Megan's father (a famous death-ray scientist), and forced him to build the base & satellite (emotional dynamic). Megan uses her super-kung-fu to free her father, while Bob is male, funny and useless (because that's feminism, isn't it?). But stereotypical-crazed Arab terrorist leader (who turns out to be a North Korean General in disguise, who then turns out to be a rich European investment banker in disguise, who turns out to be a former KJB agent in disguise, who turns out to be a Nazi) sets the base to self-destruct, which will start a chain reaction in all the middle Eastern oil (topical) and destroy the planet (maybe?).

Megan's father sacrifices himself (Bob! Take care of my little girl!) and blasts the base into space, destroying the Al Ja-Zoo-Roo death-ray satellite (cue reaaally expensive CGI sequence). As it rains pretty pretty fire balls down onto the desert, the sunsets and Megan & Bob kiss to a retro 70's middle of the road rock tune (that your Dad probably drives to).

Berlusconi & The Ancient Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia

2009-07-24T15:52:00.003+02:00

Beloved Silvio is in trouble again, but this time it's not per say with escorts. This time he's in trouble with archaeologists.

But what would Silvio want with 30 ancient tombs? Has he run out of places to put his money? Or was he just trying to impress the girl he was talking to; and at the age of 72, run out of 'chat up lines'?

No. Few people realise it, but Silvio is actually an expert on ancient European history. And that is why he knows about 'The Legend of the Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia'.

Legend has it that only the most corrupt man in the world will be able to open the 30 tombs. But before he can open them, he must prove his corruption by a series of ancient trails:

First, he must betray his people. Second, he must betray his family. Third, he must betray his wife. Fourth, he must betray his principles. And finally, he must betray himself. It is in this final challenge, that Silvio is having problems.

Tony Blair, on the other hand, has no such difficulties. Tony just needs to betray his wife & family, and The 30 Ancient Zombie Prostitutes of Sardinia will be his!

Live Tour de France

2009-07-23T17:21:00.002+02:00

You can follow a live text description of the Tour de France here with the BBC.

But, excuse me, how interesting is that going to be?

1614 The cyclists are cycling through France. Everybody looks really French.

1619 All of the cyclists are on cycles. Each cycle has two wheels.

1623 The cyclists are cycling on a French road. The road is long and black.

1630 On both sides of the road, we can see the French countryside. It's green. Sometimes there are trees. Sometimes not.

1635 The cyclists are still cycling. This is an up hill stage, so they're going.. up.

1641 Some of the French supporters are carrying baguettes. None of the cyclists are.

1654 Many, if not all, of the cyclists are on some form of steroid.

1659 OH MY GOD! An alien space craft has abducted fifteen of the cyclists. The remaining cyclists were destroyed instantly by some kind of space-death-ray. There are flames and explosions everywhere! French people are running screaming, clutching their baguettes to protect them! Oh the humanity!

1701 Actually, I was just joking. The cyclists are still cycling. God I'm bored.

Harry Potter Marijuana

2009-07-21T18:27:00.003+02:00

Have British Police discovered the true magic in Harry Potter? Harry Potter actor found guilty of growing marijuana.

But how would marijuana change the Harry Potter story?

The Sorting Hat: 'Dude, that crazy hat just talked me. He was like, Slytherin house. And I was like, no way! Gryffindor maaan! Gryffindor!'

The end of Harry Potter 1: 'I'm going to kill you Harry.' 'But dude, your head is in the back of another guy's head! That's wild! It's like, your head is his head and his head is your head.' 'Didn't hear me?! I'm going to kill you Harry Potter!' 'But wait, I have to explain this to you. Your head is his head. And his head is your head.'

Too many 'H's: 'Hagwarts works at Hogrid. No wait, Hogwarts works at Hagrid.' 'Harry! You're smoking waay too much of that stuff!' 'Harm-rooney, chill-lax!' 'My name is not Harm-rooney, Harry. And I will not chill-lax.' 'Harm-warts, it's like, totally harmless.' 'Hog-less?! I mean, harmless?! Harry, give me your stash.' 'Harm-moody, I don't have a tash! I'm a little asexual wizard boy!'

Fat Fashion

2009-07-19T11:03:00.004+02:00

First the French and now the Italians, the young of Europe are becoming English! Milan enforce Teen Drinking ban.

But will this cultural homogenisation spread to other areas of Europe and their young people's behaviour? Will young Germans start fighting at football matches? Will the youth of Spain begin to consume nothing but fish n Chips?

And what of the young of Milan? How will their new high calorie habit effect the city's reputation? Will it be known as the 'Fat Fashion Capital of the World?' Will fat, drunken fashion models stagger their way down the catwalks of the city? Will the catwalks have to be reinforced to handle the extra weight?

And finally, how will this change at the fashion industry's heart effect the rest of the world? Will teenage girls binge on Big Macs and cry to their mothers about 'being too thin!!!'? Will celebrities take to the red carpets of the world, wearing clothes that accentuate their huge butts and thighs?

Has all that salad I've been eating & beer I've not been drinking been a complete waste of my time?!

Crazy Italian Wedding Bouquet Trick!

2009-07-14T20:19:00.005+02:00

Is there any simple action that Italians can't make dramatic, theatrical and potentially dangerous? Bride's bouquet brings down plane.

Throwing the bouquet from a plane is one crazy, original way of doing it, but are there any others? What about a catapult? Or blasting it out of the barrel of a shotgun? The bouquet could be carried by a herd of lemmings. Single women could gather at the bottom of the cliff, dodging lemmings and waiting for the bouquet to fall.

You could place the bouquet on the hood of a Ferrari, accelerate the Ferrari to its top speed, driving directly at all the single women, and then, at the last moment, slam the brakes on, ejecting the bouquet at, around, 200kmphs towards the women, and, hopefully, the Ferrari would also stop in time and not kill all the women - perfetto!

Top Ten Body Language Mistakes

2009-07-12T18:25:00.006+02:00

You can now preview my facebook page directly from this blog (just look to your right). Early this week on my facebook page, I linked to yahoo's Seven Common Body Language Mistakes.

As is often the case, I think they missed a few:

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Body Language Mistakes

1. Making monkey faces at your colleagues & boss.

2. Doing the 'Y-M-C-A' during meetings.

3. Dramatically & theatrically smelling your own armpits at spontaneous moments throughout the day.

4. Walking 'in slow motion' from desk to desk, while making loud deep 'Hollywood' impact sounds as your feet make contact with the floor.

5. Always smiling, regardless of the situation.

6. Rubbing your colleagues knee caps.

7. Sit behind your desk with your hands in your pants.

8. Insist on only traveling in lifts / elevators standing on your head.

9. Cuddle the security guards.

10. Walk backwards.

Vatican Radio Adverts

2009-07-06T17:40:00.003+02:00

Economic times are difficult for everyone: Even Vatican Radio are starting to run adverts. But does this mean The Pope will start endorsing products?

'Being Pope is a busy life. What with the blessings, masses and exorcisms, I hardly have time to think - let alone worry about my body odour! That's why I use Gillette deodorant. It's the best a Pope can get!'

The Mysterious Rover Collapse?

2009-07-05T20:16:00.003+02:00

In the UK, The Serious Fraud Office is investigating the collapse of Rover. For those of you who don't know, Rover was the last 'mass-manufactured' car maker in the UK. And this is the second investigation into the collapse.

But what's the big mystery? The cars were rubbish! Hmmm... Why did Rover collapse? Was it connected to the Kennedy assassinations? No! The cars were rubbish! Were the CIA involved? Nope, rubbish cars. Did aliens manipulate the space-time-quantum? Eh, no. Cars. Rubbish.

Having said all that, I am a proud Rover driver. And when asked, why do I drive such a rubbish car? How do I reply? It's not rubbish. It's a classic. They don't make Rovers anymore, that's the definition of a classic.

No More Drugs in Lux

2009-06-30T16:38:00.003+02:00

There are no more drugs in Luxembourg! The Luxembourgish Police raided several locations around the country, and found massive (proportional to Luxembourg's size) quantities of drugs.

Not much is known about the Luxembourg drug scene, but it's controlled by 'Marc Le Grand Fromage Puant'. Marc is a midget of mixed Luxembourgish, Afghan, Hungarian origin.

At all times, Marc disguises himself by wearing a pink sombrero, black shades, green tuxedo, rainbow coloured flip-flops and a 'ZZ-Top style fake beard' that runs from his face to his feet.

To avoid 'wire taps' and other forms of Police surveillance, he communicates only through the medium of dance. And he refuses to ever wash his feet, as he considers it unlucky.

Marc controls 90% of the Luxembourg drug scene (the other 10% being controlled by two teenagers at the European School). This 90% sees an annual turnover of 157 euros.

Despite this massive income, Marc still lives with his Mum. His 'crib' (as Marc refers to it) can be found in her cellar at her home in Differdange.

Due to the relative 'safe' nature of Luxembourg's criminal world, Marc has never had to kill anyone. But he did hit someone in the eye once with a Bofferding beer mat. The person in question said that it 'stung really bad'.

Michael Jackson Has Died

2009-06-26T00:46:00.002+02:00

Michael Jackson has died. I think I'll leave the accolades and the 'mud slinging' to those better suited to higher / lower tasks. Instead, let's go right back and let Michael's music from his early Jackson 5 days do the talking:

ABC

Michael: a buh-buh">buh-buh buh buh-buh

J5: a buh-buh buh buh-buh

Michael: you went to school to learn, girl
Things you never, never knew before...

Jermaine: like I before e except after c...

Michael: and why 2 plus 2 makes four
Now now now, Im gonna teach you...
J5: teach you, teach you

Michael: all about love, dear...
J5: all about love

Jermaine: sit yourself down, take a seat
All you gotta do is repeat after me.

Chorus:

J5: abc
Michael: easy as...
J5: 123
Michael: or simple as...
J5: do re mi
Michael: abc, 123, baby, you and me girl!
J5: abc
Michael: easy as...
J5: 123
Michael: or simple as...
J5: do re mi
Michael: abc, 123, baby, you and me!

Tito: come on, let me love you just a little bit!
Jackie: come on, let me love you just a little bit!
Jermaine: Im a going to teach how to sing it out!
Michael: come on, come one, come on
Let me show you what its all about!

Reading, writing and arithmetic
Are the branches of the learning tree

Jermaine: but without the roots of love every day, girl

Michael: your education aint complete
T-t-t-teachers gonna show you

J5: show you, show you

Michael: how to get an a!

J5: nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Michael: spell me you
J5: add the two!
Jermaine: listen to me baby, that's all you gotta do!

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
Michael: sit down, girl!
I think I love you!
No!
Get up, girl!
Show me what you can do!

Shake it, shake it, baby, come on now!
Shake it, shake it, baby, ooo oooh!
Shake it shake it, baby, huh!
Abc, baby, oo ooo!
123, baby, nah nah!
Do re mi, baby, huh!
That's how easy love can be.

J5: abc
Michael: abc, its easy

Easy as123
Its like counting up to 3
Or simple as do re mi
Sing a simple melody
All: that's how easy love can be!

Ben

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben

I Want You Back

Uh-huh huh huh huh
Let me tell ya now
Uh-huh

VERSE 1:
When I had you to myself
I didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you from the bunch
one glance was all it took
Now it's much too late for me to take a second look

CHORUS:
Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
Yes I do now
(I want you back)
Ooh ooh baby
(I want you back)
Ya ya ya ya
(I want you back)
Na na na na

VERSE 2:
Tryin' to live without your love
Is one long sleepless night
Let me show you girl
That I know wrong from right
Every street you walk on
I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the girl
I didn't even want around
Let me tell you now

CHORUS:
Oh baby all I need is one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back to your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms

Uh-huh
A buh buh buh buh (2 times)
All I want
A buh buh buh buh
All I need
A buh buh buh buh
All I want
A buh buh buh buh
All I need

(Jermaine):
Oh just one more chance
to show you that I love you
baby! (6 times)

(I want you back)
(Jackie):
Forget what happened then
(I want you back)
(Jermaine):
Let me live again

Oh baby I was blind to let you go
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
(Jackie):
Spare me of this cause
(Jermaine):
Gimme back what I lost

Oh baby I need one more chance ha
I tell ya that I love you

Grow Up Silvio

2009-06-24T11:36:00.004+02:00

Dearest, darling Silvio Berlusconi has denied paying for sex. And let's face it, in Silvio's mind, Silvio is telling the truth. He didn't pay for sex.

He DID pay for beautiful girls to be flown to his villa. And, yes, he DID pay to feed and accommodate those beautiful girls. And, sure, he DID also pay for expensive gifts, such as jewelery and clothing, to give to those beautiful girls. And, ok, he DID 'pay' those beautiful girls with his political influence to help those beautiful girls with their lives. But that's NOT paying for sex, that's just being nice!

And would Silvio have been so nice to ugly, fat girls? No. But, naturally, you are nice to nice looking people.

And would Silvio have been so nice to those beautiful girls, if they hadn't had sex with him and his guests? No. But, naturally, you are only nice to people who are nice to you.

Silvio was being nice to the girls by giving them nice things, and the girls where being nice to Silvio by having sex with him and his guests.

After all, Silvio doesn't understand the attraction of paying for sex. As he says, 'I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest.'

And if that conquest includes flights, food & accommodation, expensive gifts, political favours, and Silvio's friends paying actual cash to those beautiful girls (but without Silvio's knowledge, but in direct return for political favours from Silvio), the conquest is all the sweeter!

But let's be clear: Silvio DID NOT directly pay any one of those beautiful girls for sex. Not one.

Silvio is telling the truth. Not in a 'Gospel' sense of the word. Not in a 'respectful to the Italian people' sense of the word. Not even in the 'dictionary definition' sense of the word. But in a sad, self-serving and probably self-deluded sense of the word.

Grow up Silvio. Tell the truth and take responsibility. At the age of 72, it's finally time to become a man.

Confederations Cup: Italy 3 US 1 - But What Is It?

2009-06-16T11:20:00.006+02:00

Italy 3 US 1 in the Confederations Cup. But what is the Confederations Cup?

In 1992 FIFA (the Fortress of International Financial Allocation) realised they could make a lot more money, if they had TWO World Cups (FIFA's highly trained satanic accountants estimated around double).

Initially FIFA planned to use its Dark Magics to create an entire second planet, but Sepp Blatter (the fattest, most corrupt human being in the world) said, 'No! My evil powers are not strong enough for that yet! We will simply call the new tournament The Confederations Cup. Nobody knows what the hell a Confederation is, but it sounds like something that might be official.'

Now, in 2009, multimillionaire footballers come from around the world in a mystical & beautiful, internationally televised, pan-global sponsored, money generating marketing event (that in no way detracts from the actual World Cup), where, occasionally, people play football.

But what of the genuine hopes & dreams of the nation's fans (Italy, Spain, South Africa, US, Brazil, Iraq, New Zealand and Egypt)? Well, inevitably, all but one of those nation's fans hope & dreams will be broken by the end of the tournament. And what happens to those broken hopes & dreams?

They are fed to Sepp Blatter, because that is the source of all his power.

Bird & Swine Flu Could Mix

2009-06-14T19:52:00.003+02:00

People hold onto your Tic Tacs, scientists think bird flu could mix with swine flu. But wait! If bird flu and swine flu mix together, doesn't that mean birds and pigs could start mating? And that would mean... PIGS COULD FLY!

It's the harbinger of the apocalypse: Dogs & cats living together, tea bags falling the sky, Luxembourgish paperwork that actually makes sense, Michael Bolton songs on every radio channel, everybody drives a Rover, your mum looks like Tony Blair, the only food is mushy peas, Larry Hagman is president, Silvio Berlusconi is dating your teenage daughter, the world only speaks French, and everybody, every last person in the world, has the personality of Michael Schumacher.

Which Sex in the City Character are you?

2009-06-12T15:22:00.004+02:00

I'm ill at home. And like anyone who's ill at home, I'm bored and looking for things to occupy my time. But I have no energy, so they have to be simple things.

I just took the 'Which Sex in the City character are you?' test on facebook. The result is that I'm Carrie. I'm quirky, witty, and every guy's perfect first date.

Does this explain my love life (or lack thereof)? Should I have been dating men? Does facebook know something I don't? I doubt it.

Honestly, I'm a little surprised that I'm Carrie. Not that I particularly expected to be one of the other girls. But that I've only seen the show once or twice, and each time I found Carrie to be really irritating: self involved, over analytical, neurotic and convinced that she and she alone had the theories that explained the world around her.

All of which, now I come to think about it, could be said about me. Maybe facebook does know something I don't?

Mafia Cry Baby

2009-06-04T22:48:00.006+02:00

Mafia boss cries his way out of prison. I'm sorry, cries his way out of prison?! What happened to the horses' heads?! The offers they can't refuse?! The Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes?!

...How different 'The Godfather' might have been:

Louis' Italian-American Restaurant. Evening. Micheal Corleone, Sollozzo and Police Captain McCluskey are sat round a table.

MICHEAL: 'Look (sniff), what I want (swallows), what's most important to me (eyes start to tear up). Is that I have a guarantee (voice shakes with emotion) - No more attempts on my father's life! (breaks down in tears)'

(MICHEAL is face down on the table sobbing)

SOLLOZZO: '(Deep breath) What guarantees can I give you Mike? (Brings his hand to his mouth for a moment to hide his emotion) I'm the hunted one! (turns away, his eyes welling up with tears) I missed my chance! (bursts into tears. Begins to sob uncontrollably)

MCCLUSKEY: (Pats SOLLOZZO on the shoulder) 'There there Sollozzo, you crazy knife wielding Mafioso bad guy, there's always going to be another chance.'

SOLLOZZO: (Looks up at MCCLUSKEY with hope in his tear filled eyes) 'Really?'

MICHEAL: (Slams the table with his fists like a child) 'No more attempts on my Daddy's life!' (Collapses again. Face down on the table. Sobbing.)

MCCLUSKEY: (Puts his other arm around MICHEAL) 'Hey Mikey! It's not so bad! If your father dies, you would become boss of the family!'

MICHEAL: (Head still in his heads) 'But Sonny's older than me! (Cries a lot more) It's not faaaaair!!!'

MCCLUSKY: 'Don't worry about Sonny. They're gonna shoot him on the causeway.'

MICHEAL: (Looks up at MCCLUSKEY with hope in his tear filled eyes) 'Really?'

Skoda Vs Lada Tour

2009-06-03T18:04:00.003+02:00

The Skoda Tour of Luxembourg has begun. The skoda is the perfect car to tour Luxembourg, because it's so slow. It makes the country seem bigger.

That joke would have been so much funnier if Skodas still looked like this:

Of course the first Tour of Luxembourg was not done by Skodas, it was done by Ladas:

The tour began on June 14th 1984 and still hasn't finished yet. The Ladas set off from 'Avenue de la Gare' one bright summer's morning and are currently making their way to Grevenmacher, having covered a grand total of 21kms in just under 25 years.

It's the single most impressive speed related performance in the history of the Lada.

The Toblerone Cuckoo Clock

2009-06-02T23:21:00.005+02:00

Uh oh! People haven't been buying enough Toblerones and Cuckoo Clocks: Switerland goes into recession.

The Swiss need to get creative: The Toblerone Cuckoo Clock.

A clock that on the hour, a pair of little doors open, and a stick of Toblerone is projected out and then back in, and then out, and back in. All in time to the magical sound of the Cuckoo.

Children would wait patiently for the hour to arrive. Their mouths open. Their eyes shut (to increase the excitement). The hour would strike. The Cuckoo sound. The little doors spring out. The child's mouth open wide. And bam! The Toblerone stabs the child right in the eye!

Hours of fun.

UK's Hottest Day: 12c!

2009-06-02T09:52:00.004+02:00

The UK has seen its warmest day this year. Temperatures of up to 12C had Britons outside their homes, offices and indoor shopping centres for, in many cases, the first time in years.

It wasn't all good news though: many elderly Britons suffered heat exhaustion from the unusually warm rain that fell throughout the day. And some of the most puritanical Britons ran panicked in the streets, claiming that the 'ungodly temperature of 12C' heralded the apocalypse, as only the devil could cause it to become that warm.

However most of the population made the best of blistering 12C. Across the country people enjoyed the traditional British summer sports of cricket, beer drinking, public urination and fighting*.

*Fighting is, of course, an all year round sport in Britain. But in the summer, it involves much sunburn slapping.

British Political Lies Vs Italian Political Lies

2009-05-31T23:12:00.006+02:00

Ah, the contrasting politics of Europe: In Britain an MP is in trouble for claiming a £5 donation as expenses; whereas in Italy, dearest Silvio has managed to block the release of photos of topless girls at his New Years party.

British politics are so boring. Our politicians can't even get away with trying to claim back £5! Silvo's living like rockstar! We used to have an Empire! What happened to our capacity for corruption?

But there is one British politician who even Silvio can not compete with:

In Mexico he is simply known as, 'El Bandito del Sonrisa Gato'. The Native Americans call him 'He who speaks with the sincerity of snakes'. In ancient Babylonian scripture his coming is foretold as 'The Great Tide of Bullsh*t'.

I speak of no other than the crowned prince of shiftiness: Tony Blair. Let's remind ourselves of one of his greatest lies.

Ah Silvio, you gifted, funny amateur. Will you ever learn to lie with that much sincerity?

Toxic Personalities

2009-05-27T08:49:00.004+02:00

Yahoo is back with 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid. I want to be sarcastic about this, but I can't! I agree with all of them.

Of course there is one toxic personality in particular, not mentioned on the list, that we should all avoid:

But Kim Jong Il's recent nuclear developments may make him hard to avoid. The BBC is here with an interesting breakdown of the situation.

With the world going the way it is, there's all the more reason to avoid the 8 types people listed above.

So Lonely, but Nuclear

2009-05-25T22:57:00.003+02:00

Troubling times in North Korea. Fortunately the UN have dispatched their top weapons inspector Hans Blix. Let's take a look at how that goes.

Of course it's not Kim Jong-il's fault. Afterall, he is very 'ronery'.

Los Lyricos:

I'm So Ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems like no one takes me serirousry

And so I'm ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me

There's nobody
I can rerate to
Feel rike a bird in a cage
It's kinda sihry
But not rearry
Because it's fihring my body with rage

I'm the smartest most crever most physicarry fit
But nobody else seems to rearize it
When I change the world maybe they'll notice me
But until then I'rr just be ronery
Rittle ronery, poor rittle me

I'm so ronery

..soon he will have nuclear weapons. Oh good.

Stupid Not Drinking

2009-05-25T19:02:00.002+02:00

Uh oh! The authorities in Rome have decided to ban alcohol for Wednesday's Champions League Final.

But will it be enough to stop the English fans from acting stupid?

I think it's important to note that English people do not become stupid simply because they have been drinking, the English people in question were already stupid before they started drinking. Drinking provides an excuse for the stupid behaviour. The behaviour itself is inherent.

The problem is, NOT being able to drink might also be enough of an excuse to act stupid.

One Balled Dictators

2009-05-25T10:23:00.003+02:00

When I was at primary school (5-11) in England, being young multi-cultural Britons, we used to sing a song that reflected our deep understand of, and sensitivity to, 20th Century European history:

'Hitler has only got one ball,
The other is in the Albert Hall.
His mother, the dirty b*gger,
Cut it off when he was small.'

Until this day, I never realised it was true. And apparently Adolf H wasn't the only fun-loving-wacky-crazy-European-Dictator to pack meat, but only one veg: General Francisco Franco also only had one Tic Tac in the box.

Is there a connection between being a dictor and only having one ball? Did Mussonlini keep only one onion in the onion bag? What about Sadam Hussein? Or Margaret Thatcher?

Stupid, More Stupid, & Totally Stupid.

2009-05-17T22:33:00.005+02:00

Ouch! I just banged the back of my head on the wall behind me laughing too hard at South Park. God punishes the little sins right away... I wonder if it will make me more stupid?

Speaking of stupid, A German man loses 23,000 euros by driving an open top car down the motorway.

Careless for a German, they are usually such sensible, efficient people; though it was an efficient way of losing the money. Most of us would just lose money down the back of the sofa. It would take a very long time to lose 23,000 euros down the back of your sofa. And it probably wouldn't be very comfortable to sit on.

Uh.. I'm starting to feel groggy. I think I must have banged my head quite hard. I'm almost certainly going to be more stupid because of this.

Speaking of more stupid, An Italian man dies trying save his car from a train.

I wouldn't die for my Rover. And it's an authentic classic car. Really, think about it. You can't buy Rovers anymore. You can buy BMWs. You can buy Audis. But you can't buy Rovers.

Uh, really... I'm feeling dizzy. I think I'm going to pass out. I going end up totally stupid.

Speaking of totally stupid, a Polish man cuts his own head off to impress his mates.

Maybe he'd just banged his head laughing too hard at South Park, and decided to cut it off to take the pain away?

Original Movie Quotes

2009-05-11T16:49:00.002+02:00

The Guardian is here with the top ten Movie Misquotes of all time.

But how about quotes that were in the original scripts, but, for some reason, did not make it to the finished films:

1. James Bond - 'I'm feeling a little vulnerable after killing all those people. Could we just cuddle tonight?'

2. Braveheart - 'Oh I do hope the English colonise us today!'

3. Citizen Kane - 'I want my sledge! I want it! I want it!'

4. Silence of the Lambs - 'Do you want fries with that?'

5. Titanic - 'Look, we'll win their tickets, go on the boat, sail to American. What's the worst that could happen?'

6. My Girl - 'I dare you to play with this bee.'

7. The Matrix - 'Nobody can be told what the matrix is.' 'Then why the hell are you still talking to me?'

8. Saturday Night Fever - 'Dude, what you doing Friday?'

9. Desperatly Seeking Susan - 'Has anyone seen Bob?'

10. Superman - 'Sorry, I can't help you.'

Funny World Leaders

2009-05-10T14:08:00.002+02:00

Do you remember a simplier time when World Leaders were content with simple things like running their countries?

But no more! Now world leaders have to be funny: Obama's Comedy Routine.

Of course no World Leader can match Tony Blair's joke of 2003: take part in an invasion and subsequent rebuilding of a country that the British Empire first built in 1914. Funny.

Berlusconi Vs Prince Philip

2009-05-07T09:52:00.003+02:00

I've just been reminded that Berlusconi is not the only public figure prone to gaffes.

When searching for inappropriate public behaviour, the aristocracy is always the best place to start looking: Prince Philip's Royal Gaffes.

But that doesn't mean it's plane sailing for Silvio, his 18 year old friend has decided to comment on her relationship with Papi Silvio.

"When Papi Silvio calls, I come!"

Hmmm... I wonder if that will make things better or worse between Silvio and his wife.

Berlusconi Blog

2009-05-06T17:47:00.004+02:00

I'm going to have rename this blog the 'Berlusconi Blog': Time Magazine's Worst Berlusconi Gaffes.

If you combined the activities of all the other European leaders for an entire year, it would still not be as entertaining as Silvio's activities for one week. For example:

This week, Gordon Brown (UK Head Hypocrite - aka Prime Minister) was critised in Parliament. Yawn! Boring!

This week, Silvio Berlusconi demanded an apology from his wife for suggesting he consorts with minors. Not boring.

Silvio then went onto blame the Italian media for the story, which did confuse me: doesn't he own the vast majority of the media in Italy?

Perhaps Silvio agrees with Oscar Wilde:

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

The Ancient Caves of Berlusconi

2009-05-03T22:01:00.003+02:00

In Italy, they've been exploring the system of caves beneath the city of Naples.

Researches claim that the millions of meters of caves were first built by the Ancient Greeks, but I think the caves may have just been built by Silvio Berlusconi to enable him to visit 18 year old girls who live around the city.

Silvio was, of course, alive in Ancient Greek. Silvio is so old, he is the only human being that predates the written word. Before the written word if people wanted to know about an historical event, they would simply ask Silvio to sing about it.

This, in turn, explains why Silvio sees no particular problem with spending time with an 18 year old girl. When you are over 6,000 years old, everybody is a lot younger than you.

The Who Raises The Alert Level?!

2009-04-30T08:11:00.005+02:00

The Who have raised the Swine Flu alert level. What do English rock band The Who have to do with all this?

If The Who can raise the alert level, that means they'll be responsible for treatment as well!

A scene from the 1975 film based on the band's Rock Opera 'Tommy' gives us an indication of what The Who's treatment of Swine Flu could look like:

...uh oh.

Swine Flu

2009-04-27T20:59:00.007+02:00

It's every 24hr News Channel's dream come true: Swine Flu. What is wrong with modern TV News? When did they stop trying to 'inform us' and start trying to 'scare the sh*t out of us'?

To help 'inform' the public, BBC news even had a picture of the virus! What use is that?! 'If you see this virus, do not approach it. It is dangerous.' Yeah, I'll be sure to use my 'microscopic vision' for that one! I'm sorry, I didn't realise the BBC were now offering a news service for people with super-powers.

Yahoo News and Time have weighed in with '5 Things You Need to Know about The Outbreak'. But their five things are boring, here are my five:

1. When you cough, check for the smell of bacon.

2. Don't panic at every little symptom: a runny nose is ok. But a runny snout, that's bad.

3. If a wolf comes to your house to 'huff and puff and blow your house down', this could be a very serious sign. Particularly if your house is made of straw.

4. Take no comfort from the fact you can't fly, pigs can't do that either.

5. And finally, whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN:

No Naked Hiking?

2009-04-27T09:25:00.003+02:00

The Swiss region of Appenzell has said 'non / nein / no' (whatever they speak) to Naked Hiking!

I'm confused. If they're naked, where do they hang their Toblerone?

Treatment for Heterosexuals?

2009-04-24T09:31:00.005+02:00

Apparently, they can cure gay. But I'm not sure they're thinking about this clearly. We all know they're too many people on this planet. Maybe gay is an evolutionary imperative?

I think we need a Heterosexual Treatment:

Step 1. An intensive course of Elton John CDs.

Step 2. Patients will be forced to watch 'the volleyball scene from Top Gun' 1,000 times.

Step 3. Patients will only be able to drink Pina Coladas.

Step 4. Patients will be taught the benefits of moisturising cream, having a hair style and the importance of shoes.

Step 5. Accessorizing.

Predictions for 2050

2009-04-19T18:35:00.003+02:00

Now that the world has no economy, economists have nothing to do. So they've taken to predicting the future: What the World Will Look Like by 2050

I don't know about you, but those predictions scared me! But what about these:

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Predictions for 2050

1. People will continue to be stupid.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger will have been American President at least once.

3. The Simpsons will still be on TV (there's nothing any of us can do about it).

4. Women will continue to freak out about their weight and obsess about shoes.

5. Increasingly, men will also freak out about their weight and accessorising for men will no longer be considered 'gay'.

6. Politics as we know it will cease to exist and, instead, we will all become shareholders in one or more massive corporations (this will be sold to us as the ultimate form of democracy, whereas it is, in fact the ultimate form of slavery).

7. Electronic money will be the only form of currency, thereby bonding us to the corporate capitalist system totally.

8. Science will allow women to have children on their own. This will eliminate the need for men, with the exception of for pleasure and heavy lifting. Men will therefore become no more than glorified boy-toys or donkeys, spending all their time at the gym or carrying large amounts of shoes (David Beckham is a prototype of this social model).

9. The French will continue to hate the Americans, but love TV shows like 'House' and 'Lost'. They will also continue to see no contradiction in these two attitudes.

10. All over the world, children will sit in classrooms, their eyes filled with hope, and their desks: Tobytheteacher Text Books. Stay tuned...

Interview Tips

2009-04-15T16:39:00.003+02:00

Yahoo is back with some 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips'. Once again, I think they've missed some:

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten 'What Not To Do In An Interview Tips':

1. When asked your name, reply grimily, 'I'm Batman'.

2. Insist on calling the interviewer 'Mr Bumhead' regardless of gender.

3. Ask the interviewer to switch places with you, because the current sitting-arrangement is effecting your 'chi'.

4. Begin all of your replies with, 'Well, in the words of William Shatner...'

5. Interrupt the interview half way through by suddenly whispering to the interviewer, 'Don't move - I have to draw you.'

6. Use a Ouija Board to answer all the questions.

7. Eat.

8. Stare slightly to the interviewer's left throughout the interview.

9. Make 'fish faces' at the interviewer whenever they're speaking.

10.At the end of the interview, insist on kissing the interviewer's feet.

Strange Laws

2009-04-08T21:53:00.004+02:00

The Americans have found some strange laws from around the world:

No feeding the pigeons in Venice, no walking along the side of the Autobahn in Germany and no kissing at train stations in England.

I don't think those laws are so strange:

Pigeons are disgusting flying rats, we shouldn't feed them. Driving with those speed-crazy Germans is scary enough, who would want to walk near them? And we all know that public displays of affection are too much for the English, ever since Queen Victoria banned all emotional from the Empire.

If the Americans wanted to talk about strange foreign laws, they should have looked at Luxembourg:

No honking your horn. No washing your car on a Sunday. And no making noise ever, under any circumstances:

It doesn't matter how stupid the maneuver by the other driver. They could break suddenly on main road. Then, without indication, turn off onto a smaller road (you'd been clearly indicating for) only to reverse mysteriously for a few moments, before stopping completely (again without warning) in the middle of the road to set up a goat farm.

And on the seventh day God washed his car. No he didn't! And neither should you! But it makes no sense because he's God. He's everywhere. He doesn't need a car. What's he going to do? Get in the car to drive to another part of himself? That's madness. But we need to get places! We're not everywhere! We're not omnipotent non-corporal beings! We need cars! And they need to be clean!

If your office is on fire, you have to walk outside calmly (don't run, because that would create noise) and gently whisper, 'Fire. Fire. I'm sorry for the noise, but there's a fire.'

Trapped in the Closet

2009-04-05T20:38:00.004+02:00

They say, 'See Venice before you die.' But in my opinion, you should really see R Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet' before you die.

Words can not properly describe R Kelly's R&B soap opera opus. It may be the most stupid thing I have ever seen in my life and yet, you can not stop watching it once you start.

This is much is true, however, once you have seen R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, your world will never be quite the same.

Youtube have kindly provided Episode 1 here.

And to achieve the full R Kelly experience, here are the lyrics (R Kelly may be the first human being to rhyme the word 'dresser' with 'Beretta'):

(CHAPTER 1)

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you

Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some sh*t is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Sh*t think, sh*t think, sh*t quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy a*s up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
Walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar

Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the f*ck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “B*tch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…

Security Rover

2009-03-31T21:42:00.003+02:00

President Obama arrived in the UK with massive security entourage and limo specially designed for safety and defense.

I have a similar set-up for here in Luxembourg:

My car is equipped with extra comfy seats, so I don't get irritated stuck behind slow moving locals and old people.

My car is also big enough so that I don't get intimidated by fast moving investment bankers, convinced by their own sense of total superiority.

The unique 'style' of my Rover allows me to effortlessly demonstrate* my Englishness at all times to you continental European types.

My CD changer is fully stocked with The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and The Who, so that I can instantly balance any foreign influence to regain my delicate Anglo-Saxon sensibilities.

A sophisticated air conditioning system maintains a constant 'English climate' within my car, never allowing it to be too hot or too cold.

And in the glove compartment, I keep a can of Tetleys and a packet of salt & vinegar crisps in case I need to take away the taste of any 'European food'.

*Technically in English, you shouldn't 'split an infinitive' (separate the 'to' from 'demonstrate'). However, the sentence is funnier written this way.

Shopping Syndrome

2009-03-30T18:08:00.006+02:00

In an attempt to demonstrate that this blog is for everyone, apparently woman might have a medical excuse for shopping sprees.

Is there anything woman can't blame on their time of the month? It's like a monthly 'get out of jail free card' for all forms of unusual behaviour or extreme emotional reactions.

If I was a woman, I'd be tempted to take advantage:

Your colleague borrows your calculator without asking, so you staple his tie to the desk (while he's still wearing it) - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

You drive your car into the supermarket, as it's easier to do your shopping that way - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

You place voodoo curses on all of your colleagues for not doing things exactly the way the wanted them to be - 'Sorry, my time of the month.'

English Sporting Success?!

2009-03-29T14:03:00.002+02:00

What is going on?!

The English? Successful in sporting events?!

England 4 Slovakia 0

But it's only a friendly I hear you all cry! Yes, but it wasn't so long ago that we were dragging 1 - 0 victories and 0 - 0 draws out of those sorts of games.

And: Button wins the Australian Grand Prix

I'm particularly pleased by this as I could never get into the whole supporting Lewis Hamilton thing, given that he is not actually human and was, in fact, developed in a McLaren lab.

Madonna Thinks?

2009-03-28T16:59:00.003+01:00

Madonna has been urged to rethink her decision to adopt a second African child.

To 'rethink' doesn't one first have to 'think'. Does Madonna think?

Madonna has always struck me as one of those people who doesn't know what she wants, but she does know how to get it.

But there is no doubting the impact she's had on contempory western culture. The song that started it all: Like a Virgin, but a slightly different version.

Los Lyricas del Virginos:

I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was until I found you
I was beat incomplete, I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new

Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy, my fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you 'cause only love can last
You're so fine and you're mine, make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Like a virgin touched for the very first time
Like a virgin when your heart beats next to mine

Stupid English

2009-03-25T11:26:00.002+01:00

Ah, the English: Shakespeare, Dickens, The Beatles. What culture! What creativity! What intelligence! Not really:

Man follows SATNAV to cliff edge

What has happened to my nation!? Oh well, at least we still have our sense of humour:

Son Paints 60ft Penis on Parents' Roof

hihi.

Battlestar Galactica

2009-03-22T12:22:00.004+01:00

I don't usually do this.

In my opinion, recommending your favourite film, food or music to someone is like recommending a lover. Just strange. We all have our own tastes. And they're buried so deep inside us, there's little external influence can do it change them.

Having said all that, my favourite TV show Battlestar Galactica came to an end this weekend. The storyline is far too complex to try to express in a condensed form, but I'd like to talk about what I think the TV show is all about.

Battlestar Galactica is about faith. It's about the things you choose to believe in, and the consequences of that choice.

Each of the characters puts their faith in something, be it religion or science, democracy or the military, friendship or family. In short, each of the characters chooses to love something. Then each are put into conflict, with themselves and with those around them, because of what they love.

If you see past the cylons and the jump drives, you'll see a TV show that talked about war and terrorism from both sides, that demonstrated the arrogance and solace that can be found in both science and religion. A TV show whose characters lost only to live on. A TV show that never offered easy answers, but consistently pushed itself to ask the hard questions.

I've been a fan of science fiction my whole life, and it is, for the most part, a vastly stupid genre. Finally science fiction fans have a TV show they can put alone side the likes of 'The Wire' and 'The Sopranos' (And unlike 'The Sopranos', Battlestar Galactica actually ended). Finally, science fiction fans have a TV show they can recommend to other people.

Thank you Battlestar Galactica, it was one hell of a frakkin' journey!

Protection Francais!

2009-03-21T22:07:00.001+01:00

Ah! Zi French are protecting again z'ere industries français.

As if you need protectionism! We didn't protect our car industry in the UK and
now
we
have
no
car
industry.

Oh.
Bugger.

- Maybe the French have point?

But what else will they protect? Obviously the cheese. But what other things are essential to French Cultural Identity?

Smoking?
Being sarcastic?
Riding a bicycle, wearing a striped T-Shirt, a berry on your head, with onions round your neck?

Language CDs are Stupid

2009-03-18T14:08:00.003+01:00

I've just listened to the instructions of a 'Learn Italian CD':

‘We do not recommend doing the reading portion if you are doing this programme in your car.’

- really?! Well, I was going to… but since you don’t recommend it.

Are there really people that need to be told that? And why is it only a 'recommendation'?

Could I do it if I was reaaaally careful? You know, not in heavy traffic, for example.

Speaking of stupid, what about the sentences we learn in foreign languages as beginners:

'The dog is under the table.'

When are you ever going to say that?

- On a holiday to England, you visit a friend's home:

You: 'Hi!'

Your friend: 'Hello! Nice to see you.'

You: 'Nice to see you too. Your home is lovely.'

Your friend: 'Thank you! That's very kind of you to say s-'

You: 'OH MY GOD! THE DOG IS UNDER THE TABLE!'

Your friend: 'SWEET JESUS! HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THERE?!'

You: 'WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DOOOO?!'

Your friend: 'DO HAVE ANY DOG BISCUITS?'

You: 'NO! DEAR GOD! I DIDN'T THINK!'

Your friend: 'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!'

You: 'BUT I BLAME MYSELF!'

Your friend: 'IT'S OK! I THINK WE HAVE SOME IN THE KITCHEN!'

You: 'THANK THE BABY JESUS!'

Winky Faces and Status Messages

2009-03-15T23:25:00.004+01:00

'Toby is feeling sardonic.'

I just wrote that on my facebook status message. Apparently, status messages are the new email.

I do like the idea of casting my inner thoughts and feelings out into the darkness. A modern day 'message in a bottle'.

I'm a particular fan of the 'willfully ambiguous' status message. It's not one I use myself so much, but I've noticed it's a big favourite with girls.

'Tracy can not believe what just happened...'

- to which her facebook buddies hurriedly comment:

'What's wrong hun?!'

- to which Tracy replies:

'Oh nothing. I just dropped my coffee ;)'

The winky face - ;) - is one of my favourite typological developments. You can say anything you like, as long as you follow it with a winky face:

'You're fat and you're stupid! ;)'

'One day I will stand over your corpse and laugh! ;)'

'I would not spit on you if you were on fire! ;)'

Here's a song that needs a winky face: Archive's 'F*ck U'

*It's a youtube link, as deezer is acting up.

Los Lyricos Disgustos:

There's a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Though we won't ever meet I remember your name
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway
You are scum, you are scum and I hope that you know
That the cracks in your smile are beginning to show
Now the world needs to see that it's time you should go
There's no light in your eyes and your brain is too slow
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I don't think I can, so f*ck you anyway
Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth
I could creep up beside put a gun in your mouth
Makes me sick when I hear all the sh*t that you say
So much cr*p coming out it must take you all day
There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat
With a spike in the chair just to make it complete
When you look at yourself do you see what I see
If you do why the f*ck are you looking at me

Why the f*ck why the f*ck are you looking at me
(Repeat x 4)

There's a time for us all and I think yours has been
Can you please hurry up 'cos I find you obscene
We can't wait for the day that you're never around
When that face isn't here and you rot underground
Can't believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say
But I dont think I can so f*ck you anyway

So f*ck you anyway (Repeat x 11)

;)

First Date No No's

2009-03-11T11:37:00.004+01:00

Yahoo is back with another 'how to be generic and popular' link:

This time, First Date Deal Breakers.

Personally, I think they've missed a few:

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten First Date No No's

1. Insist that the girl calls you ‘Mr Big’ at all times.

2. Lick clean her plate after she has finished eating.

3. Profess your love of small, cute animals when used as target practice for your AK.

4. Introduce her to your right hand by referring to it as ‘your other lover’.

5. Tell her about the time you nearly died of stomach flu.

6. Explain to her, in great detail, why all of her favourite films are rubbish, and why she should really love the films of Sergio Leone (I’ve actually done this one).

7. Tell her she can only speak to you at half time.

8. Eat with your feet.

9. Say things like, ‘So, what does your Mum look like? I only ask ‘cos I wanna know what I’m in for.’

10. Dress like The Pope.

Violent Tennis and Football Insults

2009-03-09T17:40:00.003+01:00

Tennis and Sweden have both long been associated with violence, and the Israel Vs Sweden Davis Cup Match was no exception.

Meanwhile in the traditionally more passive environment of football, practise your English with the top 10 football insults.

England Vs Italy

2009-03-08T20:09:00.025+01:00

It's a big week in the champions league, where three of the four English clubs playing will face Italian opponents.

The footballing competition will be decided on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but do other aspects of the two nations culture compare?

Cuisine: Fish n Chips Vs Pasta

Weather: Rain Vs Blue Skies

Colonial Technology: Railways Vs Roads

Cars: Aston Martin Vs Ferrari

Cinema: Alfred Hitchcock Vs Sergio Leone

Cheese: Chedder Vs Mozzarella

Music: The Beatles Vs Eros Ramazzotti

Chocolate: Cadbury Cream Egg Vs Kinder Surprise

Heads of State: The Queen Vs Silvio Berlusconi

Television: The BBC Vs Silvio Berlusconi

Comedy: Monty Python Vs Silvio Berlusconi

Oldest Man: Henry Allingham Vs Silvio Berlusconi

So who wins? England? Italy? Silvio Berlusconi?

Answers on a postcard to:

TobytheTeacher
27 Bofferding Street
Big Duck's Palace
Lux

And for the football...

Miei amici italiani - in bocca al lupo!

Too High A Price?

2009-03-04T14:59:00.002+01:00

News from an American point of view: an interesting article from the New York Times entitled Wars, Endless Wars.

Difficult times indeed for President Obama.

In all the hype about the damage done by post WWII American foreign policy to the rest of the world, it's easy to miss the wide ranging and massive damage it has done to American society itself.

Whether it itself be right or wrong, America's decision to safe-guard western democracy in a post-colonial world has come at a high price. A price that might be about to become to high even for a country as rich and powerful as America to pay.

And if it does, where will that leave the rest of us?

Duck Billed Berlusconi

2009-02-24T11:27:00.004+01:00

Coca Cola Bails Out Venice

The Mayor of Venice blames lack of government support but, in fairness to Silvio Berlusconi's government, it's not cheap paying for all his cosmetic work.

Silvio is, after all, six hundred and forty seven years old.

Every two weeks his entire body is drained of blood and then refilled by the blood of the Duck Billed Platypus. Indeed, Silvio now has so much Platypus DNA in his system, he is part aquatic.

Silvio can survive up to six and a half days underwater without air support. Another reason why funding for Venice's flood defenses is so difficult to obtain - Silvio doesn't see the problem.

Very often the top of Silvio's bald head can be seen moving through Venice's canals, as he goes about his shopping.

Unfortunately, as part of his longevity treatment, Silvo's head is made of 98% reinforced titanium. This has lead to the sinking of more than one Venetian gondola.

As Venetians say, 'La testa di Silvio è, per la gondola, come il iceberg per la Titanic.'

Embarrassed English, Facebook Data and I Believe I Can Fly

2009-02-18T13:30:00.004+01:00

Uh oh! Somebody has been embarrassing the English with a public display of the word 'sex'.

When will people learn?! We can't take that kind of thing!!

Facebook will not keep our data!

But, what would Facebook do with my data...

'Toby thinks everybody has something to hide except for me and my monkey.'
Or, 'Toby wants to know - if a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound?'

Or, the decidedly postmodern, 'Toby is updating his status message'.

Finally, to help with that midweek 'when will this week end?!' feeling:

I Believe I Can Fly

I used to think
that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes the silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me

If I can see it, then I can be it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Cause I believe in you

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I can believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

High Speed News Round-Up!

2009-02-16T17:03:00.004+01:00

Apparently, babies who gesticulate (talk with their hands) have better vocabularies when they reach school age.

- Does this explain why Italians talk so much?

Eh.. this is not cool. I think, if you find yourself seriously considering beheading your wife - it's probably time to just leave her.

You know, walk out the door, get a hotel room, buy some porn, a six-pack of beer and work through it, man.

Silvio Berlusconi? Involved in bribes? Surely not! Wait a minute, let me get this straight:

David Mills (aka British scumbag) has been found guilty and sentenced for four and half years, BUT he can appeal twice before the sentence is enforced, AND if those appeals are not completed by 2010, he doesn't go to jail?!

- and, even if he does go to an Italian jail, it won't be too bad for a British guy:

The food will be better for starters! Italian jail food is like restaurant food in England!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

2009-02-11T16:23:00.003+01:00

I can't seem to find anything funny in the news.

Maybe it's because I'm not in a funny mood. Maybe it's because the world is not in a funny mood.

I suspect the cause of both moods may well be the same: The Super-Rich's desire to have a 12% year on year increase in wealth rather than a 10% one is beginning to bite.

However before I join Al Qaeda, some research first:

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Silence! I kill you!

China:

2009-02-02T11:47:00.002+01:00

It's big,

There's a lot of people,

And Jackie Chan is one of them.

- But what do we really know about it?

Luckily her majesty's broadcasting corporation (the BBC) is here
with a series of documentaries.

And now, in a shameless display of cultural insensitivity,
Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting.

Zai Jian!

Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing

There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said here comes the big boss, lets get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand knew trip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with expert timing

(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning

Blue Monday

2009-01-19T13:05:00.003+01:00

The Eurozone is going to shrink by 1.9%

Arrh!!!! Where will 1.9% of us live?!?!

Apparently January 19th (Blue Monday) is the most depressing day of the year...

So... to cheer you all up, my favourite monkey joke:

- Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

- So they can hide in cherry trees.

Wait for it...

- What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

- The monkeys picking cherries.

And if that hasn't help - I will survive:

Los Lyrics:

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

2009-01-18T13:37:00.006+01:00

Five Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

Obviously, as a soul-tortured artist, relationships are not an option for me, but let me see if I've understood this...

Daily Habit 1 - Talk to Each Other:

'Honey, I think you're fat', Bob says to Claire. To which Claire replies, 'Well Bob, your penis is small and seldom satisfies me.'

Daily Habit 2 - Flirt:

'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' 'I'm cooking dinner Bob.'

Daily Habit 3 - Get Stupid Together:

'Bob - I dare you to catch this knife!'

Daily Habit 4 - Declare your Independence:

'We hold these truths to be self-evident..'

Daily Habit 5 - Share a Spiritual Moment:

'Bacardi?'

British Citizenship Test

2009-01-16T13:37:00.002+01:00

New plans for the British Citizenship Test have been announced

TobytheTeacher's British Citizenship Test:

1. What do British people eat for dinner?

a) Fish n' Chips
b) Chicken Curry
c) Beer

2. Is the Queen..

a) God's voice upon this Earth
b) A Corgi-Pimp
c) The most Bobby-Dazzler Disco-Fantastic Person in the world

3. Did Shakespeare write..

a) 4 Weddings and a funeral (Brit-Flick-Chick-Flick-Middle-Class-Tosh)
b) Hamlet
c) All the Take That songs

3. How many reality TV shows can the average British Citizen watch a week?

a) 2
b) 10
c) How many you got?

4. Is Diego Maradona..

a) A great sportsman and a role model to all the children of the world
b) 98% cocaine
c) A fat-cheating-volleyball-playing-cocaine-addicted-organised-crime-associating-with-jumped-up-mock-God-fearing-f*ck-face

5. Is the first line of the British National Anthem..

a) God save our gracious Queen
b) God save Freddy Mercury
c) Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!

6. When going to the toilet do you say to your friends..

a) I gotta drain the lizard
b) ME! GO PEE-PEE!
c) Would you excuse me? - I have to use the Winston Churchill

7. In the Winter, do the British have..

a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Cold rain

8. In the Summer, do the British have..

a) Snow
b) Sunshine
c) Warm rain

9. Do British people believe in..

a) One of the three major monotheistic spiritualities
b) The healing power of laughter
c) Capitalism - aka: Nothing

10. How do British people see other Europeans?

a) Smelly ill-mannered Johnny-Foreigners
b) European Brothers and Sisters of equal worth and measure
c) People for fighting and football

..for British Citizenship please send your answers to:

The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
UK (the centre of the universe)

Ronaldo Vs UFO

2009-01-08T20:10:00.002+01:00

The world most successful Thai-Lady-Boy, Cristiano Ronaldo crashed one of his Ferrari's.

Unconfirmed reports say that at the time of the crash, Cristiano was practising his magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick.

Did this distract Cristiano? Only the he knows.

Meanwhile else wheres in England: a UFO is suspected of damaging a wind farm.

UFO? ..Or Cristiano Ronaldo flying his private jet at the same time as practising his aforementioned magical-fantastical-ten-ball-ping-pong-ball-trick?

Only Cristiano knows.

Wife Sets Fire to Husband's Penis

2009-01-06T23:24:00.005+01:00

Ouch!
Look out guys!!
Don't cheat on your wife or girlfriend or this might happen!!!

She just wanted to burn his penis so it belonged to her and no one else?! What the flaming ding-dong was she going to do with it afterwards?!

Girls, seriously, if you hate a guy enough to set fire to his John-Thomas, maybe you should just leave him?

The woman has been held in Police custody pending the results of a psychological assessment. They need to wait for a psychological assessment?!

SHE SET FIRE TO HER HUSBAND'S KINDER BUENO - SHE'S BONKERS!!!

Cheating on women is wrong, but so is setting fire to his 'meat and two veg', his captain fantastic, his caped crusader, his little general, his pocket rocket, his one eyed trouser snake, his rod, his magic wand, his voiture d'amour, his wang, his wife's best friend... oh no wait, that one doesn't work.

Italian Christmas Witch Day

2009-01-06T08:49:00.005+01:00

It's Italian Christmas Witch Day!

Who is the Italian Christmas Witch I hear you ask? Find out here.

To celebrate Italian Christmas Witch day here are some traditional English language stories about the Italian Christmas Witch...

- wait a minute! There are no traditional English language storys!! Oh well, here are some Family Guy videos about Italians instead:

Cutting in Line in front of Italians

Peter thinks he can speak Italian because he has a moustache

..and finally, Monty Python's Italian lessons - which I've posted before, but I like it!

Toodle-Italian-Christmas-Witch-Pip!

What Not To Say At A Party

2008-12-14T19:51:00.002+01:00

Things Not To Say At A Party

My list...

1. I’ve just joined Al Qaeda.

2. Has anyone read ‘War and Peace’?

3. How about an orgy?

4. My God! You people are fat!

5. I sense an evil presence in this room.

6. So… let’s talk about the financial crisis.

7. I’ve got this weird rash on my bottom.

8. My farts smell like peanuts.

9. The ambassador’s parties were always a luxurious affair…

10.Who wants to touch me?

The British Had Brains!

2008-12-13T10:43:00.003+01:00

Great news for the British!

Two thousand years ago we had brains!!

It doesn’t say if we have them now of not…

Read His Body Language

2008-12-08T17:18:00.003+01:00

Read His Body Language

..as usual, they missed a few. Here are TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Read A Man's Body Language Tips:

1. He has an erection – he likes you.

2. He has an erection – he doesn’t like you, but he’s thinking about a girl he does like.

3. He’s kissing a monkey – he likes monkeys.

4. He holds his nose when he kisses you – you smell.

5. He stares at your breasts when he’s talking to you – he’s not gay.

6. He yawns when you talk – stop talking about shoes.

7. He’s sitting down – he’s drunk.

8. He’s lying down – he’s really drunk.

9. He’s asleep – he has finished drinking.

10. He looks like he’s concentrating when you speak to him – he’s trying not to fart.

Office Party Do's and Don'ts

2008-12-04T19:53:00.003+01:00

Office Party Do's And Don'ts

TobytheTeacher's Top Ten Office Party Do's and Don'ts:

1. Arrive wearing only cucumber slices.

2. Ask your boss if his wife is a man or a woman.

3. Tell everyone senior to you in the company that they will be killed when the revolution comes.

4. Bring a chimp to the party.

5. Sing.

6. Insist everyone calls you ‘Il Bandito’.

7. Ask people to sign you’re a*se.

8. Reply to everything people say to you by saying, ‘Yes, I see what you mean, but have you considered therapy?’

9. Take PCP.

10. Communicate only through Mime.

The Pound Is Down

2008-12-01T22:44:00.003+01:00

Finally, Capitalism is working for me!

The Pound is down

First the UK bank I have an overdraft with gets bought by the government... hihi.

And now, the value of the UK pound is dropping dropping dropping against the euro.

Think about it.. my overdraft is in pounds. My pay is in euros. ..so technically, my overdraft is reducing. Nice.

..of course, when all the banks in Luxembourg review their training budget - I'm boned.

..but until then, let the good times roll!

A Cheater or a Keeper?

2008-11-26T10:05:00.006+01:00

With stories about the Pope fighting Aliens, the French killing Lance Armstrong and the English hating the cheating-low-down-dirty-volley-ball-playing-guts of Maradona, I think the blog may have been targeted towards men a little too much recently.

Girls, how to predict if your man will cheat

But, how do you know if you've found a faithful man? A man who believes with all his heart that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

There's only one way: Is he fat?

If your man is sitting on the sofa drinking a beer and watching TV, do you know what that is? It's a testament to his love for you.

Why? Because it means he has found the one. He has said to himself, there's no need to go to the gym or play sport anymore. I have found the perfect girl for me.

What does it mean if your man is still going to gym, playing sports, dressing and grooming like a single guy? It means that in at least one part of his head, he is one.

Remember girls, the fatter your man is.. the more he loves you.

Alien Vs Pope

2008-11-23T18:17:00.003+01:00

The Vatican have decided to forgive John Lennon for his 'bigger than Jesus' remark.

Speaking of The Vatican, I've been working on movie ideas this weekend. One of the ideas I came up with was 'Alien Vs Pope':

A hidden vault is discovered in Vatican and opened for the first time in hundreds of years. Thousands of alien eggs are inside. Now the Pope must battle an army of alien killing machines to save the world.

There's a great scene where the Pope is driving his 'Pope-Mobile' at high speed through the Vatican, shooting aliens with a machine gun.

...it's violent and religious. I think it would be perfect for Mel Gibson!

Angry Cycle Fans & The World's Greatest Volleyball Player

2008-11-18T22:51:00.003+01:00

TobytheTeacher's sports round-up:

Apparently, Lance Armstrong is worried that the French will attack him during next year's tour.

Imagine it: gangs of beret wearing French men chasing Armstrong across France, throwing smelly cheese and perfectly timed sarcasm at him. Uncooked snails will be wasted to coat the roads with snail slime to unsettle his bike. French cigarette smoke will be blown across his path to blind him. Their incomprehensible talk of existentialism will be used to confuse and disorientate him.

Meanwhile in Scotland, the world's greatest Volleyball Player, Maradona, has decided to pacify the English by comparing his 'Hand of God Stunt' with England's 66 World Cup Win.

Ah, Maradona, you crazy-cheeky-cheating-hand-balling-scumbag-cocaine-snorting-boozing-fat-loser-low-life-organised-crime-associating-with-dead-beat-spineless-gob-sh*te, why would you think the English don't like you?!

Good luck Scotland! You crazy skirt wearing lady-boys!

Axl's Chinese Democracy

2008-11-16T20:01:00.004+01:00

That crazy kilt-wearing, microphone-the-size-of-your-head-carrying, running-round-the-stage-like-a-child-that-needs-the-toilet, singing-about-dolphins-comas-and-November-rain, front man Axl Rose is back.

Here he is singing about Chinese Democracy

They still ride bicycles,
But they get to vote,
And even though Chairman Mao
Would think it's a f**kin' joke,
It's a Chinese Democracy!
A Chinese Democracy!

Hey Chairman Mao!
Don't have a cow!
It's time for you Reds,
To be red, white and blue,
You don't know how?
I'll tell you how!
Yeah, it's tough to chow,
But hey! Mr Mao!

It's a Chinese Democracy!
Enough Commi-hypocrisy!
It's time for a West-ology!
It's a Chinese Democracy!

(panpipe solo)

Crazy Christians

2008-11-09T20:39:00.002+01:00

Christians! Calm down!

Monks fight at a holy shrine

I'd like to point out that if these monks were English football fans and the holy shrine was a football ground, FIFA would insist that the British government take their passports from them and refuse them the right to travel.

Will anybody from the Christian Church be insisting the same thing?

George W, Rare Live Interview

2008-11-03T21:51:00.008+01:00

As we come to the end of the US Presidential Elections it's easy to forgot the current President Bush, but here he is in a rare live TV interview

Good luck to both the candidates for today! May the best man win...

But... if you can not decide upon a best man, perhaps it's time to select the best woman: